Hubby won't see a marriage councelor....says I need to talk with someone myself?

Question

I have been married almost 30 yrs. My husband stopped working about l0 yrs. ago(supposedly can't work) I went back to work, for financial reasons & sanity reasons. He won't let me have time to myself when I am home. When he does go somewhere it is to drink, approx 3 or 4 times a week. He doesn't touch me anymore..no hugs no kisses. Only if he wants sex, which he makes sure is only for his good. I tried talking to him about he makes me feel. I ended up going to the dr. cause of my nerves & feeling so hurt & rejected. He was upset that I had talked to the dr. about him. I asked him to see a marrriage couns..He told me I should find someone to go talk to, to deal with my anxiety & nerves. About 5 mins. after I try talking to him about these things, he acts like nothing is wrong in our relationship. He was upset that I wasn't happy, he thought we were best friends. I do feel alot of resentment towards him for not working & for witholding affection from me. What should I do?

Answer 1

Unfortunately it is a known fact that men just don't get the message. If a woman asks to see a counselor together to work problems out, men always believe there's nothing wrong and it is the woman who has the problem.
Until one fine day the woman decides that 'Enough is Enough'. Then they wake up and want to work on the marriage problems but the wife, rightly, has long given up and is already moving forward to a new life.
I had the 'pleasure' to watch and listen to two couples who went through a similar situation like you do and it wasn't pretty. And it was exactly like all the books say - the woman wants to change it, the men don't see the problem. The woman says "That's it" and the men starts "Let's work on it"..
I fully agree to what others here said. Go and get help for yourself to see things as they really are. From experience, what usually happens is that the woman starts feeling guilty (It’s all my fault) and if she doesn't do anything about it, it can be very damaging for her self-esteem and will take a long time to get out and live her life the way she deserves it.
Maybe if you can see a counselor for yourself, he/she can give you some advice of what are other things that you could do to try saving your marriage and give you an outside/in view. At the end of the day however, if really nothing changes from his side, you will have to seriously think about the next step. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
Life is too wonderful to waste it.
Good luck!!

Answer 2

Actually it might be a good idea you go to the doctor alone and let it all out. If you do talk to a therapist it might give you the insight and strength to confidently communicate to your husband in a way that might sink in. If your concerns in your marriage still don't effect your husband in a positive way after therapy ad least you will be better equipped to make a decision on what you want to do next. The two of you may be best friends but it is apparent that he doesn't see that what he is doing to himself is hurting him and you. In your question it reads that he won't let you have time for yourself when you are at home. That is something you have full control over. If you want time to yourself take that time. It seems you have spent many years letting him call the shots and letting him do what ever he wants. He doesn't want to admit that part of your anxiety and nerves and feeling hurt and rejected has anything to do with him. Now is the time for you to assert yourself, set boundaries and let it be known how you want to be treated.

Answer 3

First off your immune system is really taking a hit because of the stress. Look into saving your immune system. There is a great book PRESCRIPTION FOR NUTRITIONAL HEALING. That will give you help for that. You can end up seriously sick from the stress... FOR LIFE!

Your husbands response about marraige counseling is very typical. Both you and I know it takes two to keep a marraige running. For some reason it seems to take a brick upside the head of many guys before they will admit they actually DO REALLY need help.

You can IN NO WAY CHANGE YOUR HUSBAND!

What you CAN DO is work on creating your own life outside of your marraige with your husband. You have taken the first step by getting a job outside of the home. That is good.

You deserve to be waited on just like he appreciates being waited on by you. Start being selfish... in a good way... by taking care of yourself like asking if hubby "Oh honey, Could you get a glass of water for me?"

" My back hurts, could you give me a two minute massage?" Ask little things of him so he can DO things for you. You will love it... seeing that you can ask and actually get taken care of in a way that you didn't before.

Detach emotionally.... not completely.. but enough to create a peaceful nurturing space for you. If you have a spare room fix it up as your sanctuarary.

Start acting more interested in leaving him alone and more invested in creating new friends and opportunities for yourself. You will have new and different things to talk about with him then. You will be more interesting to him... probably more interesting to yourself too. We women invest too much time in our man when our major project should be ourselves. Men tend to gravitate towards women that are taking care of themselves. So do things for you.... because you deserve it. :)

Take a class... have regular outings... with the girls or by yourself... Even if it is to window shop and refresh your brain.

The main thing is to do what you need to for you. Be creative. You never can tell where life will lead.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Well you should tell him to cut down on the drinking and stop giving him so much money to go out with.....If he doesnt have the money he cannot get drunk as for everything else bargain with him tell him if he goes to one counseling session then u will do something for him.......But if that does not work then I am out of ideas........He should respect you and make sure you are happy just be honest and tell him if it does not change then you dont know how much more of it you can take.....Good luck.......

Answer 5

I wish i had answers i am having the very same problems but i can tell you i am at the end of my rope i cant take the emotional abuse and sometimes physical i truly be live it is the alcoholism and as far as I'm concerned i am getting a life of my own and dumping the lazy abusive drunk i cant bring my life down further and i wont watch him kill himself i don't like how he makes me feel and he sure don't treat me human remember always it is HIS problem leave leave run run run save yourself and kids if you have them mine has destroyed any kind of happiness for us me and him run run run tell him to get out of your home and life.

Answer 6

Go get some counseling yourself and stop resenting him. You need to take care of things for yourself and learn not to take his abuse. the counseling should help you and give you tools to cope.
If you take action he will learn that something is wrong.

Check out Boundaries in Marriage and you can get lots of good tools if you want.

Good Luck and God Bless!!

Answer 7

Even if he won't go- see a counselor for your own sanity. There is no reason that you shouldn't be able to talk to someone about him. If he is really that concerned about your talking to someone else about him, tell him he is welcome to come along. (Secretly that's called marriage counseling). Even if your relationship isn't worth it- you are!!!

Answer 8

Well you're already basically alone,so why not try seperating from him & see what happens.Also,seeing a councelor is a good idea.

Answer 9

if he really cared for you he would at least try.
if he dont leave him.