What do you think about my soon to be ex-wife?

Question

We are in the beginning stages of our divorce. Haven't even had our first meeting yet. Anyway, in early March she abandoned our family home and took our 7 month old son to live with her father. Read on.

I had spent all of last year working 7 days a week/14 hours a day which was rough, but I had to do what I had to do to be the provider for my wife and unborn son. Provide a home, food, and maintain insurance. My wife didn't feel the need or desire to work during that time. There is more to it but that's enough of that.

Her and I made an agreement that when I were to leave that job I could find myself a better job/career to provide a better financial life and work traditional hours to spend time with my family. It is not easy making a career change, especially when you've had the year that I had and you have a newborn baby at home.

Anyway after 3 months of job searching and interviewing she left. I was crushed and had trouble doing anything. I'm sure some people can relate.

So here we are now almost 3 months since she left and I have been working for a month now in a job that pays double the salary I used to make and I work from 9-5, well I do work overtime cause I have no reason to come home now.

She blames me for her abandoning our family home and now she blames me for the divorce.

1 week ago
Is she immature, insane, did she leave because of an affair? No one knows why.

Answer 1

I experienced a similar situation in my marriage: I have a very demanding career and it often requires long hours. My ex-wife couldn't understand why I was working so hard: I explained it to her but she would provide her own explanations: for example, I was not interested in staying home with her and the kids. Even today she called me a sperm donor! Well, marriage is tough. On one hand I understand a woman expecting to have her husband around and when he is not regardless what the reason, I can understand how she would be unhappy about that. But a woman who is giving and flexible would understand that although it may not be the ideal situation, her relationship with her husband is the most important in her life and that marriage is supposed to be till death do us part! Nowadays there are more options for women and more temptation so women are less inclined to work through the difficult times as was once the case. Even though you still care for her and miss you child, if this is the kind of person she is, then she probably did you a favor. If you guys get back together, then I wish you the best of luck. But if you don't I hope that you meet someone who will love and support you come hell or high water - because that is what any good man deserves!

Answer 2

One reason I can think of that her leaving could be justified is that she felt very lonely and abandoned herself. She probably realized that you were working long hours for the sake of the family, but that doesn't provide the emotional support needed, especially for a pregnant woman. And, if she became depressed during her pregnancy, that would have put her at risk for postpartum depression. When you're a stay at home mom, and never leave the house (and completely by yourself all day long), it can really do a number on your emotions. It's a tough situation to be in, and sometimes people can't handle it, so they run away. Your soon to be ex-wife just seems as if she wasn't ready for all this. There's no way for anyone here to know if she were cheating or not, so unless you have good reason to suspect cheating, don't bring it into the situation. I know she didn't work during the pregnancy- was the pregnancy hard on her?? I worked during my first pregnancy, but not with this one- No way!! Too many complications to deal with.

Try to think of any possible ways you could have contributed to the fall of the relationship. It takes two to keep it going, so you won't be completely off the hook, even if what you were doing was justified- ie. working long hours.

It sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk one on one- WITHOUT judgement, resentment, or anger, or you'll never find out what the problem was/is. Right now, it sounds completely fixable, if you're both willing. If you still love her, you need to find out of she still loves you, or else there would be no point in continuing the marriage. You sound like a responsible, caring man, but at the same time, if you hold onto the resentment from being hurt, nothing will ever be solved.

EDIT**** before you take anything that Panacea said to heart, please read some of his questions and other answers from his profile. He is a classic case of what pent-up resentment can do to your life. He's too scared to enter into a relationship fully because of past hurt- he gave up, and sees every new woman as the same woman (or women) that hurt him in the past. He has never gotten over it, and probably never will with such an attitude. You just need to be you. So why did he answer your question??- because misery loves company.

Answer 3

You seem to be a good, hardworking guy who cares enough for his family to ask this question. I have been in your wifes situation and i understand where shes coming from. When youre alone the whole day with your first baby all kinds of thoughts run through your head... is my husband really working this long hours or is he out with another girl?... is he staying away this long because he doesnt want to be with me?...(if she still has baby weight).... is he away because im fat and ugly now? A lot of things are in play. Youre both tired, shes lonely and probably freaked out with the baby(i was) ... Take this time to know why she left. I dont personally think shes having an affair.. but ask her. If she still loves you the drastic move she made was probably a frantic call for you to love her and pay attention. Go for counseling before you divorce. Divorce should be done when plan a, plan b, plan c, plan d.... to z fails.

