Is my 25 yr marriage over?

Question

I've been married 25 years. Lately my husband has changed. He is more secretive about himself and when I ask, he tells me nothing is wrong. I told him that I am tired of feeling like I am the last on his list and that I want a seperation. He cried once and said that he doesn't want me to leave. I don't know what to think?

Answer 1

From a man's point of view: He has reached the age that he KNOWS his young-man's dreams are not going to happen. He has realized that he will NOT be where he thought he would be career-wise. He will NOT be the mulitmillionaire he dreamed of being. His life is in a rut, each day like the last, every Sunday is the same as last Sunday, nothing happened in between. He suddenly realizes that this time on Earth is not eternal, that he will one day die. He realizes that if tomorrow is like yesterday, there is nothing but one foot in front of the other for the rest of his life. The excitement has gone from him. He sees that the only adjustment he can make in himself is to settle for what has been, for things are NOT going to change into a bright sunny day. He stands in front of the mirror and doesn't know the person looking back at him. He sees a body that looks like his father's, not his. This entire thing is called............. Mid life crisis for a reason...it is a very real crisis! What he needs is support, understanding, and love. He also needs some serious counciling from someone who has been there...he needs to realize that this is the first step of a NEW, exciting life...he must lay down the old life and begin a new one that can be richer than anything he has dared to dream. He has all the tools in place, but he doesn' t know what to do with them. It is like stepping onto a construction site, all power and hand tools at his disposal, and told to build a house..with no plans and no experience! Whoa! That is a heavy load. I am not surprised he has gone into a shell. Do you really think he wants to share his percieved failures with you...you, the person that he thinks idolizes him, you..the person he thinks looks up to him for total support and backing? He is used to being the center of your world...and the center has a big crack in it. He doesn't want you to know it...foolish, yes. Real, yes. Stupid, yes. But real.
If I were you, I would settle down, get rid of all thoughts of separation...bad timing, to say the least! He needs you more today than he ever has, but he will not admit it...no, that is wrong...he cried and that was a great admission that his life is a mess....can't you see through the outer shell into the real man? Take a good look at yourself and at him. You are both on very strong footing, you just don't know it. So let's start somewhere else. IT is time for a career change for both of you...in fact, past due! Many of the world's biggest fortunes have been made after the age of 45-50-55-60-65! Between the two of you, you have a tremendous bank of knowledge of how other's think, work, deal, percieve, etc. Start working TOGETHER and plan a new business venture. Invest heavily into it..to the point of danger (danger always brings out the best in us) and gooooooo for it! Find something that excites both of you, gives you a reason to hop out of bed and get down to it. You will be amazed at the changes you will see...you will have a young man back at the helm, filled with confidence based on reality, not myth. You will find that the daily challenges just to keep up will overwhelm and excite you in ways you have never experienced.
I am speaking from experience. I am Phil Brandt, and I own a business I started at age 59, totally on line, thinking it would be good for a night out once a month...phhhhhh! Go to rhinestoneguy.com and see what has happened, all but over night. This may encourage you both to get up, get out, and get going. I am getting very personal here, for I feel that what I have been through needs to be shared with you. I hope this helps you see what is going on and gives you an out for the mess your husband is in, and has drug you into, by accident. At 65, I am just starting another new business! And it is going to be bigger than anything I have ever experienced...excited..you cannot believe how exciting my life is NOW....9 years ago, I wouldn't have given a plug nickle for it. Today, literally, I wouldn't take 5 million for what I have made. Go for it! PS..you can call me and I will help you find a new avenue. I am heavily invested in others like me, for I have been there and it sucks.

Answer 2

If you look back, i believe that you guys have been thru more tough situations than this! If you did not give up than do not do it now!!! 25 yrs is like spending all your life with that person, how can you just put that down the drain!!
There may be something that probably is bothering you husband and he might not want you to worry about it! How about calming down a bit and talking to him!! He may need you more now than you think!! Give it a try!!
Best of Luck! I hope that things work out!!

Answer 3

25 years------

Is it really a bother to you that he wants to put himself first?
or maybe he is handling a situation like a man supposed to do without worring his beautiful wife.
He cried, and said to you that he will not help you leave him?
Or even maybe he is keeping a surprise from you.

Go to him, hold him tight, and apologize to him, make him a nice dinner and have a pleasant evening and try for 25 more year.

Do you see that your marriage is not over, don't take the fast way out over a little insecurity issue of yours, after 25 years,give him some room and let him have somethings to himself.

Answer 4

When your husband himself has explicitly and categorically denied the want of separation and that too emotionally, then I believe that you are not thinking on right track. He wants you beside him. 25 years is almost half of our adult life and most of our mature life. Try to start thinking about what can you do to help him and open him up, may be through some common friend or like. Try to learn about his workplace/ financial situation. Does he get angry/annoyed with you on petty household chores or over some personal matters? If these signs are missing, then you should try to help him out of his changed position.

Answer 5

i once read that "pay attention to where the man's shoes are." this is so important. if he is there in your house every night, that really counts for something. he wants to be there. i think he is having a rough time and is going through a mid-life crisis. i would give him 6 months ( i know that sounds hard), but you will see a change in 6 months. stick it out. a lot of marriages end because of the mid-life crisis or the quarter-life crisis. focus on pampering yourself, telling yourself you are beautiful, and having fun on your own. also, this will help the relationship because men want to be around someone that is already happy...they feel if you are already happy, it is easy for them to try to make you happy, and he will have a better attitude.

Answer 6

Just because he told you nothing is wrong doesn't make it so . There could be many reasons for his secrecy . Maybe he's ill and doesn't know how to tell you ; or maybe he is going through other personal problems , or midlife crisis .He could be cheating ; or not . Don't end the marriage until you know more .

Answer 7

no, it's not over, give him the space to come to you. Try talking about it and tell him when he's ready your there for him. After 25 years I wouldnt let it get to you. Good luck for 25 more years. Tell him you love him no matter what it is and you will be there for him when he's ready! Don't force the issue!

Answer 8

talk to him, just don't let 25 years of marriage go down the drian without fighting until there is no hope. it might be something he is afraid to tell u that might hurt u. has he recently went to the doctors without u if so the doc told him something that scared him and he doesn't know how to tell u. never give up on the one u love because if u when u give u one them it might be just when they need u the most just rember that

Answer 9

It is not over by any means. Seek help and counseling for you and your husband and for this marriage. It is well worth saving. I know he does not want you to leave him by what you are saying here. Tell him and be honest with him about how you feel though.

Answer 10

He might be going through a mid-life crisis himself. I went through one myself, and it's tough. You question every one and everything.....most of all yourself. You can't function like you once did, and everything seems to be falling apart. Be patient with him, if he's not cheating or something bad. He will come out on the other side, feeling much different, and you will be glad you stuck it out. Good Luck, and lots of patience!