When is a white lie acceptable - if at all - in a relationship?

Question

I am dating a woman who was never married: she has a 6-year old child. I am married but in the process of ending my marriage/ relationship after 18-years. I have two kids. She and I enjoy our time together and I care for her but I don't feel as strongly toward her as she does toward me. I want to date other women but I don't want to end our relationsip. So far I haven't dated anyone else. I feel I should tell her that I want to do this because I don't want to lie to her. But at the same time, since she has never been married and I sense she would like to marry soon, I am afraid that I would lose here if I told her I am thinking of seeing other people casually. On one hand I feel that I would want someone to be honest with me if the situation were reversed. But the situation isn't reversed so I am being selfish. Should there be a white lie or a lie here?

Answer 1

You can't expect to have your cake and eat it to. The reason you feel tempted to lie is because you're not sure what you want, so you're trying to both keep her and cheat on her in order to indulge both your sexual desire for others and your need for security. You know in your heart that that's not really fair to her. You must decide which is more important to you: the freedom to explore the dating scene or commitment to a long-term relationship with someone you earnestly care about. Both are equally valid choices, but you can't expect someone to commit to you if you can't commit to them. So you have to choose.

I would recommend talking to a therapist about this if possible. Why do you feel like moving beyond this relationship at this time? Is it simply a matter of fading physical attraction? If so, perhaps you could honestly (but tactfully) express a concern about that and suggest a mutual diet and exercize program that you two could engage in together. Is it a matter of things having grown stagnant? Maybe you both need some time to yourselves to develop separate interests while simultaneously pursuing a few new mutual interests together as well.

Sometimes it's as simple as spicing things up a little. A couple's massage and a weekend retreat alone could give you two time to be intimate without the stress of daily life killing the mood. Try to remember what made you attracted to her in the first place. What interests do you share together? How could you rekindle that curiosity and desire again?

In the meantime, a little white lie about some of your doubts wouldn't hurt. In other words, don't tell the woman that you've been drooling over other women. But you should be honest about feelings you're having within the relationship, such as a need for more variety and a lack of sexual desire on your part (if that's the case). As long as you approach the issue with optimism and empathy, there are ways to be honest about your feelings without hurting her unnecessarily. If, however, you decide that you really need something else, then perhaps you should suggest a temporarily separation. But give the other method a try first.

Of course, there are some women who have no problem with open relationships and might let you date around on the side if you were honest about it, but I suspect that this woman probably isn't like that. Most likely she will perceive your "dating around" as cheating.

Answer 2

There should be honesty...Your'e already about to go through a divorce if you found someone you don't want to lose than lying in the begining would eventually one day make it end like your present marriage has ended... Honesty is the best policy... eventhough it may hurt her, it would hurt her more by being with her and than cheating on her w/ other women... If you want to explore than don't be selfish and don't try to hold her back, let her move on... Or are you afraid she would move on to someone better and than when you see that there's nothing out there for you or what you think your'e missing, you would have lost her to someone else....?