Can someone make me laugh please?

Question

I found out more information about my cheating ex bf who is also my daughter's father.

Feeling sad so please can someone make me laugh?

Answer 1

Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Answer 2

Once upon a time, there was an old Alleycat hunting in an alley, when he heard a Kitten crying in a dumpster. He jumped in to help, and found the kitten sitting at the bottom of the empty dumpster with the base of it's tail clamped firmly in it's own teeth.
The Alleycat asked, "Kitten, what are you doing?"
The Kitten replied, "I learned in school today that a cat keeps it's happiness in it's tail. So, I spent all day and night chasing it until I caught it, and now I'm never letting go!"
The Alleycat sat down and looked at the Kitten very seriously. "I never went to school, so pardon me for saying so, but you don't look very happy."
The Kitten answered, "I'm not! I'm hungry and tired."
"Why don't you let go?" asked the alleycat.
"Because it was hard to catch, and I don't know if I can do it again." snapped the Kitten.
The Alleycat thought about this for a minute. Finally, he asked, "Well, did chasing your happiness make you happy?"
The Kitten looked at the Alleycat like he might be retarted (which is quite a trick when you're biting your own tail!), and retorted, "No. It made me dizzy!"
The Alleycat considered a moment longer and asked again, "And catching it, did catching it make you happy?"
The Kitten was getting quite testy now, and growled, "No, I bit down too hard and it hurt!"
The Alleycat's curiosity was now satisfied, but he asked one more question. "So chasing, catching, and holding on to your happiness is what's making you miserable?" The Kitten was so angry he nearly took a swipe at the Alleycat, until the realization of his predicament overtook him. Suddenly, the self-assured Kitten looked very confused. The Alleycat went on, "Kitten, let it go. Take a nap, and then go hunt some dinner. Your tail will be behind you the whole way, and so happiness will follow you wherever you go; as long AS LONG AS YOU CAN KEEP YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR BUTT!"

Answer 3

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Answer 4

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 5

Hun I am so sorry
just remember Karma will come and bite him back in his *** for what he has done to you and your daughter. Karma will bite him worse and he will reap misfortunate for what he has done to you

now for some jokes to make you feel better

I am so poor that when I went to my fridge I saw a cockroach sitting next to an onion crying (lol)
here is a real situation that happened to make you laugh

oh my ex husbands uncle owns a cattle farm cow poop is called sitstills lol cause they never move get it never move lolol ok now one day galen and his uncle was out giving the baby calfs their shots and galen noticed dois had cow poopoo on his hand but dois didnt know this so galen been the meany he is lol said to dois hey you have a biting fly on your right cheek so dois without thinking slapped the side of his face lolol then galen started laughing and rolling and dois realized what had happened when he slapped his face he got cow poopoo on his cheek ewww you should of seen the look on dois face omg worth a picture i can tell you lololololol


hopes this helps you and remember karma will bite him in the *** and he will get paybacks for doing this

love and light sweetie

Answer 6

FIRST OFF I WILL START BY TELLING YOU THAT IF YOU REALLY LOVE THIS MAN, MAYBE GIVE HIM A SECOND CHANCE, I KNOW THAT IT IS HARD, BUT I HAVE SEEN MY 2 VERY CLOSE FRIENDS ALMOST GET A DIVORCE BECAUSE HE CHEATED, HE WORKED OUT OF TOWN ALOT AND WHEN HE CAME HOME SHE WASNT ALWAYS I NTHE MOOD, WELL OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO CHEAT IF HE ISNT GETTING IT THAT MUCH, WELL, SHE GAVE HIM A SECOND CHANCE AND NOW THEY ARE MORE IN LOVE THEN THEY HAVE EVER BEEN, THEY HAVE 2 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND THEY ARE ALL SO MUCH HAPPIER.

I DONT KNOW HOW SEXUAL YOU ARE BUT I WILL TELL YOU A WILD THING THAT ME AND MY B/F DO, WE STARTED POSTING PICS ON NEWBIENUDES.COM.......WE NOTICED THAT ALOT OF COUPLE WERE ON THERE AND HOW THEY TALKED ABOUT IT INCREASING THE PASSION IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. WE LOVE READING THE COMMENTS THAT PEOPLE PUT ON OUR PICS, YOU CANT BE JEALOUS PEOPLE THOUGH.

AND THE FUNNY THING THAT MIGHT MAKE YOU LAUGH IS THE OTHER MORNING AFTER PLAYING IN BED WITH MY HONEY WE WERE EATING A BANANA IN BED AND I STARTED PUTTING LITTLE PIECES ON THE HEAD OF HIM PENIS AND TRYING TO DO A SLING SHOT INTO MY MOUTH, I NEVER GOT IT, BUT IT WAS SO HILARIOUS, WE LAUGHED LIKE CRAZY.........I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER WITH YOU, JUST WHATEVER YOU DO DONT SETTLE!!!!!

Answer 7

If he is your ex think about how dumb he was to let someone as good as you go. His small brain might match his other small parts but they must control him more than common sense. Be glad he is gone. Thin about how much fun you will have breaking the new guy in your life in. When you see him again tell him thanks. When he ask what for tell him for letting you out of his life and allowing you to find a guy that can really get you off. That will play a brain game on him. Think about how he looked waiting for you to give it to him. He is spreading himself pretty thin and word gets around about guys like him. He will end up with a real **** and have a miserable life.

Answer 8

Do you really want to laugh? Or would you rather go and cry? I hope that you do what you feel like doing? If you want to talk, call up a best friend who knows you and can help. Trust me, there are a lot of bogus losers on here who will try and "entice" you into their "loving" arms! Good luck!

Answer 9

Go Look In The Mirror

Answer 10

If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking until you do suck seed!
Say these words over and over, "hoof arted"

This blond was putting together a puzzle and she became very frustrated. She asked her husband for help, "it's supposed to be a tiger." she said. Her husband looked at her and told her to put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!