Should we consider divorce?

Question

I am 30 and in a 5-year marriage with a great man. He's my first and only lover and we've shared many happy times. We're best friends. Yet for years, this is all we've been to each other. He's content with the situation and I'm not. I want to be a wife, a sex object and mother--not just a friend.

Sex has always been hard for us and we've endured long periods of absinence. He's a workaholic, thriving on intellectual pursuits while I've come to crave more physical and emotional contact. I want travel, adventure, and friends; he's a homebody with no friends other than me. I've begun to want kids but he is adamantly against them, even the thought of them.

So many differences and hurt feelings. I love him and feel guilty for considering divorce. He makes me feel like I'm his world, and that without me he'll break. That kills me, but I'm afraid I'm losing myself. We've been trying to fix things for 7 months yet I don't think he gets it.

Any suggestions as to what I might do?

When we married, I agreed with him that we wouldn't have kids. I didn't begin to desire motherhood until about a year ago. I waited for a while to tell him, wanting to be sure. I feel bad for changing my mind. But I can't help it!

Answer 1

Before you make any decisions you may regret later, or take any half-baked advice from those of us on Yahoo, get yourself and your spouse to a marriage counselor, a person trained to work with both of you to see if your differences can be overcome and your pair-bonding made stronger.

Answer 2

Been exactly where you are in a 19 year marriage, he wanted kids, I did not. We divorced, and to this day, 20 years later we are still good friends. I married someone who also didn't want children, and he married again as well, but they never had any. It was important to both of us to stay friends. We both accepted that our marriage could not go on. If having a child is a big deal in your life, you will only grow to resent him. If he agrees to become a father, he will only resent the fact that he gave in, and you will resent that he is not a better father. You can't make someone be something that they cannot be. Since you have tried for 7 months to get things going, and it has not, in your place I would accept that your marriage is over, and move on. It's hard, let me tell you, but time heals, and there is another person out there.....Good luck

Answer 3

This is a pretty tough situation, if this man doesn't satisfy you and you crave more often now than before, he isn't the type for you. Why? Because you need to think about yourself first before you think about your husband. You guys aren't Romeo and Juliet. If your heart is satisfied with what you've got with him. Don't divorce.

You could also get him alone and talk about your emotions. Maybe he doesn't know how you feel and thinks that you're happy the way you are right now. It's always good to let someone else to know how you feel. It will make both you AND him feel so much better knowing each others feelings clearly.

Answer 4

You don't say anything about what your understanding were regarding children when you were dating and planning your wedding to have a life together. If having children was something that you discussed previously and he agreed to then he should be honoring his commitment to you regarding that. However, just having children doesn't necessarily rectify the lack of sex since you might easily become a mother and then he would return to his workaholic tendancies and again lack in providing for you sexually. My suggestion is if he's not willing to make these changes with you, and assuming he did agree to children previously, then maybe you should invoke a trial separation based on your needs for more physical attention. If the adage 'absence makes the need grow stronger' doesn't work then I'd say your only recourse is to end your relationship and seek new and separate lives.

Answer 5

‘Sounds like you and I should form a club, except mine is more the case of monotony even in bed with my Mr. Lukewarm. ‘Guess it’s too much to ask for anything spontaneous at times; everything must be planned and thought through, even a trip to the City or the Coast, which are not very far away.

Still, he’s a nice guy, and my preference is to work things out. If our spouses know how miserable we are, maybe they’ll be willing to change certain things. Other things they will not be able to change because it’s just a part of what makes them who they are. Then, we’ll have to figure out if those are the things that we could live with. If yes, then, work through the relationship. If not, with no kids, in this modern age, I don’t think we need to be in a relationship that claims our happiness and maybe even sanity, do you? That’ll probably the best thing for our husbands too. Since having miserable wives couldn’t be too good for them either.

We can't love out of guilt or compassion, but in one of the management trainings I received is that "Once you make a decision, not to look back."

'Wish I had the magic answer for us, but 'guess I'm just trying to work through something similar myself. Please let me know what you decide.

Answer 6

Before you consider divorce, have you tried marriage-therapy? That is always a good start-just to see if there is any way of resolving things as a last resort.

However, you cannot stay in a relationship for fear of hurting someone else, as all you end up doing is hurting yourself. Life is short and theres a lot of people out there who just 'live'. You need to be doing more. You need ot enjoy life and fulfill your life. If children is what you want -then bare them, adopt them whatever. Its a great feeling to know you are responsible for showing a little life the world as it grows.
Life is meant to be enjoyed and conquered. Live your dreams and fulfill your ambitions. DONT LET PEOPLE HOLD YOU BACK!

Answer 7

Its really very easy for me to tell u to do this or that,without undergoing ur situation.But yes sister,i would request u not to consider this extreme step of divorce.You both are good friends.He says u are the world to him.He is a virtuous person,so i observe.He is an introvert and is consistent in his job.You cant dismiss his dedication to his work as being workoholic.Nobody wants to work to death.Talk to him communicate about ur future together.Ur urges to be a mom,to get the family started for more meaningful life.Talk to him that u want him more.Take interest in his intellectual pursuits.
Talk and debate in a logical and reaoning way to prove ur point.

Answer 8

I'm against divorces. Marriages are supposed to be through good and bad...til death do you part.... It makes me sad to know how horrible the divorce rates are, here in the US. Keep talking to him, but also listen to him. You guys should try doing compramises. Relationships are supposed to be about two people, NOT ONE. I really do hope you guys stay married. Having a best friend who is also a great lover is awesome. You never truly know what you have, until it's gone! Good luck to you.

Answer 9

You have as much right tohave a change of feelings as anything else in life. It is known as maturing. Talk to husband tell him your feelings about divorce and family life. If he is your best friend he should understand and may even go to counseling if he feels the relationship is worth saving [which it is]. This is something that can be worked out to both of your satisfactions. Do not feel guilty about divorce it is probably coming out of fustration, tell him that.

Answer 10

Marriage is about compromise, communication and compatibility. You are wanting more and getting less. Before you consider the "D" word, sit down together and make some new plans. It is time for you two to evolve to another level of understanding.