see my husband want me to give him a ******** but i don't want to because i was raped and thats a trigger for me but now he's mad at me and won't talk to me and kicked me out of the house. what should i do?
2006-06-10 11:46:57 · 42 answers · asked by cassandra n 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
WOW........I would truly hope he would be understanding about the rape situation and think about your feelings instead of just his own!!
2006-06-10 11:49:22 · answer #1 · answered by yellowsunfire1971 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is an absolute jerk, and that is being nice. If he can't understand that certain things are going to trigger feelings from the rape, then you don't need or deserve him. You deserve to be treated much, much better than that--with love and respect. And to throw you out just because you wouldn't do what HE wanted is childish, to say the least.
I, too, was raped. Certain things still trigger the feelings from it (I was date raped 23 years ago), though not nearly as often as they used to. They were triggered a whole lot (almost every time we had sex) while with my ex husband. The boyfriend I have now loves and respects me and treats me like a queen, so I haven't had any problems with having those feelings triggered.
I would say that you will, probably, need to go thru some counseling to deal with the rape whether or not you stay with your husband. If you decide to stay away for good, then I would say not to find anyone new until you have had time to heal. It can take lots of time and work, but it can be done, and is worth it. You will never ever forget the rape, but you can learn techniques to be able to handle it.
Contact me if you want to talk. I am usually online. If not, then e-mail me. Good luck!
2006-06-10 12:01:15 · answer #2 · answered by honey 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're in a tough situation. On the one hand, marital relations should be open, with both partners willing to try to help each other out. On the other hand, it sounds like you've been through a horrendous experience and he should respect that. Kicking you out of the house is way outta line.
Had he NOT kicked you out, I'd suggest that you be honest with him about why you don't want to do for him what he wants, but that you're willing to maybe see a therapist to heal from your trauma.
BUT, now that he's effectively tried to force you to do something you don't want to do, I'd say he's not the right person for you. I'd seriously consider divorce.
Sorry, it's brutal but then this was a really tough question.
2006-06-10 11:51:57 · answer #3 · answered by jimmyjimmycocopuff2003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he apparently doesnt care weather or not you were raped he only wants what he wants, that is the saddist thing ive ever heard. i guess what i would do is move on he apparently is very selfish self gradifing jerk who doesnt care about any thing but himself,if he kicked you out for this what will it be the next time and about being raped i am so sorry, i was molested as a child and i think you should try and get some therapy i thought it was a big nothing spend your money and nothing but i was wrong it helps and it works atleast it did for me. that way you can deal with what happened to you and put it in a place where it can be dealt with.
2006-06-10 13:42:22 · answer #4 · answered by moe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is a jerk.
No guy should pressure a girl into doing something she doesn't want to. PERIOD. Since he's your husband, that actually makes it worse. Then he goes and kicks you out of the house.
Does he know you were raped? If not, that is no excuse for him to blow up like that. If he does, then I'd suggest leaving him. I'm a huge promoter of councelling, and I've never told someone flat out to leave their spouse, but in this case I'm making an exception.
2006-06-10 11:57:19 · answer #5 · answered by chia_vampire 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A rape is a traumatic experience. No doubt. But you gotta get over it. You're with a man now who loved you enough to propose marriage to you and you loved him enough to accept. You should be completely safe around him. And I'm assuming the rapist also penetrated you vaginally, correct? Well, why isn't vaginal sex a "trigger" for you as well? I think deep down you simply don't like giving BJ's and you may be using the rape as an excuse. Think about it: Did you enjoy it before you were violated? I'm guessing you didn't. Learn to be completely comfortable w/ your husband in all things you share with him.
2006-06-10 11:57:37 · answer #6 · answered by mcclean5552 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OKAY - for everyone else, she said HUSBAND not boyfriend, so don't just "Dump him." You two need to get into therapy and you need to get into some personal therapy for dealing with your tragic event. Couples get past this all the time but you need someone who can help you both navigate the rocky emotional landscape here. Therapy can be very affordable through insurance or a sliding scale therapists sometimes use for people without mental health insurance.
One thing is for sure - therapy will be far cheaper than a divorce. And you both love each other or did in the past, so its worth a shot. Good luck!
2006-06-10 12:05:41 · answer #7 · answered by jimanywhere 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, your husband is not right, in fact he is a totally insensitive clod. If he cant understand and respect your feelings on a matter this small, I really hate to think what he may be like on other issues. I know its hard to hear, but truly, you are better off without him. Just remember to be more judicious in your selection next time, and there will be a next time. Also most importantly, YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN, so dont even try.
2006-06-10 11:56:14 · answer #8 · answered by ooldroger 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love your husband and really want to please him, ask him to go to counseling with you, to help you heal from you past traumatic experience. I share your feeling, and it does affect your personal relationship with your husband. I am an ex-rape victim. Still today, it effects me. I know I need counseling. I am afraid of marriage, and had no sexual contact for the past 12 years. That's not good. You don't want to grow old by your self. Go and take care of your problem. They have outpatient treatment. It wasn't your fault, and still it's not fair that your husband should have to suffer for what some other animal did to you.
2006-06-10 11:54:22 · answer #9 · answered by Petergirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough situation for sure. The key here is compromise on BOTH parties. You have to at some point try to find some resolution to the rape situation and you have to do what it takes to pleasure your husband. At the same time, he has to be understanding that it takes time for u to get over whatever you have to get over and he has to be supportive. COMPROMISE is the key.
2006-06-10 12:44:23 · answer #10 · answered by boomerang3que 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband is a ***!!!!!! No he is not right! You should never have to do something you are not willing to do. If he cannot understand then I would think twice about staying with him. You have been through a traumatic experience and he wants you to do something that will cause you emotional pain. He is too busy worried about himself than to consider your own feelings dump him.
2006-06-10 11:53:13 · answer #11 · answered by nikkijgr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