Husband: sex 1 time in a month?

Question

I have no idea what to do. For 4 years of our marriage I have never been satisfied (although before the wedding he did a good job always), and during these 4 years we have sex 1 time in a month (that's a lucky year!), right now - it has been 1 month and 3 weeks. Everything is fine in the family, except sex. I hate this so much. I talked to him hundred times. He says he always is ready, but it's my fault - I don't want to, or I don't have time, etc. That is not true though. Just last night I was waiting for him, he came into the bedroom, I started coming on him, but he turned to the wall and fell asleep. I am desperate. I do not know what is going on. I am a good-looking, nice and attractive. Is he cheating on me? I am so tired of this. It would be much easier if he would say - hey, I cheat on you. Or - hey, I don't love you. I am really thinking about a divorce. I can't live like that...Please, I need your opinion. This is going on for all 4 years (we dated for 2 years bef. wedding).

So, all 4 years he has been cheating on me?
I do not want to cheat. I'd rather divorce. Should I?

This is all so f*cked up. I am really miserable. If he doesn't care, why should I suffer? It worries me and I do cry a lot when he's not around..:(( I don't let him see my tears. I mean, do not take me wrong, but once a month - this is horrible...

Answer 1

This seems to be fairly common. I know the kinda stuff you will get from Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura. Men do get board and loose interest in having sex with their wives. Unless he has physical problem he is still going to be in need. Maybe he forgot that sex was designed as a multi-player activity? Men can be more than a little senitive about discussing sex.

Answer 2

You are miserable but you don't let him see your tears? Perhaps you should. Perhaps he really doesn't realize what an issue this is for you and what easier way to make your point than to let him see your pain.

Now, could there be any other reason that he is uninterested? Does he work a lot? Has he been depressed? Stressed out over anything? Yes, I know, you state this has been going on for 4 years but being over-worked, depressed or stressed out CAN take its toll if never addressed.

Do we think he's cheating? Does he have time to cheat? Is he gone from the house when he should be home? Not at work when he should be? Smelling like strange perfume? Only you know his schedule--when and where he should be.

My STRONG suggestion is to REALLY talk with him. Let him know, unaccussingly, how the lack of intimacy makes you feel. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and spill your heart. If he still isn't receptive in any way, shape or form, at least you know you gave it your all and perhaps THEN it would be time to make other plans for your life if you feel your current situation isn't bareable.

Answer 3

Just go back in time, and think of all the times you and your hubby used to make love and see if maybe, you did or said, that is putting a block on your sex life.
If you use sex as a tool to take control, maybe he wants to take control now. I see where you say that, hes blaming you, that should be a big clue, and check maybe he need some meds, if the old yard stick is only inches. He is talking to you. You and him should work out a time schedule and make time for your love making but in a fun way. Good luck, and hope you get some soon, I know the feeling.

Answer 4

first of all you need to ask him is he cheating on you . when that is out of the way ask him if he is gay,Many gay guys get married in denial , then you need to explain to him how you feel .make some sort of system so you both know the other wants it Eg three shoulder taps .Sounds a bit werid maybe .Buts its actually a big turn on . I personally think there is a big problem .I have been married twenty one years and we still do it a average of three times a week , Be gentle dont hurt is ego ,He may not be able to get it up . i think you need to get to the bottom of the problem but be gentle with him , Also one more thing is some thing maybe effecting his sex drive or his sex drive is not as strong as yours ,Is he over weight

Answer 5

I don't quite agree to dark_soul. Cheating could be one reason but there could be others.
Although quite unusual, he may simply have a low drive. It is possible. Was it ever different before?
Maybe you could get a neutral 3rd party to look into the matter.
Maybe talk to his doctor, whether there is a medical condition or consider counseling to bring it up.
I know of at least two cases where the men were brought up in a very strict, conservative and religious environment. And for them, doing it was simply sinful and very dirty. One did his duty as often as his wife wanted it but it always ended up in big disappointment until she finally gave it up and..
The other one behaved similar to your husband.
So before you take any rash actions and condemn him of something he may not do (although of course I don't want to exclude the possibility that he does), give him the benefit of doubt and try to find out what the reason for his behavior is.
Depending on the outcome, you may think about it again.

Answer 6

First off don't get me wrong I'm not defending your husband because a loving wife like you deserves to have her sexual needs fulfilled and then some, but maybe just maybe there's a medical or psychological problem that he's embarrassed to talk about or see a doctor about, so don't start filling out the divorce papers just yet, and I commend you for not cheating that's the easy way out of the situation.

Answer 7

This is an area that's not talked about all that much. I'm in the same situation... only worse.
Been married for 6 years-- no sex for the last four.
Husband is mid-fifties and has no sex drive.
sometimes I'm fine with it-- and sometimes I'm so angry about it, I could just spit.

I have no advice... just commiserating. Our finances are good, our values are the same, we're friends-- just no passion. Sometimes I think that every couple has their "stuff." And, I guess I'd rather have this than someone who was a liar... or a gambler, druggie, etc.

Answer 8

well, you are getting sex more than i am. i have been married 8 months and had it once, on our wedding night. so, how is that for ya? it does bother me at times. and every time i ask him why he doesn't want to do it, he changes the subject or says i am not ready for it. and he seems to think that we shouldn't have sex until we are ready for children. i just don't understand at times, but i still love him and i would never divorce him over it. maybe seek sex therapy or a marriage counselor. get some help, but don't divorce him. marriage is to be forever. if you really loved him, you would do everything in your power to work things out.

Answer 9

To me there a 4 possibilities; (1) He is Gay and trying to cover it up through your marriage, (2) He has been cheating on you the whole time, or (3) he is not sexually attracted to you and see the need to be married to for other reasons, (4) he resents you for committing him to marriage when he does not love you and was most likely just using you prior to wedding.

We all deserve to love and be loved in a marriage, so my advice is if there are no children to leave this marriage and if there are children seek professional advice because this is no way to live, trust me I know!

Answer 10

ou asked: is it possible for me to get pregnant from him? The answer is yes. You will first have to either abort your current pregnancy or take it to term. There is a period of about 8 to 16 months that you should wait for self repair. After that time have sex with the second guy again but do not use a condom. So it is possible to get pregnant by him. Hope that answered your question. Seek spiritual help for your general behavior.

Answer 11

talk to a doctor maybe his health is effecting his sex drive. hopefully you can encourage him to go with you if not talk to your doctor yourself. Another is seek a family therapist together or alone. If all these fail go to a natural therapist and ask what can be taken to enhance his sex drive. Tell him before you leave that you are going to get some vitamins for you both to take to help with your general health and energy. They say the more people have sex the more their sex drive increases by doing this you are giving him a little shove in the right direction.