Men I need your help. I have a question about Porn. Would appreciate your input on this.?

Question

My bf (of 3 yrs) & I are breaking up because of porn. 1 1/2 year ago I found porn on his pc. I found it upsetting because our sex life was lacking, and as soon as I saw porn I connected one with the other. My bf said that the not enough sex is also my fault cause I dont initiate enough.So I did but after I was turned down several times (not consec) I didnt want to initiate anymore. I was afraid of being turned down. The porn was hurting me so much that I always managed to bring it up in arguments. Finally one day I told him to stop or i want to breakup. Although he didn't see any wrongdoing he said he was going to stop. Just recently i needed to use his pc and a file with porn just poped up as soon as the pc was turned on. I saw porn on his new pc and I flipped. He said he only said he would stop to shut me up or to save me from myself. My bf says that all his friends and all guys look at porn and he is not doing anything wrong. I'm ruining the relationship over nothing. Pls advise.

Are there guys who don't look at porn? if yes how do you take care of yorselves? And how often is too often?

To Samba: There is nothing wrong with my self esteem. I get enough attention from guys when I go out that porn in no way could change the way I feel about myself. Yes, I do workout and I can say I'm attractive. I am not afraid to loose him to a porn star I am not afraid of loosing him to anyone else either. This has nothing to do w/ jeaolousy or lack of self confidence. To me this is a matter of respect. I like to vist strip joints and I have done on frequent occasions when I was single, but not while with him. He does not approve (I don't think it's appropriate either) and would not want me to go to stip joints, so what is wrong with me not wanting him to view porn everyday. I don't like it and that is it. Sex life with my ex-partners was pretty wild. Sex with current bf only happens about once or twice a month and he is not willing to try different thigs and in dif places. So I feel like he s/b be spending time with me instead of porn.

Answer 1

wow. tough issue. there is no easy answer here.

first and foremost, let's get something clear--you are going to deal with this issue on some level with any man with whom you ever have a relationship. this issue is about a fundamental aspect of male sexuality. it may be expressed differently in different men, but every male that has ever walked the planet has had an innate disposition toward polygyny--pornographic fixations are simply a modern expression of this basic instinct. make no mistake about it, though specific behaviors vary widely among individuals, the root source for these behaviors is universal--all males must channel this energy somehow.

ultimately, what you decide in this situation is going to have to depend on the level of love, trust, openness and commitment between you and your partner.

in order to initiate communication about this complicated issue it may be helpful to understand some of the basic reasons that males behave the way they do. simply put, you need to remember that the sex drive is all about biological reproduction. our complex relationships are something different. relationships are about philosophical ideals (romance), social cooperation, and fulfilling our needs as emotional beings--they play a role in channelling our sexual energies, but this is only a part of the modern relationship. whereas relationships are complex, sex is simple. sex is about reproducing our genetic patterns.

the problem you are having centers around the disparity in reproductive strategies between males and females, and the cultural acceptabiltiy of distinctive modes of resolving these conflicts. (i know that i'm using a lot of difficult jargon here, but bear with me, i'll explain what i mean.)
males are naturally built to desire multiple sexual partners. if you keep in mind that sex is actually about reproducing your dna, then it stands to reason that a male would be most successful in ensuring the survival of his biological heritage by dispersing his seed as far and wide as possible. whereas a female can only produce one offspring every nine months, a male can pragmatically produce well over 300 in an equivalent time period. (though most males aren't realistically capable of copulating more than 2-4 times a day, putting a ceiling of around 1000 for a nine month period, the biological fact remains that the average healthy male produces approximately one to five billion sperm for each egg a woman produces.) if you're asking what this has to do with you and your boyfriend and porn, here is the answer: the natural inclination of male sexuality is to impregnate as many females as possible. your boyfriend's body produces more than a billion sperm each month. your body can only provide one egg. he's looking at porn because his body is telling him that he needs nine hundred and ninety nine million nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine more women in order to successfully bring his boys to life. the women he looks at in porn fill a little bit of this void. this is no insult to you. this is biological reality, pure and simple.

