How can I get my wife to go to the doctor to get help for her depression? I'm ready to file for "D".

Question

My wife has been depressed forever. Hasn't worked in 15 years even though we've had enormous financial woes. Past abuse of alcohol. She has not been to the doctor for even basic care in over five years. Sleeps all the time...she is basically a glorified babysitter (there to get the kids off to school and there when they get back - most of the time). Intimacy is infrequent at best (once every six to eight weeks) and she won't kiss or hug unless I'm on my way out the door. I've tried everything short of filing for divorce - but I'm scared of screwing up the kids (10 and 12). Her family, and mine said they would support me, but I wish there was a better alternative. I don't want to spend my next 40 years unhappy, without intimacy and broke. I want my kids to have it better (I work, parent from work, do homework when I get home, cook dinner most of the time, do 90% of the laundry, cub scouts, girl scouts, etc...) Should I just file for divorce and let the chips fall?

Answer 1

I was in the same boat about 2 years ago. My wife was depressed, slept on the couch almost all day, I worked 2 jobs and took care of my daughter when I was home ... I would say that my wife was a glorified babysitter, but in reality, I was often worried about my daughter's safety while I was at work. The horror stories I could tell you ...

I know you won't like this answer but, here goes: You can't get your wife to go to the doctor for help. There is nothing that you could say or do that would ever alter the will and/or mind set of a clinically depressed person. The decision has to be theirs, which, funny enough, is the same advice that Al-Anon would give to a spouse/child of an alcoholic. I had spent the first year of her depression trying to help her through it, taking her to relaxing places, doing the house chores, taking care of my daughter, that did not work, I had threatened divorce once, but it did nothing, After an incident with my wife she was put in the hospital for about 5 days to "straighten her medication out", but, because she didn't believe in medication, that was the only time she took it. She made 1 out of 12 scheduled pyschiatrist appointments and 8 out of 40 scheduled pyschologist visits. She simply didn't want to go or get help. That was her decision, and unfortunately all the best intentions in the world won't get her to change it... for my x wife or for your wife unfortunately.

In my opinion there are 2 solid questions that you have to ask yourself.

1. Do you still love her and could you continue to make it work? (assuming that you were alone and without kids.) If the answer is yes, continue to the next question as it is the deal breaker. If not, then you have your answer with regards to divorce.

2. I think most parents, including you would agree that their children are the single most important aspect of their lives, and their most important responsibility. With that said, what do you feel is more harmful to your children, a "messy" divorce (which it will be, trust me on that one) or living every day watching Mom sleep away her life, not having her in their lives because she's too depressed, bringing the family down because you are too overworked and stressed out, not having enough money (and yeah - I know about that one too, my x was racking up nearly 3500 in overdraft charges almost every year for 3 years....) I'm sure you could add a few examples to this list... Simply put, what is best for your children? Your kids at 10 and 12 are old enough to engage in a serious discussion about divorce and depression. Their thoughts and feelings will more than likely be an included factor for a judge during a divorce and I would recommend talking to your children about their thoughts and feelings about your family dynamics - how do they feel about their mom's depression, and seriously consider taking your kids to a pyschologist for some family therapy, unfortunately, if you're stressed out and hurting, your kids are too - only many times worse. If your kids experience more happiness during and after divorce, it is better, especially if the divorce forces the parents to put their kids number one. If your wife is missing out on their lives, then they are not number one in hers, and therein lies the problem. If Divorce is better for them in the long run, File, and make sure you get a calm attorney. I'll cover that in a second....

I'll tell you what happened with my divorce, as it might give you a bit of hope, as it certainly turned out well for everyone I would say... after a long 2 year battle, with every settlement offer from my side getting worse every time her "hot-shot" attorney (thus the find a calm attorney) decided he wanted something else like a GAL (Guardian Ad-Litem) and a Pysch Evaluation, I finally landed up with full custody, my X had visitation once a week, had to pay me child support and all the bills were split 50/50, and she had to pay my attorney fees. A little over a year later, my X has been in counseling, of her own choice going twice a week without missing an appointment, is on medications, without skipping one, is healthy, active and sees my daughter more often now that I feel that she is safe when she is with her. And my X is seeing someone that is good for her. All in all, my daughter is safe and happy, I am certainly happy (and have plenty of money to spare now) and my X is happy and healthy, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome, even if the fight was frustrating and stressful.

Everyone's situation is different, but what's similar is that you can't change someone else, you can only change what you have the ability to change. I wish you good luck.

Answer 2

I am also a depressive and it took a long time for me to realize I needed to get help. It almost ended my marriage as well. My depression led me to seeking happiness in the arms and bed of another woman. When my wife told me were done, it was over, I finally realized that I had a problem, and with the support of her and my friends, I got help, and things are starting to get better, slowly yes, but better.
I suggest first talking to her and telling her how you feel. tell her if things do not change, that you have to make a decision for your and your children's happiness. Tell her that there is no stigma ( I worried about this for a long time) because she has to take medication. Ensure her that you will support her completely and unconditionally every step of the way, even when things seems impossible. If that does not work, then begin the process of improving your life and the live's of your children by getting a seperation. It may or may not work, but one way or the other your marriage will end if she does not seek the help she needs.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 3

I know exactly where you're coming from. But I was the child when this happened. My mother lost her daughter (my sister) and went into a deep depression. My father decided to stay with her and tried to get her help (she only went to the doctor once) and our lives mirrored yours. My sister died when I was 4 I'm 27 now. My parents are still together but its still the same, all the children have moved out, my parents don't sleep in the same room, my mom still barely gives any affection to my dad. I'm pretty sure their sex-life is non-existent.

