My husband and i have had a rocky relationship for 20 years?

Question

because of a 20 year argument we've not spoken now for a week, is it time to give up. He knows he's hiding the truth from me that could help us to move on, but he won't talk about it..hence the scilence for 7 days.

Should i throw him out. I've tried talking but he's not interested.

Answer 1

Recently, I was talking with a very discouraged woman. She had been married many times and was sick and tired of marrying the same type of man. Each husband had their own unique qualities but her marriages were the same. Her husbands were emotionally unavailable and she didn’t know how to communicate her needs to them without pushing them away. For many months this woman had done some intense soul searching. She had read every book she could on relationships. She had sought professional counseling. She sincerely wanted to break the cycle she was in. Finally, she came to the conclusion that she needed to look at her patterns. She began asking questions such as, “How have I contributed to my relationship problems?” and “What type of man do I need to marry to break this cycle?” and “What are the things that I must have in my relationships before I get too involved?” As is the case with most self exploration, she realized that she hadn’t ever analyzed what she wanted before getting into a serious relationship. Even more important she found that she had ignored many of her own needs because she was always trying to please the people she was dating. This new awareness helped her see that she had dismissed many “red flags” that had occurred early in her relationships, but she had dismissed because she felt such a strong need to be wanted by someone.

Stories like this are far too common. With well over 50% of all second marriages ending in divorce, many people who have experienced multiple marriages are beginning to wonder whether they can find the intimacy that they desire. Many become depressed and lose hope. They ask questions like this, “Will I ever find someone to be happy with? Or “Is there something wrong with me?” Many people have asked me these questions and I have pondered how to respond. I believe the following ideas will help answer these questions.

Create Change

Whenever we get stuck in patterns that we don’t like or that are unhealthy for us, we have to learn how to break the cycle. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t learn from history you will repeat it.” Therefore, one of the best ways to create change in your life is to sit down and do some personal self analysis. Questions you may want to ask yourself include:

1. Do I seem to date the same type of people? Make a list of the characteristics of the people you date. Are they emotionally healthy or unhealthy?
2. Do I do the same unhealthy things in my relationships (i.e., become jealous, become overly critical)?
3. What do I need to change to be more successful in my relationships?
4. Do I date people who are in need of me? Are you caught in the cycle of fixing others?

As you review these questions take some time to write down your answers. Look at them seriously and identify the things that you need to change to be more successful in creating the necessary changes in your life.

Healthy Relationships

Have you ever wondered what a healthy relationship looks like? In our class “Behind the Dating Mask,” we ask the question, “What does a healthy relationship look like?” It is very interesting that in almost every class one or two participants raise their hand and say that they don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. If you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, it will be very challenging for you to create something that you don’t comprehend. Therefore, the challenge is to identify what happens in healthy relationships. Here are a few questions for you to consider.

1. What are the characteristics of a healthy relationship?
2. What can I do to make my relationships better?
3. Have my past relationships been healthy? If not, why? If yes, what was happening to make it good?

Once you have written down your answers to these questions practice implementing them in your everyday interaction with those who are around you. In general, people who know how to have many healthy relationships succeed in their dating and marriage relationships.

Create a Safe Environment

One of the most important elements in every relationship is creating an environment where two people can grow. If you look at your past relationships, you will probably find that the environment wasn’t safe. By safe I mean you couldn’t express yourself without worry or concern that what you say would be rejected or dismissed. A safe environment is what makes two people want to try.

Consider the friendships that you have. Is it not the environment or the climate that makes you open up and feel safe and valued? The goal for each relationship you form should be to create a safe environment so you can grow and develop in your relationship. If you find that you are in an unsafe environment you should give serious thought to why you are willing to stay in an unsafe environment.

If you are dating someone and would like to assess whether your relationship is good or not, I would invite you to take our “Test Your Relationship” assessment tool
http://www.testyourrelationship.com. This relationship assessment tool will help you identify the “red flags” in your relationships so that you can look objectively at the person you are dating. It will also allow you to assess the climate of your relationship.

