I've been married for 13 years almost 14. The first 11 years were great - just the little things that really are petty and insignificant in the whole scheme of things. However, a couple of years ago he started getting involved with some unsavory characters, got involved in meth, committed some crimes and had a long term affair. I recently filed for divorce...which I am going through with regardless. My question - he has been clean for over a year and really changed his life. He wants to give it another go, but I am a little leary of it - I don't want to be hurt again. We do have five kids together in which I have been the sole provider for (2 yrs) along with my grandson. He has been helping out as he can for the last 9 months. He lives in a halfway house that takes his checks, but he will be getting out in July. He is NOT moving back in with me - he says he is willing to start from square one. Am I being naive to even be considering such a thing?
2006-06-07 03:50:30 · 18 answers · asked by peyton 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I agree with thefcnman. Take it easy and follow your feelings. There are no rules for situations like this.
What do you want? really, for yourself? If you want to give him a chance, go for it. But again, just take it easy and see how it goes.
Good luck to the both of you!
O, one last thing, it takes a lot of strength to get clean from a heavy addiction and to change your life back like that. For that he definately gets my respect. People can change and they can get a lot stronger from it.
2006-06-07 03:58:43 · answer #1 · answered by Bloed 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
11 good years and a couple of bad years equals a lot of good memories over shadowed by some really bad ones. I look at this and I see a man who must have been what you wanted for 11 years and should mainly be judged for the person he was then. Everyone in life makes some stupid mistakes, some peoples are much larger than others is all. This guy made some huge mistakes and has and continues to pay a high price for those mistakes. Does he deserve a second chance at life, yes. Does he deserve a second chance at life with you, that is still up to debate. I like your approach that you are getting divorced no matter what and I like that he is willing to start at square one. These are both important because at this point he doesn't deserve your trust and I believe it will take a very long time for you to be able to really trust him again. The question is does he realize we are talking years and not months that it will take for you two to ever have a chance together? In some regards, he will be spending the rest of his life proving to you that he is the man you once knew and not the man he had become for the last several years. Talk to him and make it clear this is a long term process with no guarantees and no room for him to mess up. If he can accept that then give him a chance because we all deserve a second chance once in awhile.
2006-06-07 04:02:15 · answer #2 · answered by rkrell 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The childrens well being must come first, which I think they do in your case. On the other hand everyone deserves a second chance and it sounds to me like he is really trying to change for the better. Take things one day at a time with him and keep the lines of communication open regardless. Dont harp on the past, leave it there and start over. Above all think with your head and not your heart. Go through with the divorce and see if he still wants to start from square one , that should tell you something.
2006-06-07 04:10:32 · answer #3 · answered by betchyadidnthinkathat 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes the things that we want aren't the best for us! Although I am sure that you still love your soon to be ex there is a BIG reason that he will be your ex. You don't sound like the type of person that would leave for reasons that weren't important or creditable. He not only brought harm to himself but everyone in his life. He is a drug user even if he has been clean for a year. There is always the chance that he could go back to it. I think what you need to consider is if you want to try something new with someone else and take the chance that that person may hurt you.(because there always is the chance of getting hurt) or to give your ex another chance and still take the chance of getting hurt. I would say if you feel like the stress of him being back in your life is more than the love that you want to share with him then try being friends and nothing else for a while until you feel comfortable with taking another step forward.
2006-06-07 04:01:58 · answer #4 · answered by vicked01 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I don't think your naive. You have a serious issue to consider. People can change and people can turn their lives around, but you have to think first of your children. If you are feeling leary, go with your gut. Prior to considering a relationship with this man, you both have to get involved in some serious counseling. It may benefit the both of you if you were to go separately at first and maybe after a year, you can go together. He may be wiling to start from square one but it will be emotionally impossible to do that on your part. Some part of you is always going to doubt his honesty or sincerity. Let him continue to be a part of his children's lives, so long as he is clean. It may be beneficial also, for your children to let them partake in some family or individual counseling of their own. No doubt what they have been through has been traumatic as well. Just be safe and tread lightly. Only you will know if getting involved with him is the right thing to do.
2006-06-07 04:05:55 · answer #5 · answered by lyricsop 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you think he is really SINCERE and not full of lies then I think you should give him another chance. Follow your heart, but mostly follow your instincts. People do make mistakes, but remember that people can change. When you do get back with him, make sure he's still following procedures on being a better person like going to counseling and other stuff. If you think he hasn't changed and just wants to be with you again for the hell of it; then you need to leave him for good because there are tons of good guys out there.
2006-06-07 04:26:43 · answer #6 · answered by ♥Lily♥ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a lot of responsibilities to consider (namely all those kids) - I wouldn't rush into anything just yet --- make sure he is paying child support and has some kind of child visitations set up --- I always heard that waiting and seeing how the person does after rehab is a good way to see what changes he has made --- wait a year and see if he's as stable and keeping out of trouble.
2006-06-07 03:57:30 · answer #7 · answered by jaimestar64cross 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nope you aren't. Don't forget, it's not just a couple of years, it's eleven. Ask your kids - Have they been scarred by that experience enough? Whatever the decision, make sure it's not for yourself alone.
It also applies to whether you should give him a go. Ask yourself, do you still feel the passion for him?
See it from his perspective, too. You know how hard it is to swallow your pride and ask her, and some men, when faced with divorce, just see it as a battle lost, and refuse to do anything about it anymore.
2006-06-07 04:28:20 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that is a rough one, the good thing is 1, he cleaned up his life and 2 is willing to start over, the bad news is that the temtation is always there, you can always place the divorce on hold and "date" for a year and see how it goes and if he isn't what you expected then continue with the divorce
2006-06-07 03:54:43 · answer #9 · answered by mimismom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have filed for divorce... which you stated you are going through with regardless, then it seems subconsciously you have answered your own question. You have moved on with your life, and while he is in the process of getting his back on track, you are doing quite well without him at this point.
2006-06-07 04:00:35 · answer #10 · answered by sali06 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