what are some really funny jokes?

Answer 1

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 2

The Hitman

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.

As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.

The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."

About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.

So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.

They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.

Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"

The hitman replies, "Sure."

So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"

This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit.

The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

Jack responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.

He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?

The hitman replies, "Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

Answer 3

Why did the blonde climb onto the roof?

Becasue she was told the drinks were on the house!

Three men had come up to the pearly gates and St Peter asked them all before they were allowed into heaven, to show him three signs of christmas.

The first bloke approaches and shows St Peter a Bow and explains that it is the gift of giving, so St Peter allows him to pass through.

The second bloke appears and shows st Peter a Bauble, and tells him the bauble reprsents bright future for the following year, St Peter lets him through.

The Third bloke approaches St Pete and pulls out a bra, St Peter ask what the meaning is and he says "it's carols!"

Answer 4

these are old - the year of the Monkey is over, however, I still laugh when I read these:

The new year, year of the Monkey, began January 22, 2004 and ran to February 8, 2005. Here are some error messages seen on computer screens in Japan. Some are written in Haiku.

Aren't these better than, "Your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT has crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
------------------------------------------------
Having been erased, the document you are seeking must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
--------------------------------------------
Screen. Mind. Both are blank

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Xin Nian Kuai Le!"
"Kung Xin Fah Tsai!"
Happy Chinese New Year - the Year of the Monkey

Answer 5

Heres one:

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

Answer 6

here is first one:
A little boy walks into his pre school class and he asks the teacher is he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says, " I will let you go if you recite your ABC`s"
The boy says"ok" and he begans. "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXY and Z"
The teacher asks him," What happened to the P?"
The little boy replies"It's Running down my pants!"


some other joke:
Godzilla, King Kong, and a smart blonde are all on the Empire State Building. Who jumps first?
None. Because none of them exist!


ok i guess the last one for now:
A blonde, brunette and a red head are walking.
Brunette: I think we're lost.
Red Head: Yeah.
Blonde: Look! An old house!
The girls go inside.
Red Head: Look, a bottle!
Brunette: Let's open it!
The Blonde opens the bottle. A genie appears.
Genie: You each get one wish.
Brunette: I wish I was home. (SHE'S TAKEN HOME)
Red Head: I wish I was home. (SHE IS TAKEN HOME)
Blonde: I wish my friends were here with me.

Answer 7

Question: How does the vampire like to travel?
Answer: Through blood vessels.

Question: How can you tell if a vampire likes you?
Answer: If he takes a second bite.

Question: Why don't oysters give to charity?
Answer: Because they're shellfish

Question: What is the vampires favorite vehicle?
Answer: The blood mobile

Answer 8

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What exactly did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around'"!

Answer 9

there was this little boy named johnny who talked with a lisp-he had 3 brothers.ne way Johnny's brothers always went huntin leavin poor little johnny cryin- oooh oooh pwease wet me come with you huntin bruder!!! well the middle brother felt sorry for the little guy and said ok you get up early tomorrow johnny and you can come huntin with us. oh tank you bruder-oh tank you i'll be up bwite n early tomorrow. the next morning johnny was so happy as he walked through the forest with his brothers. worried that johnny may scare the game away johnny's older brother asked him to sit under a tree. Now look johnny don't you say a word unless your in trouble his brother said. otay i wont say one word. well it must have been 30 minutes later and sure enough johnny is screamin- woooh-wooh-wooh his brothers run to his aide. once his brothers get there -johnny still has tears in his eyes but does not appear to be harmed. Look johnny why did you call us up here? boy -didnt we tell you only if youre in trouble? Johnny said ," look here you 3 son of a byatches i didnt say nothin when dat snake wapped round my leg-I didnt say nothin when that bob cat bow up at me-but I had to say somethin when that squirrel grab me by my nuts so hard!!

Answer 10

this one is called the Little Black Riding Hood


Little black riding hood wasgonna visit her grandma one day deep in the forest. her friends pleaded with her not to go as they had heard that the Bad wolf was on the run. Little black riding hood insisted to go on her visit and said to her friends before she left ' i'm not afraid of that bad wolf'.

as little balck riding hood bounced through the forest, out jumped the wolf from nowhere ' i am the Big Bad wolf, ur gonna regret ever coming through this forest.

without hesitation and any resistance little black riding hood lay on her back took down her panties and said' ok now ur gonna eat me like the book says'