(Repost): Need help/advice about confusion and misunderstanding... between myself and my male best friend ?

Question

I'm resposting this because this how much this problem is bothering me,need advice about. It's going to be asked in parts,so please bare with me.

I have been friends with Brendan for a few years right now. I taught him the game of Yu-Gi-Oh!,I gave him a few cards, he gave me a few Magic The Gathering cards. We hit it off from there. He has been good,listener,he'd take me to the game shops in town when I was unable to get a lift, we’d hang out doing friends stuff, talk. Before this past Wednesday night and a month ago, it was well before Christmas holiday last year. Brendan would talk to me online, call me on the phone, hang out a Rocky’s.Pizzaria After Christmas for no reason (well before all this),all that stopped. Around the week of Christmas '05,he was talking to me about his conserns,fears in life and about possibility moving away. I talked to him about my fears,consernes,hoped he wouldn't move away.

2wks later, I felt strange inside (can't say into words well),but I guess. The reason why I reacted the way I did when he said that was maybe I was starting to have feelings for him (but I couldn't let him know that, or try to repress that feeling as much as I can). Months went by, Brendan started to change by not e-mailing,IMing,coming by as much anymore but able to with other friends. I felt hurt,confused,rejected and afraid.

During that time I was unable to speak, be around and look Brendan in the eyes without crying so much at times. Often I wonder why he can't he okay with me again (like he is with other people that I know and have seen him do). A month ago, it took everything I had to speak to him alone behind the game shop. He said he promised he wouldn't leave,etc...I nuzzled him on the cheek and hugged him tightly, he me back. Neither one of us said a thing to stop the other from doing that. I felt myself drawing close to him, then I realized that I almost kissed him. He said something, I broke down due to his reaction and my reaction.

Brendan started to distance himself from me more (no communication with me but I'd see him be fine and able to with other friends I knew). Those kind of actions hurt me deeply to the point I wanted to kill myself. 2wks ago I asked him some questions, he answered me back but I couldn't bring myself to read his e-mail, not sure why. Tuesday he came up to me congratulated me, by shaking hands with me, when he came by and did that I cried, then he started to hold my hand, his thumb gently caressing my hand gently you know to say like "It's okay, I’m here and I'm sorry...." I felt a bit better, figured maybe Wednesday (last Wednesday) would be the best time to speak to him on what's been happening between us both.

I went to the game shop, he was there greeted me with a smile and I did him. We both played leisurely with our decks and bouncing around ideas to improve each others decks. After about two hours of talking, playing we took a break. Around 9:00pm I asked Brendan if he could take me back at my boyfriend Bryan's work at Rocky Rococo’s Pizzeria. He said he would, I figured since we we're alone in the car this would be a good time as any to talk. I started to say the reason why we both weren't speaking to each other, was maybe because we we're both afraid.

I am not sure what to think about Brendan and his thoughts. All I know is that before Christmas, he and I would be friends (hanging out, doing friends stuff… like Brendan does he other friends like Mohammad (that I’ve heard so many times) and that I know he does Kyle and our other friend Paul Johnson Jr. (when they both go to Taco Bell after the tournament on Tuesday’s, I thought and still do they are lucky they still get to get that from him….I miss that).

I told Brendan Wednesday night after I’ve broken down after what I said (what I didn’t want to tell him due to fear) and that I was going to tell Bryan about what happened. I guess….Brendan talked with Bryan again behind my back, why I don’t know or understand ? All…I know that before all this I was losing another valued friend…no…my close best friend. That’s all I want is for Brendan to be my close friend (not implying romantically or sexually). I didn’t feel feelings towards Brendan for a long time, until about 2wks after Christmas, when he was talking to me about possibility moving away, leaving, maybe then is when my feelings started to delevelop.

Since then I've been trying to keep them hidden, not show able. I still don’t understand why I do feel the way I do, I’ve tired and still do to suppress that. I don’t understand why I told Brendan that last night, all I wanted to do was to mend things by talking and be the way it was before Christmas (well before what happened yesterday and a month ago(that I told my boyfriend and my therapist Dr. Black about).