Good luck on breaking your cycle of unhealthy relationships

Answer 2

Marriage is supposed to be till death do us part. Break the cycle of your current relationship and do something totally different and fun together. There are so many things that you have together that you take for granted when you are fighting or remembering what he "did" to you, etc. If you have a 20-year marriage, you are blessed: there are people who have had less problems than what you who have had and are divorced and wishing that they could be back with their spouses. Everyone who is married thinks there is something out there better and for awhile it seems that way but it all boils down to the same thing at the end of the day: you are who you are and your relationship and happiness is largely based upon what you bring to the table. Are you bringing happiness or are you focusing on all the things that you spouse does wrong? When was the last time you allowed yourself to think a good thought about him? When was the last time you did something to make him feel special and loved like you did when you were courting? We reap what we sow in life - you have to plant the seed of happiness in order to experience it! Good luck and if I were you, I would work extremely hard to make your marriage work. No go plant some seeds of a happy marriage and if you don't know how to do so, the go the website that I recommend. Also remember, forgiveness, patience, respect and consideration are probably some of the most important things that are required to be successful at marriage. Practice them every waking moment of your life just the way your heart beats and your lungs take in oxygen and you will be amazed at the results!

Answer 3

this is a good example that marriages take a hell a lot of work. It would help to know what the 20 year issue is about. But if you two have been holding on to this for 20 years maybe you need to look at forgiveness and getting past it. For the sake of your marriage. As adult we learn early that we will not always get what we want and often have to find closure within ourselves. I would advice a impartial third party considering you two seems to have different feeling and views on how this should work out, and neither are really taking the other persons into consideration. Hence the silence and you being ready to kick him out

Answer 4

It's surely better than not talking for 20 years over a weeks argument...don't you think so :)

Try and look at the brighter side of things.

It's always better to let go of what happened way back in the past rather than let it ruin what you have today and what you could have tomorrow.

Even if it's his fault for whatever happened....forgive him and let go.

Ps. You past is History, your future is a Mystery... what you have is today and that's why they call it the Present.
Thus make most of today with a hope to make your future a brighter and happier one.

Hope you'll make the right decisions in resolving your situation with your husband.

All the best.

Answer 5

You have stayed there and put up with this for 20 years?? Sounds to me like there is much more to this than a simple argument. If it is a simple argument and the two of you have let it damage your relationship for 20 years, then you deserve what you get.. that's just stupid. But if there is more to it, then you need to examine that closely and figure out what you are willing to live with.. apparently a lot.. and no one can decide this one for you.

Answer 6

What you need is a third option.

You obviously loved your husband at one point – why not do the work necessary to make your marriage healthy and strong again? That would provide a GREAT example to your kids as well.

Contact a marriage therapist in your area and see what he says? It can’t hurt can it? At the very least you should read “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman” and “The Relationship Cure : A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships” both are available from Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609809539/sr=8-4/qid=1145495642/ref=sr_1_4/102-6657972-6060128?%5Fencoding=UTF8

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797/ref=pd_bxgy_text_b/102-6657972-6060128?%5Fencoding=UTF8

Answer 7

wow 20 years is a long time congradulations but i think whatever the argument was (depending on if he cheated) he needs a second chance dont say your sorry because he will think you were wrong. Would you really want to throw 20 years of luv and trust and respect it isnt worth it if you were so unhappy you should have left 20 years ago now would just be too much for you and your family to handel

Answer 8

If I was you, I would go stay at a hotel for 7 days or at a friends and not have ANy contact withhim during that itme. If you can stand to not be with him and vis vera then it is over, but if you feel like oyur world has ended do what oyu can to convince him that it this needs to be solved, if he still refuses then it is time to start 20 more with someone new

Answer 9

20 years is a long time, but what is a realtionship without communication. If he does'nt want to talk then how can you move on trust and communication are the most important things in a realtionship, if you feel that it's time to let go then let go but if you feel that there's a way you can get through to him then try and get things sorted. Good luck

Answer 10

Communication is the main thing in a relationship, if u 2 cant sit and talk like adults the relationship is going to fade. Your husband needs to just tell you the truth to get u off his back. The truth sometimes hurt, as a woman I love to know the trith whether or not it hurts. If that problem is not resolved you two are going to be unhappy and insecure of eachother. You also can let go off the past.

Answer 11

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/Dl94N