Why in 2006 women are still looking towards & dependent on men to validate who they are as women?

Question

Despite all the strides women have made through the centuries a great many still seek their self-esteem, self-worth and confidence through men. They do not own their own power and in fact give it away for a male assurance that they are indeed worthy. Having had the privilege of exposure with women from universally diverse ethnicities I know that it is not exclusive or particular to any one culture rather it is quit a common phenomenon that is relevant across all cultural boundaries and ethnicities. My question is why, what is the common thread that binds us across the centuries and the globe?

Answer 1

You are one brilliant woman, my dear, so let me commend you on this fantastic question! I am impressed.

Most of this is based on the traditional value systems and societal mores our respective cultures, religions and leaders have taught us to believe and value since humans first walked on this earth. Because men were physically stronger, they were encouraged to be the hunters and bring home the food to their communal families. Additionally, they were the defenders of the home and were the fighters. Both things were considered to be more important as tasks than taking care of the children, home and hearth because it ensured the survival of the species. Women were the gatherers who literally tended the home fires, minded the children, and prepared the food. As these traditions and beliefs got carried across the ages and religious beliefs, mores and value systems took greater shape, these concepts stuck.

Because men are physically able to impregnate more women at any one time than a woman can due to the long gestational period in pregnancy, our ancestors came to believe in the survival of the fittest. If a man was especially strong (and consequently a good fighter and provider of food), he was considered to be vital to the ongoing continum of the species. As such, he fathered more and more children, and thus a greater value was placed on him. If a man did not possess these skills, he was not considered to be the best choice. Even now I have read that women will unconsciously choose a man because of how strong and virile he appears. This is why some women might choose a muscular guy - he appears to be the best choice in producing healthier and stronger children, rather than someone who appears less so. As modern as we all think we are, we are still animals and carry these instincts with us. As an aside, have you ever noticed that when women live together or work in close proximity our periods begin to cycle almost identically? This is because we actually smell the hormonal changes they are going through on an imperceptable level, and our cycles change with them. Why? Because our ancestors lived in communal societies that required more children to ensure its continuation, women's cycles coincided to ensure simultaneous ovulation and pregnancy.

Because of these long held beliefs, most, if not all of us, are taught to believe that our primary purpose in life and goal is to find a good man - one who is a good provider and will take care of us - so that we can have children and carry on our species.Certainly our parents are not actually going to tell us that, but it is something that is inferred and expected. While we can have fun and frolic when we are young, it is expected that we marry at about age 23 and settle down and build a life with someone. Thus, to ensure that our genetic heritage continues, getting married and having children is the ultimate goal. To want something else for yourself means - to others - that you don't place value on this goal.

Though men are not actually hunting for game as our ancestors did, and we are not sitting by a fire roasting a wild boar any longer, the basic essence that men provide and women nurture remains true in this day and age. While many women work obviously, and many earn good money (but less than men), men are still considered the primary breadwinners in our lives. Women, no matter how well educated, successful and professional they are in this life, are still expected to take care of things at home. This is why women today are so exhausted half the time - they work a full day and work a full night.

Unfortunately, you are indeed right in your assertion that women don't own themselves and place their value on whether or not a man is in their lives. Likewise, too, women place their value as women on whether or not they can get pregnant. We all assume we are fertile, but many of us aren't and this is devastating to us. We feel less than whole, especially when we go on the merry go round of treatment options. Fertility treatment centers are flush with women trying desperately hard to get pregnant. Some women will spend years and a fortune on fertility treatments in the hope that they will get pregnant with their illusive baby, when in fact, they should probably give it up. To give it up means you give up the future. To give it up means that your man may leave you to find someone with whom he can have children. (As an aside, if a woman chooses to give up her quest for fertlity, chances are that people will expect her to adopt, but if she doesn't she is viewed differently.) But for those who can get pregnant, the joy is immeasurable! She is fulfilling her obligation and her role.

More over, most of us - but not all of us - want to feel accepted by our families and our peers if we follow what is expected of us. Women who choose not to marry or have children are considered to be oddities. It is assumed that all women want to have kids, when in fact, many women don't. It is assumed that all women want to marry, when in fact many don't. For a woman to go out of the norm, she becomes a threat to other women and men because she isn't following what is expected of her.. Likewise, if a woman chooses to divorce her husband, she is viewed as a threat to other women in her social circle because she has done what others fear the most - to live life on their own without a man by her side.

