I don't like to have sex with my husband becuase he says things that hurts my fealings and we fight offten, my husband says that if I gave it more he would be nicer and we would get along better. What do you think???
2006-06-11 14:35:32 · 21 answers · asked by lee b 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't think that I use sex to get what i want, itjust that when your called fat or lazy you don't feel so attractive, or sexy
2006-06-11 14:47:19 · update #1
your right
2006-06-11 14:37:09 · answer #1 · answered by ♦Diego♦ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was married to/was with an abuser for 21 years and I grew up in an abusive home, so I know it when I see it (I went thru counseling for years to be able to recognize it and get over a lot of crap). Your husband is being abusive and he needs to stop or you need to leave.
The other thing is that it is how it has always been from the beginning of time. Women are emotional and when she is put down constantly and told she is ugly, fat, etc, then she doesn't feel like having sex/making love to her spouse, let alone anyone else. It is affecting her self-esteem and damaging her psychologically. Men are visual and will have sex/make love no matter what has been said/done.
You need to talk with him and let him know how much he hurts you when he talks like he does to you and let him know that women are emotional beings and that they WON'T have sex if they feel hurt, unloved, uncherished, etc. He also needs to know that using sex as a bartering tool is totally WRONG. I have the feeling that even if you gave him more sex, he would keep on abusing you and it would get worse rather than better. Most guys (not all) will say and do what they have to so they can get sex. They are a**holes and don't know how to treat women. Only you can make the decision to stay or go. But, if I were in your situation again, I wouldn't give him much of a chance after talking with him and letting him know how you feel for him to change. And if he didn't change, I would leave so fast it would make his head spin.
I am lucky in the fact that I found someone that loves, cherishes, and respects me totally. He treats me like I deserve to be treated all day every day, no matter what. That is one reason why I make love to him often, and the other is to show him how much I love him and appreciate him. Making love/sex between couples is supposed to be just that: showing how much you love, cherish, and appreciate the other person, NOT to get someone to stop abusing you.
Good luck.
2006-06-11 22:09:31 · answer #2 · answered by honey 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why do u even married an A$$hole like that to begin with? Never stay with an abuser!! He is an insecure person that require life time therapy... Since when having sex becomes a bargain for being treated nicer? Shouldn't husband do that all the time? What is he? A taliban from Afghanistan?!!
2006-06-11 21:40:12 · answer #3 · answered by sstooc2001 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no matter if you don't feel like sex or do, he should not say things to hurt your feelings, words can be like knives and cut to the bone, when things are said , you can never take them back. he needs to be aware that when he hurts your feelings he kills just a little bit of the love you have for him. and eventually you will no longer have any love for him. it will all die, just like when a guy is trying to get over a gurl and he calls and calls her and eventually she says mean stuff to him, he thinks about those mean words over and over until he no longer cares for her. you husband is doing the same thing to you. you will think yourself out of love. if the attraction is gone and you don't feel like sex with him, it will probably never come back. that may be a sign that he has killed all your feelings for him. if there is just a tiny spark left , he better do everything he can to keep from smothering it out. once it dies, he can never light it again. now if you are getting your needs met somewhere else and the new boy tells you how great you are and you deserve better and you are trying to get your husband to treat you like your new boy does. you are wasting your time. you got all that attention in the beginning from your husband, if you end up with new boy, all that sweet talk will stop also. women go to work and a co-worker will be all sweet to them and they think , I deserve better than what I am getting at home. so they start thinking. why can't my husband see this , paco at work does. paco hasn't lived with you for x years and put up with your moods and crap either. a year of the moods every single day will have paco running for high ground. when women start judging their husbands it's usually because some other guy has given them a little attention and it went to their head. but when there is a chance of paco being stuck with you, he will find another ear to whisper in. how close to right am I in your case. you can email me. I won't tell your husband.
2006-06-11 21:57:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sound that you two are caught in a circle of confusion: He says mean things - you refuses sex - he says more mean things - you continue to refuse sex - and round and round it will go.
So, you both are right and you both are wrong. The question is, who will be the bigger person and end this vicious cycle once and for all. He shouldn't say mean things to you, you shouldn't say mean things to him. As far as sex, you are married to the man so sex is a part of the deal. I can understand that because of his comments, you don't feel very sexy toward him. You guys have just got to stop this thing and decide that you are going to BOTH apologize and start acting right. You have to try to feel sexy and he has to try to make you feel desired by saying nicer thing to you.
2006-06-11 22:07:29 · answer #5 · answered by truly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be honest neither one of you are correct. What I see that is needed is for the both of you to grow up a little more. As for your husband he is acting like a little boy any you are punishing him by taking things away from him. You are not there to just take care of his sexual needs you are now his partner in life and he will have to recognizes that fact. I do hope that the both of you sit down with a marriage counselor and get your marriage back on track
2006-06-11 21:52:54 · answer #6 · answered by kilroymaster 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband seems to be trying to make your relationship conditional. That's the wrong basis in trying to make marriages work. Marriages, to be successful should be based on understanding rather than on conditions.
The second aspect with regard to where you husband is wrong is in him saying hurtful things to you. Another important ingredient of a healthy relatioship is respect which should be bidirectional.
You should ideally make it clear to him as to when, where and why he's wrong. And the best way is to correct him exactly the time when he's saying or doing something wrong as it'll be the best time to make him understand his mistakes. Hope this'll help with your situation.
All the best.
2006-06-11 21:55:22 · answer #7 · answered by chlschr 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him how you feel. Tell him that when he calls you fat and lazy that it makes you feel badly about yourself. Tell him what HE is doing to your self esteem. If he doesn't listen or care, time to move on. Don't take this mental abuse from him. You do not deserve to be called fat and lazy by anyone, especially your husband.
2006-06-12 00:12:29 · answer #8 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the two are directly parposionate to eachother... or your both right.... If he didn't say what he said then he would get "it" more often.... But if you gave "it" to him more often then he would be less likely to say what he says...
Just remember that a marrage is a COMPRAMISE... and at times one of the two has to swallow there pride and do something that they don't feel as though they should to make things better.
2006-06-11 21:40:05 · answer #9 · answered by Big John 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You married your husband so you knew what you were in for. I do think that you should talk to him and explain your feeling to him. Let him know that it bothers you how he talks to you and that he has no respect for you. Then let him have his say and see how well you both can rectify the situation. If you cannot solve it on your own then seek marriage counseling.
2006-06-11 21:43:06 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you're both right... and both WRONG.
You're using SEX as a BARGANING CHIP... that's wrong.
He should be making you feel CHERISH and certainly should NOT be saying things that are HURTFULL.
(assuming they are not just normal things... you are TAKING as hurtfull, in order to have something to throw in his face, to have an excuse for NOT having sex) [I met a gal like that once... she lasted 2 weeks]
Anyway... make each other happy and the problems will GO AWAY... as if by magic.
2006-06-11 21:39:32 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