Verbally abusive boyfriend, please give advice, I really need it!.....??

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years. We really, really love each other and talk about marriage and babies often. Well, about 1 1/2 years into our relationship, he started becoming verbally abusize when we would argue (calling names, putting me down) Now, this type of abuse runs in his family, and specifically, his mother is the one who does it the most. I hate it. My family is the polar opposite. If I would call my uncle a name when I was little, I would IMMEDIATELY get in trouble and no name calling was tolerated. In his family I guess that was different....I've asked SEVERAL times (promises were made too) that he would stop, never did BUT IT GOT BETTER and not as often. His new thing, which is what he does now is (when he gets mad) say, "Dumb B^tch and shut the f^ck up" I can't tell you how much I hate that. I love him more than anyone, but I can't take it anymore. I want to break up because of it, but he thinks he's not in the wrong....what should I do?

In our relationship, it is very open and we talk about a lot of things....I keep asking him to stop and it will...until he gets mad. I want to give him an ultimatum, but they never work out because he finds a way to manipulate it until I feel like he's right and I'm wrong. I can't take it anymore. I'm afraid I'll regret breaking up with him the rest of my life, because I REALLY DO WANT TO MARRY HIM< BUT NOT IF HE'S GOING TO STAY THAT WAY>>>HE'S MY BEST FRIEND, I just don't understand why he doesn't stop. I've put up with it so long I think he knows I'll stay forever not matter what he does....any suggestions?

It's not as easy as "DUMPING" him....I need help on FIXING it....I don't want to give him up as THIS QUALITY OF HIS IS THE ONLY NEGATIVE THING ABOUT HIM. OTHER THAN THAT, WE HAVE THE BEST TIMES OF OUR LIVES.

Answer 1

Dump him.....

Answer 2

Verbally abusive relationships are no different than physically abusive ones. Neither one is a healthy place to be. Since you two have talked about it maybe try counseling. I am surprised he has only verbally abused you. It usually escalates into more. If he does not want to seek outside help or if he does and things do not change, you have to do what you know is best. Love cannot compete with abuse. No matter how much love there is, abuse overrides all positives in a relationship. Ask yourself, " if he were being physically abusive towards me would I stay? Would I stand back and let a friend take abuse like that from someone?" If you answered no to either question then there lies your answer. Fireworks in a relationship can be good but not when they are always aimed at you. Whether he means to hurt you or not he is. Seek counseling! If that does not work, MOVE ON! Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Dear.
Me being a guy, I would not know how you feel, but I to tell the truth, I am used to be that way, verbally abusive. Me and my girl have been dating for some time and well, I found out that I've been verbally abusing her. She didn't say anything, I picked it on my own one day when we got into an argument. I'm sure that he hates himself afterwards for calling you a *****, etc. I know I always did. In my family, name calling comes natural, especially from my mother, because her mother called her names too. Anyways, I've learned to cope with it, we've sat down and talked about it and I told her that whenever it happens, I'd just leave her, cool down then come back. It works well for me.

I know that he's quite insecure when he calls you those names and you know, he does love you. Some guys just can't control themselves when they're mad. They say the lines that hurt you the most and then beat themselves up after.

My suggestions dear, is to talk to him, give him an ultimatium, like "if you don't stop or do something about your name calling, I will leave you" and if he tries to manipulate you in any way that would interfere with the line you drew, stick to what you said. That way, he'll know what he's done and know that he lost a good catch.

I know that you may say that you want to get married, have babies, and he's your best friend. I've been through that whole deal and dear, trust me, once you get married, EVERYTHING changes. If not immediately, with time EVERYTHING will change. Much like the relationship you're in. You noticed that 1.5 years into your relationship, he got abusive. Now if you get married, think of how he'll treat you 1.5 years into your marriage. Especially think of how he'll treat your children. Probably no positive re-enforcement, all negative. And trust me, all kids need positive re-enforcement to grow up well and healthy. I guess what I'm saying is, is think about the future, not right now.

To summarize, give him an ultimatium, and if he violates it, leave him. Give him 3 stikes and if he doesn't change, then leave him for good. This is your future at stake. You only get to live once, make the right decision and you'll live forever in the hearts and minds of loved ones. Make the wrong decision and you'll be forgotten. God bless you and best of luck with this situation.

