Help! My fiance wants me to obey him completely!?

Question

I am marrying a man that treats me like a child! He thinks he can tell me what to do in even the smallest matters. He tries to tell me what to do for things ranging from whether I (God forbid!) spend MY
money on lunch when I'm out running errands all day (I'm underweight already) to how clean I keep MY car (a car I worked 2 years at barely above minimum wage to buy). He says he wouldn't have to tell me what to do if I wasn't so forgetful all the time! I work long hours so sometimes I get tired or distracted and forget things.

The real kicker came last night when he asked me what I was going to change my name to when we got married. I want to take my last name as my middle name and use his last name. He thinks that's stupid and is adamant I drop my last name in any form altogether. His mom told him he was being a male chuvanist pig, and that it doesn't matter what my name is. He suffers from severe depression and won't take his medicine. He didn't used to be like this.

Answer 1

Think very, very hard about this before you marry, please. Things that seem like minor control issues now may escalate to the point where you're not allowed to go anywhere without him and must wear what he tells you to. Another warning flag is that he is blaming his controlling behavior ON YOU (if you weren't so forgetful all the time..blah blah blah).

Answer 2

Hi. Your guy sounds wonderful to me, at least the small part you've written about him. Some men are naturally dominant and believe it or not, there are alot of women out there who are looking for just such a man. Now whether you're suited for him or not is a different story altogether. If you are really not attracted to a take-charge kind of man, you should end the relationship because it's going to make both him and you very unhappy. If you do have deep-seated tendencies towards wanting a man to take control in your life and just haven't acknowledged them yet, then this man could make you very happy if you just learned to submit. Submission doesn't mean you never have an opinion or you're a doormat or abused. It means you know how to respect your guy and accept criticism and correction from him. When a dominant guy knows he is respected, often your opinion will hold more weight with him than standing up to him like the good feminists we've been trained to be in our culture. If you want to learn to be submissive and be in a relationship with a dominant man, you might join some of the Yahoo groups that deal with that. They are great and have helped me alot. Blessings, Leah.

Answer 3

Some men change as the months and years go by.Alot of them act the way they think you would like them to and then when they think/know they've got you right where they want you they begin to show thier true selves.I've been with afew guys that were really kind and loving,but then all of a sudden one day they start to change.I'm thinking that the way he's acting now is how he'll always be and there is no way your going to change him back to the nice guy you though he was before.In my oppinion if your unhappy then you need to call everything off,leave him and go out and find a better man.NO ONE has the right to tell another person what to do,how to do things,where they can go,ect.You are YOU,so be you and send this loser packing!

Answer 4

I strongly suggest you step back and take a look at what is going on here..YOU are involved with a controlling monster who will make your life miserable. Run now or you will regret the rest of your life. There is NO salvaging this relationship, for it is not a relationship in any form. You already know what I have written is true. There are no children yet, but if there were, you know he would treat them the same as he treats you. I would greatly pity any child in this environment, and you owe it to your children to NOT let them be exposed to someone like this. Good luck, you are going to need it.

Answer 5

I think I dated that guy in college... and I dumped him.

First of all, criticizing your every move is just wrong. While he might have good intentions, he needs to find a nicer way to approach you. What you eat is none of his business, and unless he's paying for your car he has no say in that either. If he doesn't like it he can go away.

As for the name thing, it used to be traditional for brides to use their maiden name as a middle name with their husband's last name. Especially in families of all girls, it was a way for the bride's last name to carry on. I know this because my mom and grandmother both did that. In fact, my great-grandparents didn't give my grandmother a middle name for that reason. The only reason I didn't do the same thing is both my maiden name and married name are German ~ to use them both just sounded too Nazi-ish to me.

As bad as it sounds I think you're going to have to give him an ultimatum: take your meds and get yourself under control, or the wedding's off. Good luck, sweetie!

Answer 6

Oh brother! You have two options that I can see to bring peace and happiness into your life. Regain control of your life. Inform your fiance of what YOUR requirements and expectations are for a successful marriage,

OR

resign yourself to being completely powerless in the relationship. Some people actually find peace as a servant. You, however, sound as though you will be having a problem in this area.

Work it out now, before it's too late.

Answer 7

do not marry this guy until he gets some help. my father has severe depression that requires medication and he doesn't take it either. over the years he has become verbally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive toward everyone in the family. tell him that you will not marry him until he starts taking his meds and gets some counseling. you are supposed to be gaining a life partner, not another father. he has no right to tell you what to do with your anything, it's all a part of marriage. he can either face that or not get married.

Answer 8

If you marry him you will regret it. He will start beating on you, threatening you, and abusing kids (if you have any), and then cheat on you. That kind of man wants a woman who is soft and
gentle. someone they can beat up and pound on. Stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel. You can't continue to be with someone like that who bosses you around all the time. That's not
love. Love is excepting a someone for who they are. Not changing them or bossing them around. There is a man out there
who is for more better and loving than him. Don't mess up your life with this guy.

Answer 9

That's not depression, he's just a jerk. Hell maybe he's Bipolar. That seems to be the diagnosis when a guy is a selfish irrational jerk. Why would you want to marry him?
I promise you this - any problems you have in your relationship BEFORE you get married are only compounded by the marriage. It's the truth.

Answer 10

I am a Dom and he sounds like he has the tendancy without the training.
If you do not want a partner that controls your life you are with the WRONG person.
You and he would be happier with partners that were a better match.
You WILL NOT CHANGE HIM, and he will not change if he does not want to.
So expect him to want to rule your life.
If you do not want that then find someone that does not want to do that.
Let him find someone he can control as he wishes.

Oh, this is why it's called dating. It the time we learn about the other person and if we can live with their personality and quirks.