Please help me advise my teeage son (Serious answers only)?

Question

I have a son that is 15 and he is a "good" kid he is an honors student and has never had trouble with authorities, the problem is that he is terrified to defend himself in any pyhsical situation. We have been through black eyes, a broken tooth, stitches, a broken collar bone and now the latest thing, he was recently hit in the back of the head with a metal pipe while walking home from school. I have offered to home school my son and he doesn't want to do that (he's affraid he won't get into a good college) I have also offered to pay for karate classes which he has declined also. I have been putting in applications in smaller towns (we live in a big city) with no response yet. I work in the E.R. of a busy hopital and I see young people come in frequently that have tried to committ suicide and my fear is that one day that will be my child. Please give me any advise you think would help him, there must be parents or children out there that know what this like....Thank You!

Alot of people asking, ANSWER-His father was killed in a car wreck when he was five. I never remarried, I put myself through college (prior to this I was a stay at home mom) and have concentrated on raising my son

I am not a nurse, but I am a specialist of sorts woking with transplant/trauma patients, unfortunately there's just not a great demand in smaller towns and hospitals for what I am trained to do.

Answer 1

I once saw a movie where the youth befriended a big, strong streetwise guy who would accompany him on many of his walks around the neighborhood. Pretty soon the bullies got out of the habit of bothering him.
If it was me, I'd find such a big, strong, streetwise friend for my son and pay him to keep an eye on him for me. All's fare in love and war, and when the adversary is using weapons such as pipes to inflict harm, those persons need a little "attitude correction".

Answer 2

Wow, you must live in LA. I would say that if he's afraid of defending himself, perhaps he should learn how to avoid these circumstances entirely. And, though, it's much easier said than done, he could definitely use more friends. A self defencse class is a great idea, you can kill two birds with one stone. He will learn that he is much more powerful than he thinks, and he will be forced into a social situation. Consider jiu-jitsu and judo over karate. These disciplines focus on wrestling and throws and minimize punches and kicks. Since almost all fights end up on the ground it is very good to know how to wrestle and submit an attacker with minimal physical damage done to either party.
Concerning the suicides, tell him about your fears. If these fears you have are based on any actions or comments by your son, have him see a therapist. Not just any therapist but one that he can trust and that your son believes that he can make progress with. Most of all talk to your son about these happenings, in a non-confrontational and somewhat detached way. See if there is anything beneath the surface that may have been leading to these fights that can be changed with behaviour.

Answer 3

A couple of people have mentioned Big Brothers Big Sisters and as a "Big" myself, I can vouch for the organization. I've met lots of the men who are involved and they are sincere, upstanding guys who just want to contribute to the lives of boys like your son. It's something to look into; he might be more inclined to open up more to a male mentor about what's going on.

I think a counselor is a good idea, too. This seems like it's much more serious than your garden-variety bullying and you need to find out why he's being picked on so severely. There may be more to this than he's let on to you so far.

While he's rejected your offer so far, martial arts seem like a good idea. In theory, they teach you not how to fight so much as how not to have to fight. And the boost to his self-esteem could make a world of difference. Even if it didn't stop the violence against him, it might help him get through it without descending into the depression you fear for him.

Even if you aren't getting job offers in smaller towns, is there any chance of moving within your city? You could keep your job and putting him in a different school might break the cycle. For some reason, some bully or group of bullies has chosen to target him. That element is present in every school, but that's not to say that he wouldn't be able to fly below the radar in a different environment.

Answer 4

I understand this problem you have. I have gone thought a lot of these same things and thank God my son has grown into a wonderful young man. Have you checked at his school to see if they have programs that help with this sort of thing? This isn't good him getting beaten down at all, which i know you are aware of this. I think some of the children that you have seen in the ER for suicide may have been where your son has been. After a while your self-esteem is no longer there. Don't give up, keep asking around and keep asking your son if he wants to go to karate classes. I am not sure how far you have gone with things but maybe you could take him to a karate class to watch. Do you have "Big Brother's and Big Sister's" there? They are an organization who help children have someone to pal around with them and take them different places with there is no male involvement around for him. Just do not give up. Ask people at a church if you belong but there is someone out there who can help you just need to keep searching. I wish I could help you more, if you have question don't feel bad about asking. I will do what I can to help you and your son. God Bless.

Answer 5

Oh My GAWD! That IS serious! He really needs to learn to stand up for himself. Are there any adult males in his or your life that you trust to take him under their wing? You don't say you are a single mom, but it kinda sounds like it. Either way, there is the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization. They are really good and I would encourage you to contact them. At the age of 15 he really does need male leadership even if he may not want to admit it. It would help him tremendously! Kids today face so many more pressures than we did when we were kids, and a number of them do try to "opt" out because they don't see any "end in sight" and they don't think things will ever get better. Having an older wiser "buddy" can make a world of difference.

