How do I deal with infidelity?

Question

My partner of 11 years just confessed he had sex with a prostitute last wednesday. As if that wasn't enough, he acknowledged he has been addicted to internet porn and masturbated several times a day. I am devastated, we had the best relationship, we are great friends, we really love each other, he has promised he is going to go to therapy and a 12 step program (he attended a meeting last sunday). I understand he is in pain, I know it's a sickness and I want to support him, but what do I do with my feelings of pain and humiliation and betrayal, how do I become a better person and put my feelings aside? Right now I am devastated I wish I could die.

Answer 1

well, first of all, you don't put your feelings aside. You own them and you realize that they are perfectly normal for someone who has been greatly betrayed. This is not your problem, it's your partner's. It's fine for you to be supportive but if you are TOO supportive, TRUST ME when I tell you that you will end up resentful because you are and will be resentful, even if you don't realize it now. So ignoring your feelings will make it worse. The best thing for you is to go with him so that you can understand what he is learning. If he wants to fix this problem, he needs to include you because it is betrayal which involves you. You have a right to be part of the healing process and that means going to counseling together. This is of course a more serious problem because it is an addiction. Those are deep rooted and take a lot of work to cure. It's not impossible but it takes SERIOUS work that most people are not cut out for unless they can devote some serious energy, time and willingness into it.

Secondly, your last sentence is just desparation and feeling out of control. You will be okay and you will learn some great discernment from this. You will learn to set clear boundaries for yourself and your relationship(s) but it will take work and time on your part. Don't cast your feelings aside or you will experience no healing. Being supportive simply means that you understand that he has a problem and you hold him accountable for taking care of it. It does NOT mean that you forget it, cater to him and let him be. He has a responsibility to you, himself and the god awful industry full of dysfunctional and abused people that he is supporting-and that is to stop supporting it.

So just take some deep breaths and understand that you have nothing to do with this and that these are some deep rooted hang ups that he has for whatever reason. A lot of times, men who are shy have a problem with porn and prostitutes or masseusses. It's a way for them to get that ego stroked without having to handle rejection.

I would do yourself a favor and go see a counselor just to give you some good coping skills for the immediate days to come.

Be supportive by being involved, not by accepting and casting your feelings aside. By doing that, you become an enabler.

Be well and stay strong and focussed. Set boundaries,

Answer 2

I do not believe "persons" get stunned over so much at the present time. When we for my part recognize of anybody who has cheated then possibly we're stunned through their betrayal. Everybody is NOT doing it. It is a giant deal seeing that it's residing a giant lie among a pair. The predicament with infidelity/dishonest is that you just now not best harm the opposite celebration however ALL the ones surrounding your global. The youngsters-if any- get careworn and the multiplied loved ones is deeply dissatisfied. Let's now not overlook the horrendous rate/ fee connected to dishonest. Cheating comes with a fee.....Possible lack of a courting, cash, and integrity. You have the whole lot to lose whilst you're a cheater. Even the "different lady/guy" that you just declare you like will get harm however extra unlucky is the partner who stays caught with you after the "different" will get performed with you. So sure, this can be a giant deal and it sucks for the individual being cheated on. Do your self and your partner a desire and quit dishonest or conveniently break up.

Answer 3

Why would you want to die? I know it hurts but you didn't do anything except for love this man. I am the kind of person that could never forgive betrayal. A prostitute? Are you serious? That is scary, I wouldn't ever let him touch me again. I would also question if this was the only time this had happened. I know I sound harsh but you have invested 11 years of your life to your relationship. It is not you, it is him. Move on, you deserve better.

Answer 4

I am so sorry that you both are having to go through this. Congrats for him making a step to do something about it. And congrats to you for reaching out for help and understanding. Perhaps you can pray together for direction. Do not let the day past tomorrow before finding a pastor or doctor to talk to. It's gonna be a long hard road but if you love someone you find the strength to do it. See if you can find a book called "Boundaries". I think the author is a Dr. McCloud. It changed my life and I hope it will help you too. God bless you and good luck.

Answer 5

Personally, I would be out of there. He knows that you now know of his 'problem' and is getting help..that's great..but if there arent consequences to his actions, he probably won't change in the long run. Not to mention the std's out there that are SO easy to contract (condom or not) and there he is having sex with someone that does it for a living with no discretion. He cheated on you and didn't think twice about it...yet you want to support him with his problem. I'm sure you are devastated, but why keep riding on that rollercoaster?

Answer 6

I am sorry, With things that have happened in my life,I have learned that time heals all things. It is your decision if you should leave or not. With that much hurt, especially at one time. I would suggest a therapist. The only thing that I can say for him is that it must of took a lot of courage to tell you something like that.Maybe there is some LOVE left there. Good Luck

Answer 7

First and foremost, quit blaming yourself for your feelings. It is natural to feel betrayed and hurt. Your husband has a weakness, we all have them. Unfortunately, if uncontrolled it will just cause heartache. He has an addiction to sex. Addictions ussually come into someone's life because they have an emptiness somewhere within them that they are trying to fill. I know, I've been there My was filled with Christ. and I would be lying if I said it wasn't an everyday battle. I feel deeply for you and your hudband's pain. I wish you both the best and God bless.

Answer 8

Go see a therapist! A good therapist will help you deal with what you are feeling. It's a positive step that he's going to meetings. He's taking care of himself, now...you take care of YOU. It's going to be O.K....and so are you. Feel all the emotions you want to feel because your entitled to feel them all. You will be o.k. and your marriage may come out stronger in the end. I wish you luck and I'll say a prayer for you!

Answer 9

I guess rite nw, he need ur strong support, treat him as ur frenz for the moment, leave d anger away.. Till cured, u can leave him if u still cant accept d past he done to u.. There is always temptation out there waiting for him. And he will fall in if he not strong enug, Are u gg to forgive him everytime he confessed?? U gg be on hard on urself.

Answer 10

first of all i'm sorry you're in this postion, but leave now. it will save you a lot of heartache later. i'm sorry to say that your partner is a very sick man. but if you stay, be prepared to deal with his problem day in and day out for the rest of your life. and the therapy probably won't even work. not to mention, that if he slept with a prostitute he really needs to go get tested for std's.