how to move on pls help...?

Question

I have loved a girl for six years, who has never loved me. I helped her financially for years and even moved to Europe for her but it ended when she got a job. We neved had relationship, she was raped and has many problems..we never even ended with conversation just one day she hung up on me and that has continued. I have been suffering everyday now for six years and the only thing that has changed is the that I have ripped the souls out of everyone that loves me. I think of her constantly, she used and hurt me so still I cant stop loving her…how can I get over this? I got married a year ago to someone that loved me so much and I hurt her so bad for three years..I was getting better and woke up two months ago to feel healed and love for my wife..but the irony is she began an affair and now that foundation of trust and loyality that healed me is gone..mywife and I want to try again but I cant continue to hurt her anymore..i want to be free..any advice on how..SIX YEARS -help pls?

I spent several years after, travleling the world with 86 girlfriends..looking for love again. I was retired, now I work again to take my mind off everything also..and yes I was always honest with each and every single one..each girl that loved knew of my situation. I am 35, my wife is just 22..I neglected her months and was in europe for the past two while she was all alone and she cracked..one bad friend of hers adviced her on this affair..my wife has told me she is shamed and wasnt herself..in fact she still is numb everywhere...she moved from poland to be with me..and has plans to study here in us..we have worked on this for three years while she was devoted to me..she ened the affair when I came back and confessed she was reaching out for affection, love and strength as I made her feel like I didnt want her, she didnt feel pretty, she blamed herself for the way I was..she tells me she wants to try again but doesnt know if its possible to love me again..I was her first love.

Also, I dont want to get back with my first love..I want to be free..of course I know better..I just want to be free of this feeling (I know what I want out of life) (and neither is replacable) (the first is artist/like me and we spent years creating art etc...) (the second is not artist but smart, funny, sweet, caring girl) (We have so much in common yet so much not and she is always opening up things in my life for me, I have never got along with anyone better than my wife..trust me she is very beautiful in every way (although I used to not see it so much)..We both dont know if we can forgive and move on..but we feel we will regret it forever if we dont try at least one more time..so really the question is HOW TO DO THIS RIGHT THIS TIME...and for me its getting over completely my first love..and also building the trust again between my wife...(her affair last for 6six weeks, very sexual)She has cried so much, I cant and wont do this another person...life is too short for us all

Answer 1

Wow - this is SUPER complicated.

First, get REALLY clear about what you want. Either you want to try to pursue the first girl all over the world or you want to reconcile with your wife. Choose and choose now. (I think the age difference might be affecting your marriage, though)

Second, when you decide what you want, put a time limit on it. If you want the first girl, then say, I'm going to chase her for 2 more years and if she doesn't come back, then I will let her go and move on. If you want to get back with your wife, then you need to get over the first girl (write letters that you won't send, burn things, kick boxes, do what you have to do to get over it) and say that you and your wife will spend 2 years working on your relationship - and if you can't get it together, then you can both move on.

Third, you have issues. You need to see a counselor that will listen to you and help you figure all this c.r.a.p. out. Regardless of your wife's issues or the first girl's issues, YOU are the one who is miserable and desperate after 6 years!!!!! That's a long time to carry that kind of burden around.

Lastly, it sounds like you have time and money. You should dedicate yourself to a worthy cause of some sort to help take your mind off things and to help you get clear about what's important in this life. Everything needs to have a limit and you've gone on far too long with this whole ordeal.

Good luck and I really hope that you find some healing.

Answer 2

You really should not be trying to have relationships with others while you are still messed up over the first one. I feel for you, but you have seen first hand what it did to your wife and now she must live with guilt because she was unfaithful to you, even when it was not her fault. No more intimate relationships till you can resolve the one you can not get over. Six years is a long time to still be feeling for someone who is no longer in your life. Could you be placing other unresolved issues onto this person? You might benefit from some counseling in all sincerity... Best Wishes!!

Answer 3

Affairs are not healthy obviously, but neither is leaving your wife for months at a time...neglect of your marriage will end it...if you really want to work it out then understand that you seem to be having an emotional affair with a dream and she had a physical one...you both screwed up...if you can't forgive and be forgiven then move on...if you can then it must be given with all of your heart and mind...you can't just want to forgive you must actually do it...which means never throwing it in her face or using it to hurt her.

Answer 4

Your problem is really very simple. All you have to do is keep your promises regardless of your feelings.

When you got married, you promised to be faithful to your wife and she to you for the rest of your lives. Now both of you must keep these promises.

Just because you feel angry at some one, you don't go out and kill him. Just because you want to have lots of money, you don't go out and rob a bank. And it's the same with your sexual feelings. You don't break your marriage vows, just because you feel attracted to some one else.

You've got to have a sense of duty and do what is right regardless of your feelings. That's what vast majority of people do in their lives. And that's what keeps society from sliding into chaos and anarchy.

If everybody started acting out on their feelings regardless of how it affected other people, then life would be hell for everyone.

Of course, there are people who cannot resist acting out on their feelings because of a mental illness. And if you feel that you are in a situation like that, then you need to make an appointment with a medical doctor and ask him for help.

Answer 5

It is difficult you are not able to recover from any individual identical to that. I used to be in a courting for 5yrs whilst my woman left me. I am nonetheless feeling the impacts of that now. What I'm doing is staying energetic with paintings and institution. I additionally pray. That's what frequently maintain me going. I recognize in time that any individual else will come my method. Time will heal all wounds. You may have your down and out, unhappy and depressed interval. Don't keep that method very lengthy or you'll under no circumstances stand up and get out and begin over. Take some time and take it day-to-day. You will probably be satisfactory. I desire that i might email you someday & we will be able to stroll via this in combination. I will probably be praying for you & i am hoping you believe higher.

Answer 6

I think before you can find love you need to address the issues that are keeping you from giving of yourself fully. It sounds like to me that you were addicted to the chase. You loved this girl who thought of you as nothing more than a free ride and a friend. Than you have a wife who was devoted to you (see the chase is gone here) and you treated her badly. (Although she cheated and there is never any reason to cheat.) I think you have some underlying issues and may need a professional help,

Answer 7

OOOH, this so reminds me of that 3 dog night song. "one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. 2 can be as bad as one, its the loneliest number since the number one.",
When I was in your first position years ago, the ONLY thing that saved me from the drowning pool was to use mental imagery of many types. I pictured myself:cutting the ropes that bound us together and throwing them back to him, he was a cassette and i took him out of my player and smashed the tape, threw him off a building and hearing splat... just any image, i didnt care. It took a few weeks of intense imagery, but he was gone and i aint looked back. After you have accomplished this #1 urgent task, then you can try to mend your current relationship. Anything as good as love must be that bad, too. peace love and prayers to you

Answer 8

there really isn't a magic way to get over someone...what you have to realize is that just because that one woman hurt you that not all women will..taking it out on other people..ESPECIALLY your wife who loves you is wrong...if you treated her as badly as you say, try and understand why she had an affair..she was probably starving for affection and attention...does that make cheating right? of course not..but it is understandable...six years does seem like a long time to hurt over someone...the easiest way to get past it is to concentrate on the relationship with your wife...maybe get some counseling to work through your problems...just stop taking it out on the woman who does love you....

Answer 9

Get into counseling as soon as possible. You have a lot of issues that you could probably use some help dealing with. If you care about yourself and your relationship/future relationships you need to deal with these destructive feelings that have been ruling your life.

Answer 10

This is the most retarded thing I have ever heard. If there is even a shred of truth in this you need to get help from a psychologist and stop wasting time on Internet message boards.