what do you think of this poem?

Question

Suburban Nostalgia

Cause this is how it ends
Suburban street corners
Uptown bends
I saw it evolve once in a dream
Everyone I once knew
Came running at me as a team

The lot of them
Bolted in my direction
The whole of them
Came running for my affection

Just when I thought
It couldn’t get any worse
The group of them vanished
Leaving me with my original curse

So I remain
In the city
Crying
In pain

A place I remember
A place so bittersweet
This feeling of Suburban Nostalgia
Knocks me off my feet

Such a disgusting experience
I wouldn’t wish for anyone
But it’s pleasure and rush
I can’t live without
This place is revolting
Suburban Nostalgia
What an awful disease

The feeling that remains grips my throat
Clutches, Holds on, and grabs
Tighter then I’ve ever felt before
The air lets me know
That I have nowhere to go
Suburban Nostalgia
My pain is starting to show

I’m not ready to fall on my knees
I’m not ready to die
My love, My Pain
It Simmers, Subsides
Suburban Nostalgia
My final peace
Suburban Nostalgia
My final resting place

So this is where it ends
A place of reminision
This place that transcends

Answer 1

Snaps snaps snaps
and claps
I loved it
I know where you're coming from man.
Such is life.
You stated it well.
I think it is an awesome poem.
And I DO NOT use that word loosely.

Answer 2

It touches a place and an emotion within me... which is what poetry should do. It has moments, though, where it falters a bit and I have to recover what the poem is doing. You are definitely on to something, it could just use some more tinkering.

There are some places where the rhythm interrupts the thought...and in my opinion there are some phrases you don't need. Examples: at the end of the first verse "at me" is explained in the next line. "Original" also seems extraneous and interrupts the rhythm; if you're left with it, it's what was there in the first place.

I love:
"So I remain
In the city
Crying
In pain"

However, I think the verse starting "Such a disgusting experience" is a little too "on the nose." In the remainder of the poem that follows, you give us examples of the feeling, we don't need to have it stated so baldly. See what you think of it without that verse. Anyone who is willing to read the poem closely will get everything that verse says by working for it.

This makes me ache (in a good way):
My love, My Pain
It Simmers, Subsides

And I think there is a real strength in the last verse only being three lines. It creates the feeling of being made incomplete by the nostalgia.

As with any writing criticism, take it with a grain of salt and trust your own vision. It seems strong. You make me wish I could write poetry again. It's been years. Now, I just write plays and essays.

Answer 3

simple rhyme scheme is cheezy and rather amature. it's too obvious and overbaring that it distracts the reader from the words.

the ending is loose. this place that transcends what? leaving it with the word transcends kind'a unties anything that came before it instead of wrapping anything up. it also sounds very redundant in the last verse. or in the least, more wordy than necessary. Infact, if you just went into more detail, you could probably cut the entire poem down to half the size and make it pack more of a punch. the description here it too simple to be dragged on this long.

you can treat poetry like a report and ask the who, what, when, where, why, and how questions. some people think that poetry is supposed to be ambiguous. I say, if you can't make you're "expression" clear, than shut the hell up. the most powerful of works are the most descriptive of works.

Answer 4

This is a really good, well written poem. I would suggest submimtting it to the National Library of Poetry (online). They compile a book at the end of each year of about 200 of the best submitted poems, you can recieve awards and be asked to come to a ceremony in Florida if you get published in the book. I did this last year and it was a wonderful experience! Good Luck!

Answer 5

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not inevitably would desire to rhyme in spite of the undeniable fact that it needs to hit my thoughts. i think of clarity of expression is important besides. i do no longer choose to 2d wager what i'm analyzing approximately. I consistently seek for what I term "poetic gem stones"contained in the textual content textile.

Answer 6

While others send such harsh constructive critizism congrates on a great poem...it takes great talent to post something knowing that not everone will grasp it w/likeness...I thought it was great. I am no writer but I would definitely read more or your writting any day!

Answer 7

Don't emphasize the same feelings more than once. Another words get rid of the second paragraph, it kills the momentum. Don't kill the momentum of the poem; we want it to flow like water.

Answer 8

It sounds like you need a friend. You need to bring some sunshine in your life. Smile a little, laugh a little and love a little.

Good Luck :-)

Answer 9

Sweet! Rad! Wicked!

Answer 10

It sounds terribly sad to me. I want to reach out and give the writer a hug.