My ex-husband has a girlfriend, how do I go on?

Question

As some of you might know from my ongoing saga here at YA, my husband of 20 years told me he wanted a divorce six months ago. Then two weeks ago he said he was considering coming back to me. Then he said he wouldn't. And now he tells me he has a girlfriend. He has already told our 12 year old son about it. I think he must have known her before he told me it was over, but I'm not sure. What is going on in his head? It doesn't seem like he has a head at the moment, he is acting very uncharactaristically. My sister think it's the male midlife crisis (he is 43) and her ex acted like that when he was that age (they divorced as well). I tend to agree with her. How do I get over this? I definitely don't want to meet her and I'd prefer not to hear about her...it hurts too much. Any suggestions as to how deal with this?

Answer 1

sounds like a midlife crisis to me too. i've seen every man that age go through it. you sound like you have a wonderful and very perceptive sister

you have absolutely no need to meet the new girl..and i congratulate you for being in tune enough with your feelings [and honest with yourself] to identify that you definetly dont want to meet her. don't meet her..

and you were married for 20 years. 20 years!! your exhusband should know you well enough not to talk about her around you. but men sometimes need the most obvious things pointed out to them, and you probably need to lay down the law. he probably still feels most comfortable around you, so he thinks it's ok to come to you with his latest news. lay it down for him-he certainly put you in the position to say whatever you want.

i know sometimes it seems very obvious what we feel, and we expect the people we are closest to to pick up on our hints and body languages...but sometimes, we just need to say it. 'i am hurting. i am in pain. you are hurting me. please stop. let's not repeat this again. i have needs too and this is not one of them. don't subject my child to this.' all are things you can say..and more.

best of luck..big hug to you from all of YA

Answer 2

If he's your EX-husband...what's the problem?
Ex means Ex.
You are spending way too much time trying to fix something that is not fixable.
How long are you going to allow him to take up free rental space in your head?
Let him go.
He asked for the divorce. He got it. Move on. I know it sounds easy, but come on girl, you have got to start somewhere.
Concentrate on your 12 year old son. He might be a little more hurt about it than you.

Answer 3

I have been there. My husband left to another coutry and cleaned out our bank accounts I had to start from absolute scratch. First see your doctor you may need antideppressants to get through (no shame in it) See a counsellor for yourself. 20 years is a long time to love someone you will need help getting over this. Call on your family and friends they will be there for you. You are not alone remember that..and just because he doesn't want/love you doesn't mean nobody else will...get dolled up do something nice for yourself. Also be honest with your son you will be surprised how many times that little boy (man's) smile will get you through! As for meeting her why? Don't have anything to do with her...she is not your problem...you have a tough time ahead of you don't focus on her focus on you! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!

Answer 4

Let time do the healing for you. There is no way to speed up the healing process. You can go out and get wild but that will just make you feel worse because you want him back and you might feel a bit of guilt. This will leave you with a cocktail of bad emotions. Just let nature take care of it and when you are ready to move on you'll know. That's when you can get wild.

Answer 5

Hon, You just do... My husband of 14 yrs had an affair but he came back
Now it seems as if yours is trying to play games with you... YOU can't let him
You have to pull up your boot straps and go on to show your ex that You are strong with him or without him
Then he will see what is has done is the most dumbest thing he has ever done... For You and Your Son God Bless

Answer 6

Ok, check this out. He's your EX! Face that. Then....go on a little diet, join the gym, get sexy and in shape. Change your style of clothes for some sexy ones. Then show him what you've become. You do this and you will get a guy who will treat you like you need to be treated and your son too. Then you'll leave him in the dirt and he'll be the one sitting around saying "oh how do I go on.........boo hooo hooo waaa aaaa aaaa".

Answer 7

I seem to be going through the same thing(uncharacteristic, midlife stuff) with my guy although we aren't married. It's really a tough situation and since I don't have the answer, I just thought at least you could know you weren't the only one going through this.

Answer 8

Move on with your life and seek counseling and help for this. Be slow and heal and then start to date again someday your self. Don't let him or this girl get you down. Life is too short for that. Someday you will get past the hurt just give it some time!

Answer 9

I am divorced, he married a (girl) last Nov. more than 20 years younger! The sick part is she was OUR daughters age when he started sleepin with her!!!! she is 20 our girl is 14!!! he is 41+ almost 42! You are way to Beautiful for all that bs!!!! But I know it DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE!!!!
Where do you live? im me ... I would love to help!! I KNOW!!!!

Answer 10

20 years is a long time. It is just going to take time. Lots of it. But you have to stay busy and dont be to uninterested in the opposite sex, there are still a few good ones out there.