Do the kids a favor. Leave. They'll appreciate it. I know I would've. I would've rather lived with my father and visited my mother. Because my dad would've found someone that made him happy. Maybe it would've been a wake up call for my mom. I hated being a child, and I really hate visiting them as an adult.

I'm not in a relationship and to tell you the truth Its because I'm deathly afraid of becoming them. Everytime I'm in serious relationships I end them before they go too far. I've even gotten a divorce. I just don't want to end up like them.

Don't do that to your kids.

Answer 4

Im sorry for your situation. It must be very very difficult for you and everyone close to her. I think the best thing to do is work with a therapist on this ...you may want to set up some sort of intervention with your wife. She needs to know that you are at your wits end and you will not continue the relationship unless she seeks professional help. She is so depressed and probably just cant do it on her own. I know you have been the one keeping the family running but you have to continue being strong and work this out with a therapist...If that doesnt help then you may have to seperate/file divorce. Best wishes.

Answer 5

Hard as it is to go through a divorce, you will survive and so will the kids. The life that they see with their mom will affect their ways of life as an adult. If they see you are settling for what you have they may do the same in their adult life with their spouse choices. I have seen this with my 21 yr old daughter. She would have never picked the type guys til I married someone that was mentally, emotionally and basically unavailable to me physically or affectionate. So if you want to move on do it before too much more damage is done to you or the kids! I wish you the best =)

Answer 6

Wow...only you can make the choice if you should just file for the divorce or keep trying.
Have you tried flat out telling your wife....You need to see a doctor for this depression, you need to spend time with the kids and me, I am a man and have need for physical affection from my wife on a daily basis, because she wants to not because she has to...You need to get a job and contribute to the household, cook dinner, LIVE ,,,,, if you don't I am leaving you!
That is what I would tell her....and if things don't get better I'd go...The kids will be fine, and will be happier because you will be happier. You can try to get custody or visitation....but, don't spend your life in a loveless marriage....You will be robbing yourself of the greatest happiness I know.

Answer 7

Tell her she needs to see a doctor and get some help or you are out of there, she could be feeling alot better if she gets some help. She could have some other problems as well if she is tired all of the time she could have diabetes.............give her the ultimatum, get help or you are leaving. She needs to be functional enough to be a mother to the children and do the house work and cooking if she is at home all day. You may also opt for counseling if she gets on the right track.

Answer 8

would you divorce someone because they had cancer? she's depressed. she can't help it. she doesn't want to take care of herself because she doesn't seem to think that she's worth it. try making her feel better about herself, her life, and everything else. get some st. john's wart, some valarian root, and lots of herbal teas. Once you two have one or two good moments together again, tell her how much you miss her, and that the depression is coming between you two. Ask her maybe if she'd go to a doctor just to see what they say, and that she doesn't have to take meds if she doesn't want to. Clinically depressed people generally don't want tooo much medication because it makes us dead inside, but it sounds like she already is. A divorce would make her feel a whole lot worse than she already does, and may lead her to hurt herself. Let her know how much you love her, and when you kiss her, take the focus OFF of sex. maybe she's just sick of her routine and a trip would help. nobody can resist giving mickey mouse a smile....

Answer 9

Seek a mental Health specialist and enroll her for treatment. Ask her to go for the sake of your kids and your marriage. People with depression cannot take initiative or make decisions for themselves because they need help and they are unable to take care of themselves. If you care for her and your kids, seek treatment inmediatly.

In the other hand, if she is unable to go to treatment and you feel that your kids are in jeopardy, you are in the right to file for divorce and get custody of the kids, specially since you do most of the household chores and after school activities.

Life is too short to be miserable,. Get her the help that she needs and see if after treatment, your family can be happy again. If you are still not happy, pursue a divorce.

Good luck to you,

Answer 10

if you really love her then talk to her. you know i used to be depressed and i found the love of my life and have a beautiful baby and have found out the there was no need. evidently she is not feeling lone from you or maybe she has something else going on. i believe if she truly was depressed than it would have ended or she would have gotten help. maybe she is lazy and is just along for the ride. i think you need to talk to her and see if she is genioun about the situtation. it sounds to me like if you are doing everything you can to make her feel loved and important than she isnt depressed unless she wants to get help. if she doesnt want help than i think she is just making excuses. you need to look into your heart and wonder if the things you are going through is worth it for your kids that have two parent together. Or if it would be better for them to have seperated parents that are happier. if you arnt happy and know nothing will change in the future than your kids will see that and think that marriage is not the great, loving enjoyable union that it is supposed to be.

Answer 11

For better or worse. You now stand at the edge of the cliff. She is definitely deep into her depression. You have to have some professional help to assist you with this. Seek the very best psychiatrist you can afford. If this doesn't work, you may have to consider divorce for the kids sake!