Answer 4

The only thing you can control is how long you stay with an abusive man. You have to feel fortunate to have the opportunity to notice something about a man before you get locked into a marriage and have kids. Things WILL NOT get better, in fact, they WILL get worse as time goes on. He seems like he has control issues. HE WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR LOVE. Sometimes our love for another person overrides our common sense. Your women's intuition is telling you there is no future with this guy and I suggest that you discreetly find a way to "land on your feet" and break it off with him. When you do, be prepared for him to work at your feelings. Whatever you do, don't give in. Promises are cheap. Do the right thing for you.

Answer 5

Well honey I am sorry to tell you but you can not *fix* him that is something that only he can do....he is being doing this all his life and he probably sees nothing wrong with it since he has been raised thinking its ok by his mom. The only thing that I can tell you is....this has been going on for a year and a half after you have repeatedly asked him to stop...he hasn*t stopped yet which means that he probably isn*t going to stop....and the fact that you haven*t stood behind your word (when you have told him that you would leave) lets him know you are too weak to do anything so next time stand up for yourself and your future...do you really want to live like that for the rest of your life....and think of the children you talk about having they deserve better...

Answer 6

Listen, You do not deserve what he is doing to you. If he really loved you, he wouldn't call you names like that. You are in a controlling relationship. He has you right where he wants you and knows it. I know you said you don't want to break up, but how much more abuse are you going to stand for? What comes next, physical abuse? These are early warning signs that you need to pay attention to. When you are married, he may feel like he has total control over everything that you do and that he owns you in a way. If he was your best friend, he wouldn't do that. Wise up. Realize that you do deserve to be treated better than that. You said that you talked to him about it several times already and he gives you "empty" promises because the minute he gets mad, he does it again. Doesn't sound like he is trying to hard, or thinking about your feelings. He needs counseling, anger management or something. If he doesn't get help, it will get worse. If he is not willing to get help, you do need to get out of the relationship. Think about your future, and possibly your children's future if you intend to have kids. Would you want him to talk to your kids like that??? Seriously, consider what is best for you if he doesn't want to get help. Quite being helpless, it only supports his actions..

Good luck and God be with you.............

Answer 7

I went through the same thing honey.. do yourself a favor and dump him. No matter how much you love him.. your relationship is never going to be what you dream of it being. Men dont' change. I was with an abusive guy for 7 years,, it is not worth it!!!! You deserve better. My boyfriend that I'm with now, gets angry and when we fight we may say not so nice things to one another,, but we NEVER say things like my ex used to say to me. Some things just cross the line.. and you know what crosses the line for you. If you know you cannot live with that, then you need to end it now. good luck

Answer 8

Ok. You don't want to dump him. Its his only negative thing. Well, if it bothers you enough, you need to go, I'm telling you right now, it NOT gonna change. He is an ABUSER!!! I don't care how nice he is all the time except when he gets mad. I don't care if you've made marriage plans and he's your best friend. He obviously doesn't love you enough. You are enabling him to do this. Why are you gonna settle for someone that treats you this way? You need couseling. Go NOW!!!!!!

Answer 9

dear its hurting to read what u wrote really , my advise to u is to manage ur mind , i`m a man and i know if it starts by verbal , it could be worse in future ( by hands I mean ) also his MOM ! if u got married and u and his mom had a big problem who he will choose ? think of that , i know dumping him not easy , try to stop talking to him couple of days when he do that to learn him a leasson and c how much he loves u , do it for 2-3 times only if he is back to abusing u then leave him u should be respected as a lady and trust me if he continues things will be worse later
wish u good luck

Answer 10

Try couples counseling - you really can't fix this problem because it is completely ingrained into who he is. His family behaves this way and he's going to have to unlearn what at least 20 years of conditioning. You stated that he thinks he's not in the wrong - you have your answer right there. You are the problem not him- in his eyes.this might sound cliche but these ARE the warning signs for an abuser.

Answer 11

If this runs in the family that means that the verbal abuse can be passed down to your future children. Do what you can but you have to get out of that relationship. Good Luck.