Yes I do have feelings for Brendan, but I don’t want him as lover or be in a big "R" relationship. What I want with Brendan and many of my friends is long lasting, bonding friendships. Be able to speak to my friend with no fear, do friends stuff like going to places, helping out with anything, hanging out at each other’s houses (like he let’s Kyle Jahnke (another friend of me/Bryan and friend’s with Brendan as well). I just want things the way it was before Christmas.

I guess the maybe the reason why for distance on both our parts and what I said last night was due to fear, jealously that I was losing Brendan as a friend. Seeing how he acts towards other friends around me better. Like letting Kyle hang out at his place, picking him up to Misty and Pegasus Games on Tuesday’s/Sunday’s. Hanging out with Paul Johnson Jr. at Taco Bell to eat food. I miss that greatly from him, I figured that I’d be honest by telling him why I was acting the way I’ve been, towards his behaviors for a while. I didn’t want anything sexual or romantic from him by saying my feelings. Just for him to understand me better and not leave (be being distant anymore). He figured out that I did have feelings for him (even through I was/still afraid to tell or express them) and misunderstood me.

I guess...I did a lousy job of that huh ? :( Why did I have to say it ? Why couldn't I keep it inside, like I've always done. You think maybe because I told, because I was honestly afraid that I'd lose him and for me that was a way of being honest and him around, to be like he was before ?

What I wrote to myself this past Wednesday night:

Why am I cold again ?

Why did I have to be so stupid tonight by talking to Brendan about what’s been happening for the past month, what happened a month ago, why did it happen, mainly say that I have feelings ?!

Things we’re going fine and I just have to **** it up by saying that?!

Now he is mad at me for saying, thinking and feeling that. I don’t blame him for being that way towards me, I am so ****ing angry at myself if I could I’d take my own life with my own hands!!! Brendan said he wouldn’t stop speaking to me forever, asked if I really thought that. All I know is that he is going to do again what he has done to me this month (no eye contact, no communication, etc….being okay around others but not me anymore),all I know it was like death it’s self when he would treat me like that.

I have to tell Bryan what I said, because I don’t want him to be angry with me too. I trust Brendan in the same way I do Bryan but why ?! I’m saying that I don’t want Brendan as an additional lover. But I would like to have Brendan in my life as close that I can trust, not be afraid of hurting me. But I ****ed that up now and maybe for good. Maybe I should just save Bryan, Brendan the trouble with dealing with a person like me who f***** everything up. By just ending it tonight with my own death.

Note that I wrote to my b/f that night.

Bryan -

Tonight on the way back to Rocky’s, I thought by maybe talking to Brendan about what and why things are the way they’ve been. I was nervous and afraid during the whole talk. During it since I was being honest with my concerns, I did something that I know I should have said or felt at all. I told Brendan that I had feelings for him and why. I said that basically I trusted him in the same way I trusted you.

Honestly I don’t know why I said that to Brendan, feel the way I do ? Why ? Maybe it’s in the same way I did you there (not because of the problems between you and I ,etc…).

I know, I promised you that I’d stay alive but I hurt a friend again. I don’t want either you or him to be hurt anymore with my presence. I am sorry…..I have to end my own life. :(

Your kitten,
Tashie
==============================================================
I didn't sleep well at all (didn't get any sleep at all),cried most of the night and morning. I went to my therapist appointment today to talk about what happened, I doubt my therapist Dr. Black understood how I felt and what is happening. I've been trying to think positive and listen to good music like another friend that I know, suggested to me last night to do. While at the same time trying to keep warm (due to pain, hurt of Brendan's and my own reactions) I've been cold since and not to listen to my saddness/sworrow CD music.

:doesn't understand myself, own reactions, Brendan’s reactions.:: It hurt this past month the silent treatment,etc... from what I was doing because he was doing it towards me. I am trying. I’m trying to be strong but failing... I guess...I couldn't help but to have feelings,: smiles a little bit, with some tears.:: he does have a large heart...maybe that's why I was so upset of his distance (before last night and a month ago),because I thought/feel he doesn't have room in there anymore.

