Tell me what you think of this?

Question

I was writing this one day... i was angry and i just kept writing and writing... and i felt that i had to show it to people and i was suprised on how emoish it was cuz i ain't like that but neways here it is.
I am going to go to the land of dreams where no one can hurt me and no one can take and leave me again. I will be forever there and will not be awakened until the due time. I shall sleep away the hours of shadowy darkness while in the bright sunshine of my own mind. I will be in paradise while you are left behind with the weight of ur filth of sin and death. Every one has gone and left me so i have left you to die. Go on and be without me for my pain of life can be cured with my inner soul. But alas i can't run away from this world and i can't do anything about it so i must either face the sad horror that is life or take my own as the blood would drip from my arms into a pool of descent. I will return to this unholy land of pain and torture of my soul.

Answer 1

I think it's beautiful that you are able to find words to clothe your emotions in order to express them on paper and allow them passage. Artistic expression captures those innermost feelings that most everyone experiences at one time or another. Earlier this moring I was reading something on pain I'd like to share with you.

"pain is the following of the line of the greatest resistance and thereby reaching the summit of the mountain; pain is the smashing of the form and the reaching of the inner fire; pain is the cold of isolation which leads to the warmth of the central sun; pain is the burning in the furnace in order finally to know the coolness of the water of life; pain is the journeying into the far country, resulting in the welcome to the Father's Home; pain is the illusion of the Father's disowning, which drives the prodigal straight to the Father's heart; pain is the cross of utter loss, that renders back the riches of the eternal bounty; pain is the whip that drives the struggling builder to carry to utter perfection the building of the Temple.
The uses of pain are many, and they lead the human soul out of darkness into light, out of bondage into liberation, out of agony into peace. That peace, that light and that liberation, with the ordered harmony of the cosmos are for all the sons of men."

Answer 2

um.... Sounds a bit histrionic. I like the "shadowy darkness" even though it sounds a bit redundant it still has a lyric quality to it, The "S"es and the "D"s in the middle just roll off tongue.

Sounds like you really hate the person here "weight of ur filth of sin and death... i have left you to die". I think you should at least hint at what the person did to hurt you. Or why such animosity towards this person. The transition between the escapism and the hate is so abrupt and rough. It's such a big jump in feeling and thought, that it's hard to understand.

"inner soul". That I think is redundant without the benefit of being pretty. I may be ignorant though. Maybe there is such a thing as an "outer soul" as well? I just assume that a soul would already be within.

So, that's a few of my thoughts... keep refining that writing. It's kinda interesting. BTW how old are you?

Answer 3

dat is some deep stuff you know and me being a poet as well i cant say anything like your crazy or you need help because youre expressing yourself and how you felt at the time. what i got from it is that you were with someone you cared for they betrayed or left you stranded now your alone and this world seems to cold and brutal to deal with so your crying out you want to get away from the pain and the only thing that could make you feel freee and painless again if you just left. but thats just feelings of the heart not crazy to ne one that said that but i really liked it i can tell a couple tears hit the paper you wrote it down on real good keep it up

Answer 4

I am sorry you feel alone and isolated. Find a church, any church and go to the Pastor after the service and ask when he could counsel you to help you from the hole you are in. Don't judge the others, let the Lord do that. That is what he asks us to do, plus forgive, because it is only hurting YOU and holding you back of you cannot forgive. You are a good person and a lot of people who don't know you and you don't know really care. I hope to see you in the promised land and then the Lord can introduce us for a joyful conversation.....Blessings and a Hug

Answer 5

I thought it was a deep piece of writing filled with emotion..mainly anger and sorrow. It sounds like you were hurt and want to leave this world because you were in so much pain. It is good but I hope you feel better now.

It's amazing how our mind works when in such state of emotion. They say that the most sorrowful artists are the best because they are driven by their emotions therefore making them very passionate and you can see that in their work.

Answer 6

sounds to me if it is your inner feelings you need someone to talk to. If it is a form of poetry it sounds good. I hope it's poetry and maybe you should continue if it's a little of both then you should keep writting and maybe you can get away without seeing any professional but you should at least talk to a friend or your Mom

Answer 7

you were trying to separate yourself from the moment and seen to do a good job of it...next time try praying in the spirit.. and see if you feel less stress in not knowing what you are saying but only God does...because He gives you the utterance...

Answer 8

If you really feel that way then you probably need to talk to someone. If not and it was just a way to release your feelings then it is totally normal. Writing is a good release.

Answer 9

This is too sad. There is so much beauty in the world.
I hope you can take a look & see much of it.

Answer 10

how morbid! it is really a good piece of dark poetry. clean it up a little, it'd be a perfect piece on loneliness and despair. it hurt me!