Just so you'll know, I am the parent of a now 24 year old son, and while he was never in that particular situation, I can certainly imagine how you feel. I'm not answering this for the stuipd 2 points either. I sincerely want to help you, and I hope this does. My prayers are with you and your son.

Answer 6

Well yes I do agree that you need to do something, and soon. I don't know if he will be the kind of kid to try suicide, but I'd be more scared that one of these times (whoever is doing these things to him) he's going to get seriously hurt. I understand he doesn't want you to home school him, and I understand that he doesn't want Karate classes, but you have to take action. You work in the ER and you've probably saw some really serious situations come in, and I'm sure you don't want that to be your son. You can't always let your kid tell you he wants or doesn't want something. I say you move him to a different (maybe even private) school. He doesn't deserve this, and I'd just want my kid to be safe. I understand that your trying to move to a smaller city, but you need to take action now. Maybe you can get him to talk with a psychologist or counselor to find out why he doesn't fight back, or what he really wants!
You need to do whatever it takes before its too late!

Answer 7

Good Christ, what kind of neighborhood do you live in?

Anyway, I think you should tell him to reconsider the karate offer. Don't force him, but do strongly urge him; tell him that you are deeply worried about his safety and that you would feel guilty if something truly serious happened to him. If nothing else, it will give him confidence, because that's mostly what he needs. People like these bullies choose people and situations that can easily be taken advantage of. Unfortunately, your son is among the latter. Confidence in himself will go a long way...even if he ends up still getting beat up after karate lessons, he'll at least make the perps think twice before going after him again if he puts up a good fight. These kind of people (the bullies) are lazy. Your son should make it more challenging for them. Also, karate might make him more aware of his surroundings, so that he can see possibly dangerous situations coming sooner and learn to avoid them altogether.

Hope this helped! Good luck!

Answer 8

I understand your concern. Bullying is a tough issue and can have tragic consequences if not handled properly - but In this situation there is hard evidence of physical abuse.

That has to stop immediately. Your son must fear for his life! Who are his friends? Doesn't anyone stand up for him?

Have you contacted the school? Do they have an anti-bullying program? I would contact them without delay and demand that they take action. I'm sure your son is afraid of that but - how much worse could his situation get?

Anti-bullying Programs teach kids that standing around and watching while someone else gets bullied is as bad as being a bully. It's everyone's responsibity to speak up and tell the bully to back off. If the school doesn't have a program - get one started.

Your son needs to know that this isn't his fault. Get him counselling to help him cope and if the bullying doesn't stop - get the police involved.

Check out Dr. Phil's website (drphil.com) for information about an anti-bullying program and talk to your son.

Answer 9

First you need to have a chat with the principle of the school, if the attacker goes to the school they can be suspended. Make a police report if you know who does the damage to your son put an restrain order against them.
Talk to your son make him know you love him. Since your the Mom/Dad i know it may be hard for you, but make the time. For the children are the blessing.
Also talk him into taking that Karate class, let him know it's just an after school activity.

Answer 10

Well i am 15 /male almost 16 and well this is a very interesting question. I went through this up until 6th grade. If you can convince him to learn a self-defense technique that would be great. You can ask him why he refuses to learn self-defense. It may be some peer pressure problem that is makeing him not want to take karate, I know i had that when i took it so i would suggest talking to him about it again. If you talk to him i dont think that you will have to worry about him going into the ER. good luck

Answer 11

I know what its like to be the brunt of the bullies in school. We moved frequently and i never had friends, and was always picked on and beat up. Its hell. I really feel bad for your son.

Here is what got me through those situations...

Youth group
Finding atleast ONE teacher who sympathised with me
Homeschooling

I finished school at 16 because i worked my butt off to get away from it. It was hell.

I dont know what state you live in, but try checking into charter schools, or open enrollment. A lot of states offer a student to transfer to any school within the state, regardless of where they live, and there is no tuiton.

Another option if you can afford it is a private school... although some of my worst experiences were at one, it might be easier for him to survive if there are less students.

You need to reassure your son that this will pass. Tell him from someone who knows, when those caps and gowns come off EVERYTHING changes. The bullies become nothing, and the poor kids who are picked on not only suvive but have better lives. Its hard to see it at this point, but going through this will help him become a stronger person. i was so unpopular at school i had to sit alone at my own table for lunch, and everyone threw stuff at me. But now Iam married to an excellent man, Iam not only the most productive and popular among the people who used to make my life hell, but iam expecting my first child. Everything does work out in the end, i promise. He's going to be glad when its over though!

Another option! please know, that when you home school your school district MUST allow you to come in for standardized testing, whether its regance exams, sats, presats, or just end of the year finals. These stay with your school record and can be shown to any college.

Four of my homeschool buddies went to yale, others to cornell. Its always a viable option. So is hiring a tutor, its like a private teacher who comes and makes sure youre educated up to par.

Tell him good luck for me. He'll survive.