Which of you come from dyfunctional families,how has this affected you?

Question

Well Ansr3r3r,when you go to therapy,what is the 1st thing they ask?

Answer 1

Glad you're not a therapist, answ3r3r. :) (Well, at least, I hope not.)

I do think the term "dysfunctional" is overused. Obviously, every family has some secrets to hide. However, generally, you can classify a family as "functional" and heading in the right direction, or "dysfunctional" and heading downhill.

It all hinges on how conflict is resolved on a consistent basis. A dysfuctional family does not resolve conflict; it either ignores it, covers it up, or threatens members of the family for trying to deal with it.

I grew up in a family where my father was an alcoholic. (Recently he became clean -- amazing! Long story, but I'm glad for him.)

This had a profound impact on my sister and me. No one would have thought we had problems; we were both survivors, no one would have guessed how badly hurt we were. No one except those in close relationships with us were able to experience or detect our faulty perceptions and/or coping mechanisms.

Basically, I withdraw from conflict; if I'm forced to persist, I become passive-aggressive. Barring that, I just suffer severe depression.

Talking to my father was impossible. I also felt insignificant and worthless. Criticism was very personal. I've thus developed a very passive and fatalistic mindset that is hard to overcome. I'm in my late 30's, and it's taken me this long to really get somewhere in regard to overcoming the issues and learning how to relate to others and be willing to let them see who I really am.

My sister is in her early 30's and still single... she finally began dating a few months ago. This is all from trust issues regarding my father, who consistently violated her boundaries emotionally.

Our experiences are not atypical; and common patterns have been perceived in people who have grown up in abusive or neglectful families.

I could go on forever. Instead, I'll sum up an idea or two here.

Usually the problems occur because of the coping mechanisms the kid develops. The same mechanisms that let the kid survive the awful environment are the same things that prevent him or her from relating in a healthy manner to people as an adult.

So adulthood now becomes the stage for where a kid has to unlearn ALL of the bad things that he depended on to survive, and learn all the healthy ways of relating that he missed as a kid. It's like having to go through a second childhood.

Don't let people like answ3r3r get you down. Some people use a bad childhood as an excuse, sure; but many adults WERE seriously wounded as children, and recovering from those wounds is a long arduous (but still necessary and worthwhile) journey.

(Feel free to drop me a line through my Yahoo link, if you're having a hard time or want to talk about anything in more detail...)

Answer 2

my father was away most of the year... we'd probably see him about two months the whole year, and he(God rest his Soul) and my mom were always arguing when he was here.
How it affected me? Well, i'm divorced. I have major issues trusting that men can actually love me and stay long enough for anything....so out of my insecurities, i lost a lot of good, decent men.
I push them away, and then they decide that it's really time to move on. And then i realize what i've done, and cry me a river, and think to myself....i'm such a big looser with men!!!
Its really my insecurities, that no man will last, cause my own father was in my life for only a few days....he even missed my graduation party, and was nearly not coming to my wedding.......
i love my Dad more than anything, and i was close to him, but i never really learned to love myself enough, cause he wasn't there to show me...
But he did tell me that he's proud of the person i've become 1 week before he passed away...i really miss him. But i don't think that solves my problem with men...
Women are affected by why the father left, and boys are affected by When the father left.....so i guess that could answer why i'm such a mess with men.
hope that answered your question..

Answer 3

I came from an extremely disfunctional family, and it has unfortunately impacted severely on my life. The sad part of it is, you often don't realize why you are reacting the way you are. For example, I was sexually abused by my father. The message I got was that this was what fathers did. When my husband and I had a daughter, I tried very hard never to let him be alone with her, for fear he would do to her what my father did to me. It was a baseless fear -- he isn't that kind of guy. But he -- and she -- missed some wonderful times together simply because of my fears, and I didn't even realize why I was behaving the way I was. It took them many years after she reached adulthood, to achieve bonding and a warm, loving relationship.

Answer 4

It is hard to find someone because you are so anxious to love someone and to be loved. Also you are suspicious insecure about yours feelings and physical appearance, on the hole you have to many complex, it is better to take some kind of therapy after having that kind of family if you do not want other suffer because of your problems.

Answer 5

It makes relationships difficult, makes it hard to trust people or be outgoing. On the plus side people who were abused as a child I more sensitive to the emotions of others.

Answer 6

All families are dysfunctional, and putting that as an excuse for failures only demonstrates weakness of character.

Answer 7

I tend to avoid conflict. I'm trying to work on not being so much of a people pleaser.

Answer 8

i put windex in my sisters cool aid