what can my friend do about her 15year old son?

Question

hes a lovely kid, just at that age where he wants money all the time but wont get off his butt to earn any for himself! Not making excuses for him but where we live, its hard to get any work if ur under 16, its quite a snobby town, its even hard to find people that want u washing there cars or doing there gardens etc!! My friend has brought her 3 kids up alone, there dad passed away about 7 years ago, then when she finally started a relationship with someone that the kids adored-he passed away suddenly. The kids dont trust many people as to them it must seem like the people they love or trust vanish from them?! Her oldest boy is 15, he has just smashed the house up as his mum didnt have the £4 he wanted! He was abusive to her, even when she came 2 my house to escape or at least to calm down! He came to my house saying he had cleaned up the mess so can he have the £ now!! He made the mess! U arent allowed to smack ur kids or discipline them anymore...so how do u stop this happening?!

Answer 1

well im a 14yr old kid (male) and im thinking about following in my friends footsteps and getting a paper round. The pay is gd

Answer 2

there's a thick line between discipline and abuse. it's okay to discipline but that won't work on a fifteen year old boy anyway.
just because he's too young to get a job doesn't mean he cant earn his money. your friend can set up a weekly allowance for him, in exchange for him doing chores like cleaning or what ever else she may need. an allowance will also do something to teach him about money because it's steady like a pay check.
if he has to work for the money he earns i don't think he will be throwing any more temper tantrums.
also he need a good male role model. i realize it may take him a while to trust someone but if he has an uncle or friend of the family that can be there that will also help. at the very least it will teach him that abuse is not how you treat your mom or any woman.

Answer 3

It's really a tough situation. Seeing it from the boys side, he's lost every man he loved. It's really hard growing up without a father. He's not had a stable male role model in his life that's been able to stick around, through no fault of their own of course.
Is there any type of group that offers male role models to boys in need there? They have one here in the US called Big Brother's of America. I think that would really help him more then knocking the hell out of him. You can look it up to find out if you have something similar there
He needs a strong male role model. He's 15 now so he has 'man feelings' but he doesn't know how to be a man yet. Someone needs to guide this boy. Maybe even your husband, perhaps?
I know this is really hard on the mother, she's still hurting too I'm sure but giving in and letting him rule the house isn't going to help him. Tough love and find someone to mentor the boy will be the only way she's going to get him through his teenage years without them hating each other.
Good luck to them both and you for being such a caring person to want to help.

Answer 4

Oh dear, that sounds bad. If he's smashing things up and being abusive, it sounds as though there might need to be some third party involved. This is a situation which looks like TROUBLE. Sons tend to get bigger than their mothers, and if he's following her to other places, it may come down to a day when she has to face calling the authorities to keep from being hurt.

Is there any sort of military preparation program around, for instance a JROTC type program? Those generally do wonders since 1) you're learning job skills and 2) the military does not like to put up with that sort of behaviour, drill instructors will generally get it out of their system.

To be honest, his behaviour is more than likely not stemming from the money issue. The problem is that he's not scared of his mum anymore, and that means trouble for her. I wish I had some better advice for you.

Answer 5

Oh dear. I've heard things like this happening as late grieving. To be totally honest, the best the boy could get into is some sort of sport or DoE (Duke of Edinburgh) this will teach him to have some control and into something that he loves. You can discipline your children but when your 15 you think that you own the roost. If he is the eldest boy he may think that he is rightfully the head of the house and that he should have anything he wants, this being the same as if he is the youngest. However, if being the middle child... he may have "middle child syndrome". Another option is to send him to boot camp to get him to learn respect for the one who brought him into the world.

Answer 6

Never reward bad behavior. Basically, what he did was illegal. I would let him know that: 1) the police will be called the next time he decides to vent anger in this way 2) there are appropriate ways to earn money and he can choose these 3) he will lose privileges and other things he wants when he chooses to act this way. Grief can be worked through in various ways but this sort of activity is no excuse. For teens, corporal punishment rarely works. They respond better to giving rewards for good behavior and negative consequences for bad behavior.

Answer 7

Your friend needs to sharpen her self-awareness. She doesn't realise that her own ideas about motherhood are hurting her ability to respond to her child appropriately. The boy will teach her and change her attitudes, but similar experiences of many other women show that it could happen too late to do the boy any good. She should educate herself as to the local laws regulating the behaviour of teens his age because she may have to call the authorities. In other words, she needs to know her son's legal limits. She should familiarise herself with the principles of "tough love". She should be absolutely certain that she places only those penalties and restrictions on him that she can enforce. His personal emotional/psychological problems can only be dealt with once his aggressive behaviour is managed.

Answer 8

oh my i thought i was the only one things like that happened to,,my youngest son is 15 he has been diagnosed with adhd when he was 5 yrs old...its been a long hard slog, the boundries need to be set and adhered to, she must not ever give in to her boundries , he will try and push it although, but his mum must stick to her threats or she will be sorry later on in life,,,its ok for other people to say ..do this do that....its damned well hard work to carry out what you threat with...but she must carry on till he gives up...she needs to wshow him who the parent is and who the child is ..now if he smashes her house up she must phone the police as it is criminal damage , show him youWILL NOT accept this behaviour and you will not get away with smashing her things up.. she has probably worked damned hard to get those things , not for a brat to go throwing about when he cant have his own way...its so hard to have to call the police on your own child , believe me i put up with crap off my teenager just how you describe your friends lad...but i did it eventually and i wish i had done it sooner..i hope your friend is ok and i hope it subsides somewhat but do tell her what i say wont you,,, i will be thinking of her tell her ok..take care bye for now

Answer 9

He is a bit too big for smacking now anyway, I do hope he is not on drugs. He needs to be talked to. They should have a meetingand lay down ground rules for the house and agreed rewards or punishments for any misbehaviour. Consider professional councelling too.

Answer 10

first the mother needs to teach the boy respect,,he obviously has no respect for her as in most cases mothers say they will give a punishment but never carry it through ..and the child knows this ..she must punish him ..keep him in ect ..if things get so out of hand he becomes a liability ,then she needs to talk with social services or parentline and have a rest bite period away from him ..he may then see how lucky he actually is .....