I am trying to keep awake,possitive but I am slipping here. I feel my thoughts getting negative, wanting to listen to sad music.

More details about myself and this friend, in order to understand things and help with an answer: I have BPD.depression. Brendan is today 20 and I am 28 (8yr difference). Yeah I like him but not romanically,sexually but as a close best friend. You think 28 is young or too old? I figured that he wouldn't feel the same way that I said Wednesday night, but at the same time I don't understand why a month ago neither he or I stopped ourselves and especially last night when we held hands for a long time. I think I might be moving too fast for myself ::is a bit nervous and embarrassed.::

All I know is that both he and I are going to do our survival instincts of being distant, quiet towards one another.

What do I do next? Besides letting, time heal wounds between myself and my male best friend.?

Wednesday, Thursday night I'm unable to sleep due to what happened between myself and my best friend Brendan. Perhaps I should let take things slow, time take it's course with this situation or in other words rest about this situation for now. But am afraid of his actions/reactions towards me (silent treatment, lack of communication (on either the phone,e-mail,IM,etc...)and I feel he has his understood me, when I told him my feelings, why did I have them that I'm going to lose him as a valued friend. I'm going to be constantly reminded he'll be different towards me, while with other friends he'll be talkative,normal,etc...

It hurt inside (cryed,didn't sleep or eat well at all, at times almost killed myself (he doesn't know that I tried to do this))this past month when that kind of reaction/behavior/actions towards me. Brendan is angry, is going to do the distance, lack of communication (not speaking tome in RL/not answering my e-mails,IM’s). Being normal, okay around everyone else that I know (able to speak to them,laughing,joking around, hanging out,etc…)

That it hurts more any illness, physical injury that I could do to myself. It feels like I am dying inside and right now I just want to complete that feeling for the sake of my b/f and my best friend Brendan.

My b/f said that he didn’t want me to die and that would hurt him, my family a lot. I know for Brendan it would be better that I disappeared, so I wouldn’t bother him with my presence at the game shops (like he said last night: "I started playing the card game Yugioh for the fun, now it’s a soap opera…")

This does hurt deeply to the point I don't want to live, because of the pain,suffering,etc...that I know he'll do (for the same reasons I will be distant, for protection). No...this pain,suffering..isn't for my own good. ::crying more:: I don't want to find another best friend, I want Brendan as my best friend like he's been for me (that I see him hang out, do friend stuff,etc...like friends are suppose to do). I am trying to have faith but it's slipping and I'm worried, scared more.

Answer 1

I would say your best approach would be to just spill beans..See what happens.

Answer 2

You are not able to lose what you not ever possessed. Seemingly near friendships are high-quality in younger persons play however adults will mostly use fake friendship to dissatisfied others as their institution sails to the highest of the social ladder. We generally tend to broaden robust emotions for standards that our mind has followed as precise and perpetually. True and perpetually aren't fact and expectancies have got to be trashed and new ones used. If you are not able to revise your mind it'll kick you again and make you critically unwell. The mind may be very strong. Be fine to yours.

Answer 3

Hmmm.... How do I put this delicately...?

Maybe Brendan thinks you're kind of psycho. I mean, how many times have you cried about this guy in the past month & he's not even your boyfriend. (Wtf?) Maybe the fact that you almost kissed him let him know he didn't want to hang out with you because he knew you had a boyfriend and he didn't want to be scandalous.... I dont know...

Personally, I wouldn't advise getting so worked up over a person you aren't even romantically involved with.

Answer 4

Girlfriend if your sending (MIXED ) signals what do you expect him to do?>

if you like the lad let him know. if not then again BE HONEST

Sheesh woman make relationships so difficult. you expect us to read body language and respect what you say.
if your playing with your hair. licking your lips all figity and brushing up against him and touching him your unconsiously saying ( DUDE YOUR HOT AND I LIKE YOU!!!!) but if you say well I'ts nice you talk but I think we need some space cause we moving to fast. Guess what he will respect you and give you space.

like i said it's your life enjoy .