now, you may meet some men who claim that they don't look at pornography, but that doesn't change the fact that their bodies are producing billions of sperm (each and every one a potential little joey, or bobby or stevie or johnny, each one clamoring for a chance at life) and they must find some way to resolve the conflict presented by the fact that a single woman cannot accomodate this supply. (trust this: the excess energy goes somewhere).

ok. back to your issue. i don't know what your relationship is like, but if you love each other, and are open and honest with each other, you may find that you can work out some way to deal with this universal problem in a way that allows you to make a life together. remember--every couple that has ever played the monogamy game has dealt with this issue on some level. and though many of those relationships have failed, many others have been able to work out compromises that have led them to see their monogamous relationship as the richest, most vital and rewarding part of their lives (or at least so they say). the key is going to be your abilities to really understand each other's subjective worlds.

my advice to you is to initiate a communication about this with your boyfriend. tell him you want more out of the relationship. understand that you will both have to make sacrifices. see if he really is committed to your happiness, and ask yourself if you are really committed to his happiness.

i doubt you are going to get him to stop looking at porn in the near future. accept this. if you can't find a way to accept that, then breaking up may be your only option. but you may find that there are ways of turning this into a mutually beneficial arrangement. try finding ways to incorporate his tendency toward fantasy in your sex life. role-playing may be your best friend. remember, he's looking at porn because his primordial sexual consciousness is convinced that he has expended sufficient seed on you to fulfill your reproductive capacity, and it's telling him he needs different vessels for dissemination. if you (and he) can trick his primitive sexual consciousness into believing that he's reproducing with a different sexual partner (the naughty nurse, the school teacher, french maid, policewoman, catholic schoolgirl, whatever) you may find that he has incredible reserves of excess sexual energy you can share. the key is getting the primitive parts of his mind to believe that you are a new, different female. if you've got acting chops, pull 'em out.
now, he may resist. he may be embarrassed delving into his personal fantasies with you--or more likely, perversely sensitive to objectifying you in this fashion (it sounds ironic, but he may care for you too much to easily see you as a simple sexual object). the best way to deal with this is to truly inhabit the role (you're not his girlfriend pretending to be a nurse, you're a nurse just trying to do your job, and you are shocked--shocked! that he would think that you would try to seduce a patient.) this may not sound like something you want to do. it's up to you to decide how important the relationship is to you. essentially, all the complex ideals we construct around our concept of a perfect romantic relationship end up boiling right back down to the base reproductive function of a relationship. is this the person you think is best suited to give the basic molecular fibers of your being a chance of survival in another generation? it's a question only you can answer.


p.s. going over some of the other answers, i noticed that there are several women commiserating with you on this issue, and some (hereigoagain) decrying the moral reprobation of your boyfriend's actions. perfect anecdotal evidence for how universal this problem is. some of these responders may consider my suggestions debasing or profligate. but in order to understand this issue it is important to have a deep historical comprehension. remember that among our primordial ancestors the most powerful males formed harems of mates with whom they reproduced until another strong younger male would grow powerful enough to oust the patriarch and claim the breeding privileges of the harem for himself. the females knit together the fabric of the social group while the males fought to see who was strong enough to breed. this is the basis of our social history, which chronicles a project of domestication--the taming of males, the subversion of their primal nature until a point where today they surrender their instinctive design, their prodigious reproductive capacity (the current world population redoubled in two weeks) to yoke themselves to the whim and monthly egg of a single woman whom they serve with gelded devotion. and still--still! there are hens clucking across these cyber channels, scolding males for the last limping, ineffectual vestige of what used to be a vast, indomitable sexual nature; reprimanding us for grasping at straws (pun intended) as the last dying breath of the tremendous, wild, prolific reproductive energy expends itself into useless ghostly images dancing harmlessly within the ether. come on ladies, i know that the project isn't done until men are completely emasculated (and don't think that the final castration isn't just around the corner with the upcoming cloning technologies) but please, have a little perspective--the noble savagery of the y chromosome--the essence that would wage war against all the world to give its offspring a chance for life and survival--it is a spirit all but broken in this modern moral world; step back--show some respect as it dies.

