am i wrong for chewing my husband out for being dishonest?

Question

he's been hiding porn from me! I dont want him to sneak around but he does it any way reguardless of how i feel. i dont think i can trust him any more! can he change?

Answer 1

I understand why you're taking it very personally, as a trust issue.

From his perspective, it's hard to tell exactly what his situation is. Obviously he would hide it from you, since he knew you'd be upset when you found it, and he might feel guilt over looking at it.

He obviously also has a strong desire to look at it... enough that he was willing to do it behind your back despite how he feels about you or despite the possibility of what you'd do when you found out.

He could be doing it spitefully, just to indulge himself, without caring at all about you.

He could be doing it because he's intensely attracted to it and can't get it out of his head (i.e., addictive behaviors that have been repeated long enough to stick).

It's possible for him to want you, yet still be attracted to porn. Porn is porn. It's a physical stimulation, as well as an emotionally safe (for him) outlet for his desires.

(I.e., porn will never reject him; he doesn't have to impress porn; he has no emotional commitment to making porn happy; it's easy gratification without responsibility for him.)

So I can understand why you chewed him out, and I know you're upset and feel rejected/betrayed by him. But it might not be exactly what you're perceiving it as; and when you blew up at him, you basically reinforced the whole reason he was hiding it from you in the first place.

Don't ignore it. Now you know about it. Engage him in conversation about it, and find out what he's feeling and why he does it (or is attracted to it). Find out how he feels about you.

Talk about your relationship. See what you're both missing, and how you can both better please each other.

When you talk to him, don't be demanding or belligerent. Yes, let him know how it affects you emotionally, and be firm with him; but he won't open up unless you really exude that you're trying to find a solution, that you care about him, that you're not belittling or badgering him; that he's not the "little boy being punished by his mom" for getting caught. You want to avoid that feeling.

(Note: His attitude matters. If he's doing it disdainfully or spitefully, and has a 'screw you' attitude the whole time, like you're not worth the time of day or consideration, obviously that's a lot worse and needs more direct confrontation.)

Answer 2

I'm confused with this issue in regards to women. (I'm a woman, just to get that sorted out up front.) Pornography isn't bad, unless children are involved or people who are forced into the porn against their will. With people as loose as they are nowadays, who would need to do that? Ha. Your jealousy is unfounded. Porn has nothing to do with you. It is his right as a male to masturbate and also to look at porn. I don't mean every day all day. The fact that he's sneaking it IS dishonest, but you leave him really no choice. I don't understand why women try to deny men fantasy. Even their past. Women aren't even comfortable with the fact that men have had lovers before them. Isn't it good enough that the man loves you now and is in a relationship with you? You must control every aspect of is sexuality, as well? It isn't healthy. Love comes with time and devotion, not with force and obsession. You may believe in a strict religion, and I don't want to make it sound like you are wrong or stupid. But sex is a natural thing, masturbation is natural. And it is unhealthy and unnatural to force a man to not do this healthy things. Be happy he is at home doing it instead of down the road picking up prostitutes and sleeping with any girl he meets. Consider the alternatives before you crucify him for doing something all men do.

Answer 3

Its porn. Get over it. If you can't trust him over a few videos and pics, you've got larger issues in your relationship. It is probably more of a turn-on for him to be hiding it from you. But most importantly, why should he have to change? You agreed to marry him in good times and in bad, for better or for worse. This just happens to be some of the worse. Deal with it and move on. I'm sure you have a few habits he'd prefer you to stop too.

Answer 4

He will only change when he chooses to change. I'm guessing it's not that he's looking at the porn, but more that he's doing it behind your back. You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he won't stop, you'll have to decide what to do from there. I know two women who left their husbands becuse of this issue.

Answer 5

I don't, but I do believe in say what you mean and mean what you say.. If you are really upset about the lie then let it be known but if you are upset about his act then make it clear if you are looking for the right results. He can change but he has to want to. Until then you have to decide what you can tolerate and how will you adjust in order to protect yourself. Just be prepared for anything from now on and be honest with yourself first b/c he MAY get better and he MAY not.

Answer 6

Whereas I think it is utterly pointless to "chew him out," I do feel that you should calmly voice your concerns on the matter and let him know how uncomfortable you are with his present behavior. As far as bringing about a change in his bahavior is concerned, he will only change if has both the desire and will to do so.

Answer 7

hey, there are worse things than porn. leave him alone, and most important: DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE HIM, accept him, that is how men are. if it's just that, then you should be happy. eat icecream and just be happy

Answer 8

if he was hiding it he knows it wrong. i feel that is cheating. and lyeing. he either needs to tell you or stop doing it. i think if he is happy with you he doesnt need it. my husband feels that same.