ahh the beauty of the English language I think?

Question

these are the real deal originating from actual high school essays. a dark and stormy night......


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he was
room-temperature Canadian Ham.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

Answer 1

FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY!!!

Answer 2

Actually, these are parodies of bad writing, not real essays. Originally from the Washington Post, Style Invitational Report. They’re from the Bad Writing Contest, specifically, the Analogies and Metaphors Division.

Answer 3

wow. that's as beautiful as a sparkling white t-shirt fresh from the dryer after being cleaned with Tide with bleach because it had grass stains and dirt all over it because the guy wore it to play football with his buddies in the back yard.

Answer 4

I think we have a potential best answer given by tonalc1.
No need to say more :)

Answer 5

I really like 4, 6 and 10. These made me laugh out loud. Not much does these days. Thanks.