How do you let your 21 yr old son go when you know his choices put him on the edge of Nothing?

Question

My son (my baby) is on the verdge of losing his house, he's already lost his job all because of crack! I have tried everything from enabling him to threats to crying , yelling,you name i've done it! I have offered to put him in rehab I've offered to go with him to N.A. meetings and I've oferred him to move back home, so now i'm trying the tuff love route. I've told him I will no longer help him till he decides to help himself, and I can not deal with seeing him high. So now it's been almost a week since I've seen or heard from him and it's killing me. How do I deal with this? Have I made the right choice? Any suggestions would be greatly appreicated.

Answer 1

You have made the right choice. I was once someones 21 year old son, and I am sure she had to go through the same thought process as you. He has to hit rock bottom, and be really scared, then he can start to crawl back. Just give him love, no money, and wait, when he really needs you he will come back to you.
My mom and my grandma were there when I did hit rock bottom, and they are the only reasons that I am alive, or not in prison, today.

Answer 2

My question for you is are you willing to deal with him losing his house, because i think you have done all you can and right now the best thing is what you are doing , letting him experience life by himself. He will come back to you. But do not back down at this moment. If you find him and bring him back home he will figure that he will always have you; therefore he has no effort to make. Take courage i know it's hard, I feel you! Let him know that your arms are wide opened to a new and refined him. Do not push him away though. He might blame it all on you later on. You know with the effect of the drugs and all. Please try to remain calm, i know it is going to take all the effort that you possess. But you are a good mother if you did all you could. Sitting and waiting is hard, so if you are christian , pray while you're at it, that might calm you down. Your son will come back, especially when he realizes that his mother is a stable woman, and he will crave that stability when he realizes that he screwed up. He will admire you and your courage and devotion. It will take time. On the side , see if you can catch up with some of his friends to know if any of them have seen him. As long as he is fine (still alive), just sit, pray and wait. Don't stay alone. I congratulate you for being who you are. Good luck Ma!

Answer 3

Ma'am, you love this man and obviously have done the best you could have. He's a man and no longer a baby. We learnt to let go as parents, the first time we allow our babies to stand up on their own and fall .... Yes, you love him but you have to let go.

Use what you know of his psyche to help him. Is it his love for you, for someone else? God? Is he possibly a spiritual seeker?

If religion, church, community doesn't work at this point in time, do you think getting him to do some Yoga exercises and meditation could help him find himself (he's a person who has displaced his 'centre' or normal way of thinking and needs to get that back). One can learn and practice Yoga without losing one's belief and faith in a particular religion be it Christianity, Catholicism, etc.

I am a Christian, but find that some of the Yoga practice and exercises can help if we keep an open yet Christian mind:

"The principal teaching of Yoga is that mankind's True Nature is Divine. Man is unaware of this True Nature and, instead, falsely identifies with his body and his intellect ­- both of which are comprised of 'Elemental Matter' and hence are subject to death and decay. All of mankind's misery is therefore a consequence of this false identification. Yoga leads to realization of the True Self, and with such realization comes liberation from all human imperfection.

"The Yoga Asanas, or postures, aim at physical well-being and control over the body. A healthy body is a prerequisite for a healthy and controlled mind"

If this is not against your religion, please have a look at and contact someone:

http://www.themeditationcenter.org (Centre in Minneapolis, USA)
http://www.swamiveda.org (HQ in India)

God Bless you and your baby

Answer 4

its all related to peer pressure hanging out with the wrong crowds that's when you should have stepped in & put your foot down wheather he lives in your home or not never give up on him be there for him. now he has lost his job, & his home, he has no where to go let him know that your home is his home & start from there it will be hard at first i'm sure you will be receiving a phone call thats when he will be reaching out for your help pls. do not push him away make sure you stay nice & calm over the phone yelling will get you no where it makes things worse especially when hes not all there its just as if you are talking to a drunk & drunks never listen what makes you think he will? catch him when hes not high i think you can tell if your son is high or not by now? good luck my heart goes out to you.

Answer 5

Yes!!!!! you made the right choice, tough love is very hard, but you tried everything else, its not like you didn't. You can't be dragged down to, I know his is your baby but drugs break a family up, I'm sorry,, really,, and he needs to help himself now. You should try a support group for yourself help you thru it..But don't cave in..
Remember as much as he is your child he is a man he needs to stand on his own two feet you can't hold his hand forever..
And I know you don't want to see him fall but his not listening or helping himself.. you can't force him. I know you love him, but in this case you need to let him get better and only HE can do that for himself.

Answer 6

first good job on being so concerned drugs are such a big part of growing up that most parents overlook them, the tough love action is just a step u have to take to figure out what reaches him, i don't know if Ur family is pro-god, or what but i had a hard time getting over drugs and nothing worked i went to rehab twice i went to n/a for over a yr i did it all and so did my parents, and finally before i was deployed to Iraq Jesus came to me and from there on out Ive been straight i even quit smoking and profanity oh well i hope that helped

Answer 7

Well, double check on him. I would say do an intervention he needs help. Force him into a hospital, have a friend take your son for a ride that ends at a mental health facility where they treat cocaine addiction and won't let him out until he begins to face the addiction. Some friends of mine did that for another friend of mine 3 weeks ago. they more or less forced him to get treatment and join Narcotics anonymous. Do the same.

Answer 8

You did the right thing. You can attend meetings for yourself, it helps to understand how enabling is hurting him rather than helping him, some have support groups that are for spouses/parents in the same predicament as you. Even Al-Anon would help, since they deal with the same 12 steps, and this is exclusive to spouses/friends, etc of alcoholics. My brother is horribly into drugs, in and out of rehabs, etc. My mother attends the Al-Anon meetings.

Answer 9

The only thing I can tell you is that I will pray for you and your son. Two of my nephews ended up in prison because of crack. I had already put myself into bankruptcy trying to help them. The only thing I could finally do is stand back and cry. Your son has to make the decision for himself to quit. Until he does, just tell him you love him, and try not to give him any money. You know where it will go.

Answer 10

Sounds familiar!!! You are on the right route, as you have tried everything else! Noone can tell you there is something more you *should have done* to make him better. This is not your fault momma. Tough love is the way to go. pray pray pray, I will agree with you in prayer each time I go to sleep, as I pray for a certain someone not allowed in my life. Peace