what would you tell your sister?

Question

my sister has been with the same guy off and on for 15 years since she was 15 years old about 4 years ago she met a guy I think fell in love but went back with the other guy because he seemed to fall apart. He is a bad alcoholic and does seem to lose it when she walks but about once a year they go through the same issues over and over she says they no longer have relations or have many kind words they are just used to each other. the guy she had met was 6 years her jr and this guy was crazy about her and still is he has joined the marines and is contacting her telling her he is waiting on here forever she calls me and asks my advice she says on one hand she knows that the guy she is with will fall apart if she goes but her heart and sould are waiting with this other guy, she says she is scared to take the leap but I think with encourgament she would run to him and stay with him. But I'm not sure what to tell her what would you say if it was your sister

Answer 1

You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Sometimes the hardest lessons are learned on your own.

Answer 2

If you feel that your sister will move on to this "better" guy, then that's what you need to do... Encourage her. I mean, 15 and 15 makes at least 30, right?? She's not getting any younger and 15 yrs is a long time to be with someone with no progression. If this other guy is in the Marines, then more than likely that means he has at least a decent level of stability in her life...I mean, I don't know if her and the guy of 15 yrs have kids together or anything, but like I said, she's not getting any younger...Her biological click is ticking amongst many other reasons she needs to move on and find something stable. That's your sister and I know you love her...The only advice you should give her is advice that would benefit her...Now what kind of sister would you be if you advised her to stay with the alcoholic who obviously the relationship isn't gonna go anywhere with....I mean...Get with the marines...If thy're in love, get married...have kids...travel the world and see beautiful places...Be happy!!!

Answer 3

Your sister needs to realize she is suppose to be his mate and not his mother. She is not responsible nor can she fix her boyfriend. He uses her for a crutch. He is completely comfortable having her. He knows he could not find anyone else to put up with his crap. If he really cared about her her would get help with his problem. Its suppose to be a joint relationship. He will keep feeding off of her as long as she allows it. So what if he falls apart. Its not her problem. Isn't he an adult? So she should act like one. I say move on with her life. For someone she cares about also. He will never change as long as he is allowed to do the same old thing. If she truly loves him she still needs give a choice or tell him its over. If she doesn't then she needs to get out she has wasted enough time.

Answer 4

Well your sister is in a comfortable relationship. whether it is healthy or not. Being with an alcoholic is hard. She is enabling his behavior by going back each and every time she leaves him. She is going back out of guilt. Her boyfriend isnt falling apart cuz he is already a mess by the heavy drinking. He is masking his pain from something else. She needs to leave him. She really needs to heal before making that leap with the marine. He will still be there. She is in a very destructive relationship. She needs to quit being co dependant. Maybe she should go to an alanon meeting to help her through it. She should not stay out of guilt cuz she is robbing herself of happiness.

Answer 5

You tell her that you will support what ever decision she makes. Anything else would be interfering. My sister is in the same type of situation the only difference is that she is married to this guy and in love with someone that is in another state. For years my family has been telling her that her husband is a loser and that she should move on. It only makes her run right back to him. So just be a sister, listen to her problems and offer no input. Make sure she knows that whatever she does you will always be her sister.

Answer 6

I would say:

"Listen, obviously, you're going to do whatever the heck you want to do. I can't make any decisions for you. But please be careful with [marine]'s heart. He is head-over-heels for you, and I hope that you are careful to not hurt him.

"ALSO please remember that you are NOT responsible for [alcoholic]. It is not your fault that he is wrecking his life. You did not make him an alcoholic, it's not your problem. And it could be that by taking care of him, you are enabling him to keep on drinking. If you really want to help him, you WON'T be there for him every time he falls apart.

"He needs to go to rehab and get some help that you are not trained to offer (also remind her that she could go on Dr. Phil and maybe he would pay for this alcoholic sucker to get treatment).

You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life trying to fix him. If he wants you to do that, he is entirely selfish. It's not your job. You deserve to be responsible for only one person in the whole world, and that's YOU.

And [marine] isn't going to be the answer to everything you're dealing with. It might not be a good idea to stay with [alcoholic], but I don't think it's a great idea to jump from a kind of f--ked up relationship into another one IMMEDIATELY. You should take some time for yourself, work on realizing who you are and what you want out of life, and what you expect from yourself, and then maybe you'll be ready to know who you want to love."

P.S. Not to be a profiler or anything, but I've had at least 3 friends who dated marines, and all of them were very abusive once the girls were married to them. Marines are trained killers - which is not to say that they are all jerks, but the occupation choice should be considered when dating someone.

Answer 7

Your sister is co-dependent as the alcys would say. She needs to leave that guy and get on with her life. If she does not, she will be ruined emotionally at least. Moreover, extensive alcohol abuse and addiction dulls the sexual desires in all people. If she truly values her future she will leave that guy post haste and let the chips fall where they may. He is manipulating her to the max. I can assure you that when she is gone he will find another to manipulate.

Answer 8

You should tell your sister to follow her heart, because she can't spend the rest of her life fighting, after all love isnt about fighting it's about feeling happiness. But dont tell her which guy she should go with because if anything happens she might blame it on you. just tell her to follow her heart and trust. tell her to sit down for a day and just think about the 2 guys, and to think which of the 2 guys does her heart really belong to. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 9

Your sister is not responsible for anyone's happiness but her own. If her present boyfriend "falls apart" over her leaving him, then that's his choice. Why avoid possible happiness to endure endless misery? She needs to clean the slate. Her "now" man is dragging her down and her "future" man will lift her up. I say get rid of the drunk, he needs to clean up his own mess and her leaving him might just be the push he needs to smarten up! That's what I would tell my sister. Ultimately she has to make the choice for herself, as frustrating as it is for you! Keep on supporting her. You sound like a great sister!

Answer 10

I'd tell her to get out of her comfort zone because her on/off relationship is just going to make her miserable in the long run.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
The only things in life you regret are risks you don't take.

Answer 11

She is not doing the guy she is with any favors by staying with him. He needs to learn independence form her. No different than a Mother trying to hang onto her children until they are 40yrs old. Push the baby bird from it's nest if you care anything for it.