Answer 2

Porn is not the issue. It's an issue of values. You simply don't hold that value while he does. It's that simple. You can't force him to change just like he can't do to you. One individual cannot fulfill all that we need in a relationship. It's either you come to terms with it or stop the relationship if it is that big of an issue. Next, as to whether or not viewing porn is taking away from your sex-life, I seriously doubt it. You are targetting the wrong thing. You need to grow-up and realize that people become bored with each other. It's an inevitable fact of monogamous relationships. To pretend otherwise is delusional. No matter a new position; new toys; role playing--whatever new thing you trey will eventually become tiresome. Relationships eventually, over time, evolve around respect. Love and intimacy are over romanticized values that just don't occur unless you get involved with something (or someone) new. You can respect the things that make him happy therefor making you both happy, or just move on if its that serious of an issue. Being bored is fine. Humans were not meant to be monogamous. It's an arcane social institution that is unrealistic. I know you will not enjoy hearing this but the best advice is often the truest.

Answer 3

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a very serious conversation with him. And I do mean *talk*. I don't mean accuse, or throw it up in his face. Don't be confrontational. Just talk to him.

My boyfriend looks at porn. We discussed this early on in our relationship. I don't have any problem with it. It never has detracted from our relationship or our sex life. We have an incredible sex life. But that's because we talked about it. We discussed the different things we both liked in bed. We shared our fantasies (some we've done, some are just fantasies that turn us on but neither of us have any real desire to do in 'real life'). However, I'll often check out the videos he has, or check out the online porn he's been looking at and then recreate it in our bedroom. Sometimes we'll check out pictures or watch a video together. Have you done that?

Perhaps what you're doing in bed isn't what he needs? It's no reflection on you. You might just be sexually incompatible -- at the moment. But that can change.

You need to sit down and ask him what it is that he needs from you sexually. And you need to tell him what you need sexually. If you are both willing to do what it takes to fulfill each other sexually you'll get through this.

Have you shared your fantasies with him? When you said you've initiated sex, how did you do it? Did you just ask him to have sex with you? Did you do the things he likes to turn him on? Men are very visual. Perhaps you can put on a porn show for him in your bedroom. Pull out the sex toys, some sexy lingerie and show him just how much you want him. You might even go so far as to video tape it for him so that he can watch it over and over again.

Porn does not have to be a relationship breaker. You can use it to enhance your sexual experiences with your boyfriend.

Answer 4

If porn is the only issue between you two then it will be stupid to leave someone on that only. I watch porn sometime when i have that much time but after few minutes i hate to watch it and run to my wife to forget about it and give her a what she want in a superb way. She never mind me watching anything like that, she knows she will be the one I will come to after watching it. And she cashes it all in. No mater who I watched or how pretty she was, my wife is the one I love and cherish not those babes in the book or computer. I believe women should not make porn such a serious issue. After all a big portion of man's brain work on imagination e.g. I watch cartoons too with my 3 and 5 yr olds but that don't make me a dreamer or living-on-clouds person. It just relaxes me and prepares me for the day or at the end of day for that mater. Addiction to porn and ignoring your wife for it is trouble. For example if my wife is around and want me to be with her, I would rather be with her than sitting on computer only to watch porn, enjoying it then go to bed and fall asleep. Check with professional experienced expert on relationships, they agree that men never give-up porn and they never consider this as a serious issue that some one should dump them for it. Stop being offended from men watching porn, thats absolutely not your competition. Now if you don't want to do "it" with him for one reason or the other, he has to get that brain pleasure stimulation from somewhere knowing you will be the only person he will come to make it in real sense. I mean the touch of skin, the smell, the sound of her voice, the love, the expectations are all absent in a porn, why would I consider that over my wife?