As a woman who was unable to bear children and who went through 2 awful years of fertility treatment almost 20 years ago (though I gave it up when it became too much of a burden on my body and mind) I was viewed as an oddity because I didn't want to adopt. Regardless of the fact that I didn't have the money, or the fact that my first husband and I divorced, I cannot tell you HOW many women told me that I should adopt. The fact that I didn't want to disturbed them. In fact one female friend of mine insisted that I get pregnant with the man I was dating after my separation, even though she knew I couldn't have kids. This irritated me no end, because it showed me how much my independence SCARED her and THREATENED her position in life. She was in a miserable marriage at the time (but got pregnant anyway) and stayed with him for a full 11 years after her kid grew up; miserable and unhappy, but still married. That I owned myself and did what I needed to do for me and no one else scared her because it was something she couldn't do. She placed her self worth on having a husband and a kid. I placed my self worth on being independent and on my own, no matter how hard it was. For her, rocking the boat and doing something for herself meant that she wasn't following the rules. Additionally, when I got divorced many of the women I knew - who were part of couples I used to socialize with - started getting weird with me when I was around their husbands. They didn't have a problem with me when I was still married to my ex, but the moment I was on my own, I threatened their territory. I was no longer safe in their eyes; I posed a threat.

At 50, I will tell you this: I own me. I have always called the shots in my life. I have always followed my own rules, and frankly, I don't care what others think. What I do is what I choose for ME and my life, always. I learned this the hard way, but I did it for me alone.

Answer 2

The common thread that binds us is not giving away our self worth or confidence through men. It is the fact that men and women are dependent on each other and for as many different reasons as there are people. What each of us own we don't give away, we simply share it. Those who want more fight for it, those who are satisfied enjoy it. It is not black or white, right or wrong. It is being who we are that stretches across the globe.

Answer 3

I do not think liberalism changes attitudes on sex role issues. Sometimes, it makes it worse. Sometimes, it makes it better. Sometimes, these bra-burning strikes have set women back and made women less secure. For example: living together. The biological roles of men and women will never change. When a women moves in with a man before marriage, she becomes a victim and his slave. She also becomes less secure. I also think that many women now believe that they can raise a baby without a man. That is ludicris. A child needs a father and a mother. A women cannot possibly do it the same way a balanced father and mother can do it together.

Answer 4

People innately seek their self-esteem, self-worth and confidence through other people. This is true of both men and women.

In the US, there are many women who do not give up their power for male assurance. So we should assume you are talking about the world in general. The cited observation is primarily caused by traditional, flawed cultural roles that enable this type of subservience in most countries.

One thing to keep in mind is the sanctity of marriage in most current cultures. It is generally frowned upon in most cultures for women to marry other women or to get a divorce. So if a woman is in a flawed relationship with another woman where she gives up power for assurance, she can quit that relationship, but if it is with her spouse (the most obvious for others to observe) there are cultural barriers for her to leave that situation. So there is a de facto observation bias regarding this issue, which leads to the focus on gender that is seen in this question.

Answer 5

For some people it's the way they have been brought up. If a girl is raised in a male dominant environment they will sometimes stay in that situation. I was brought up without a father and I have found that it is more difficult for me to take orders from men. I respect men and everything but don't find them more dominant.

Answer 6

when there is true love the differences just vanish. anything can be given as a price for true love. it makes a person live with happiness which everyone of us aspire for.
when that can be achieved, nothing matters at all.
its immature to talk of self esteem, self worth or confidence. all of them take a back seat in the presence of true love.
before experiencing true love everyone talks the way you do.
you will be alright. good luck.

Answer 7

Most women know they can be dependent, and want to prove it. But there's still that part of us that wants the man to validate us. I think it's because of self-esteem. We know we can, but we know to know that someone else knows we can to really feel good. Other women recognizing it is not enough, because they are fighting for the same thing. It has to be the "Alpha Male" who validates our accomplishments.

Answer 8

Because their primary role models were their mothers, who they're getting their values systems from. Luckily there are still a few men out there willing to be the caregivers.

My husband and I are equal partners and neither of us is financially dependant on the other.

Answer 9

I know that I am not dependent on a man or anyone else for that matter to validate me. I built myself up on my my own. I hope that women out there learn how to do the same thing

Answer 10

your question begs another as it is not connected with the first part of your statement. many men have worked as hard as women to get the equalization they so richly deserve, yet women are always down on men as if the men living today had something to do with womens victimization from many many years ago...my question to you is why cant you just say what it is you want instead of trying to hide behind the truth?

Answer 11

It has been that way for decades upon centuries upon milleniums...it is not going to change in a few years. It' sad, but true. The good thing is that we are taking steps forward in that area, at least we are not regressing.