Answer 4

Are you sure the baby is yours? She is just immature and doesnt understand the sacrifices. Most women only think two things. They want you around more, and they want to have the things they need. They sometimes cant have both in this world. How old is she? I bet if you wait a while she will come back, or heck with the extra money show up to the court house or lawyers office in a rented BMW. I am sure she will change her mind, you know what, if she already abandoned you once, then she cant be trusted again. Good thing your out of her life. vice versa.

YES RENT THE BMW it will chap her a$$

Answer 5

Yes your wife is being immature, you should however seek marriage counseling. There doesn't seem to be any suspicious activities by your wife. She like many people, found out that marriage isn't a fairy tale. I think with the guidance through a counselor she will see that she can trust you and herself as a wife and a mother. She didn't leave you for another man, she ran back to her Dad. She is still a kid in her mind. Please do all that you can to save your family, because your son and wife will live to regret this. Sometimes as women, our minds take a little while to catch up with our bodies. If you were willing to work such horrible hours to provide for your family, you should also do as much to save your family. Good luck.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry to hear that,but it sounds like you worked really hard to take care of your responsibility's.And be proud of yourself for that.My husband and I just moved 3 hours away from friends and family for him to take a better job(he put in 83 hours last week)so ya I can relate.But I look at him and think what a wonderful man I have to be willing to do so very much for me and our children.I think she must be very selfish and unkind to leave like that with no explanation.I think you may be right assuming an affair,that's what it sounds like to me.My husband works with so many men who's wife's are having affairs because they don't have time with the husband and men having affairs within the work place because no time with wife.I hope you can someday find someone to appreciate how hard your willing to work to provide the thing that's necessary in today's society.Don't give up on women.And remember to make what little time there is to spend with a future woman quality time. good luck to you !

Answer 7

This is going to be a HARD thing for you to swallow....very hard. You must admit to yourself that you made a very foolish decision to marry this woman. Part of that decision had to do with the way you view what it is to be a man and a husband. All good men have a heavy streak of altruism, but you allowed yours to get the better of you. You thought that all you had to do was do your part and everything would fall into place. That is not true and pretending that it is, is one of the biggest mistakes a man can make in life.

What is true is that few woman have what it takes to be married and have a family. That is an unfortunate reality but it is one you MUST face. They can't and won't hold up their end of the bargain. This changes dramatically what is appropriate in how you relate to women. Women are for sex and not much else. Let me repeat that...WOMEN ARE FOR SEX AND NOT MUCH ELSE.

Do whatever you can to unload your ex-wife from your life. Try to minimize the amount of money you have to pay her, if you can (you need a GOOD divorce attorny and probably an asset protection specialist). You probably should consider letting your child go, also. That is something too hard for most men to swallow, so I know you are unlikely to do that. Just understand the costs involved in still maintaining a relationship with your fruitloop ex-wife. She will continue to hurt you through this relationship and won't allow you to be a father to your son.

Your relationships with women from now on should be based on getting what you want and need from women. Never allow yourself to be monogamous and never put up with the slightest bullshit from a woman. Do, spend a significant amount of time adding new girlfriends to your life to replace the ones that aren't behaving anymore. Resist getting married again.

Now, you might find the rare exceptional woman who can hack it in a marriage. Probably not, but you may. What you are looking for is an extreme attitude of devotion and self-sacrifice. If you find that, you can marry her but you MUST keep your altruistic side in check in order for it to work. In all other relationships with women, you must force yourself to be demanding and selfish.

It's the only way.

Answer 8

While having a job is very important, it can break up marriages. A wise boss once told his employees 2 things: Unless you're doing volunteer work, don't do anything unless you get paid for it. Any time you think the world can't get along without you, just take a walk through the cemetary. It's filled with people who thought the same.

Answer 9

Wow, dont listen to that dude. You made vows. I know what its like having a husband who works all the time and doing what he thinks is right. Im home alone with the baby all the time. Its really harder than you think, cause you really miss your husband. Maybe this was the case. Talk to her, take her out and try to settle things.

Answer 10

Stress has taken it's toll on the both of you. Get somebody to watch your child, and ask her to go away for the weekend. If there was NO infidelity, your marriage can still be saved I think. The two of you need to get away and discuss the problems to find a solution to them. There is hope as long as nobody has cheated. See if she will go. Good Luck!!