Answer 5

Guys and porn go together, they just like it. This doesn't mean your bf is unhappy with you. Guys who are perfectly happy with their significant other still enjoy porn. Guys don't put emotion in to it, it's just exciting to watch.
If you want to make this work you will both have to compromise. If your bf knows it bothers you so much than he should try to hide it a little better or cut back so its not so much in your face. On the other hand you may need to compromise as well. Try watching it with him to see what he likes, this is the easiest way to find out what gets him the most excited, what a great opportunity. Try something with him that you see in the porn, or better yet, got a video camera? Make your own porn!

Answer 6

I'm not a man, but I understand how you feel.
All men like porn. If they say they don't, they're lying. Some just know how to hide it better. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but would it make you feel better to make your own porn that he could look at? It takes a lot of nerve, but it's worth a try. Meet him half way on some things.
If he just can't give it up, and it seems disrespectful to you, then he may have an addiction. Maybe some counseling will help. Good luck.

Answer 7

What's the big deal? So what if he looks at porn. Are you afraid he's gonna leave you for some porn image on his computer screen? You need to find some way to increase your own self esteem. Maybe get a personal trainer and start working out like a fanatic so you can have better self esteem. If that's what you need to do, then do it. Are you telling us that if there was a naked guy on your screen you wouldn't look? Get over it already!!!

Answer 8

yes most guys look at porn it's ok look at some porn yourself you might like it --you would probably want sex more if you watched it every once in a while --it keeps things exciting --he's not imagining that you are those girls it's the sex that turns him on not the girls --guys don't care if the girls are hot or not just how dirty the sex gets...you should watch some one night with a Glass of wine and a open mind seriously... you could save your relationship and you could watch it together....you may always feel uncomfortable knowing he watches porn but you can get more comfortable watching it for yourself as some extra enjoyment for you too...a lot of women watch porn too we just don't tell everyone
let it go baby if this is the biggest problem you 2 got then this is silly to get so upset over....don't throw away one man you love who looks porn just to end up with a man you don't love who likes porn ....really don't compare yourself with those girls he's not it's porn it's a tool for sexual excitement that's all
it's like a cooking show for people who like to cook
you don't care what the cook looks like as long as the foods good and you get some good recipes

Answer 9

Most men look at porn but they are raised it is taboo and immoral.
I also had this issue with my husband because he cosed to hide it from me as he has hidden it from anybody for years.The best thing to do is tell him how u feel,understand him and just ask that he is honest.You said you felt rejected but he didn't turn u down all the time.Let me ask u this have u ever turned him down?How do u think he felt.You are not always going to be in the same mood all the time.How about looking at it with him every now and then?It can be enjoyable for both of you and he will not always want to watch when u have sex.
Yes you have taken this a little far but its not to late to try to work it out and compromise.

Answer 10

It all depends on you and your value system.

If you feel it is wrong for your boyfriend to watch porn, then find a new boyfriend. Otherwise be ready to fight about this issue for your whole life.

Do not suppress what really bothers you just to keep a man you may wish you had never kept in the first place.

Yes, men may look at porn, but not all men are addicted to it. It sounds like your boyfriend just may be.

Think, do I want to deal with this issue for the rest of my life? If so, go ahead and continue with this relationship. If not, break it off and find another man whose values are more in line with yours.

It is hard enough to have a relationship with another person whose values are similar, adding this difficulty will only ensure more heartache for you and him.

Added note: Though the porn is bothersome, what is more worrisome is his willngess to lie to you about it than just be upfront. Be wary of other things he may be willing to lie about just to keep up the "fake" peace.

Answer 11

Men don't ever have to grow up in this society, they can always get away with the old "everyone else is doing it", how old are they? He won't change because he's getting more and more 'friends' that are doing it everyday. I got online to research the same topic and all the head lines were about how to enjoy it with him. Sex sells and our society would rather be slutty than smart. It's already scarey and it's rapidly getting scarier. I'm wating for the headline, 'why get married to a real woman when you can be with a virtual woman? We guarentee one (or six!) that you can turn on and off!' Good luck sweetheart, we're running out of 'real men' in this world.