Histrionic Personality Disorder in my mother?

Question

My mother I believe may have histrionic Personality Disorder. Please don't suggest to not diagnose her. It is merely what I believe she has. She constatly says that her doctors kiss her on the cheek always using the same phrase (He just brushed his lips across my cheek) -same when she changed doctors. She also spends large amounts of money (she snuck and got a loan behind her husbands back and by the time he found out the money was gone). In addition, she lies. She once told me she had borderline lukemia. No such thing. So I spoke with the nurse practitioner who said that she never diagnosed her with that and it did not exist. She immediately phoned my mother and my mother told her that she had a crazy daughter and then my mom phoned my church and left a terrible message about me (I am very active in my church) and everything she said was not true. These kinds of things just keep going on...looking it up seems histrionic. For those of you who can answer...is there any way to ...

live with her and not be damaged by her behavior? I have seven children and a husband that I love very much. Her lies sometimes affect them.

Answer 1

It’s hard not to be damaged in some ways.

Usually what happens is that you will develop coping mechanisms to deal with the hurt from her behavior; this will help you survive, but these mechanisms will be bad for your healthy relationships.

(For example, people who learn to withdraw from a loved one in order to survive and cope has to learn how to be vulnerable and engage again in their normal relationships.)

Your mom either is not willing to make the choice to change, or she is incapable (right now) of seeing that a choice can even be made. Usually with such a person, the perceptions that lead her to behave this way are so entrenched that she won’t even realize there are other ways she could treat people. I’m sure to her, she feels she is being the reasonable one – although maybe in her core she senses something is not quite right and it unsettles her.

I think it’s great you’re trying to understand why your mom is acting this way and are trying to find steps to take to fix things. It’s possible she’s histrionic; only a real psychiatrist can tell you that, and determine what the appropriate response is for her. From what I can tell, behavior counseling is probably the most successful (although the road will be hard); I don’t think there is any “medication” for a disorder like this.

Essentially, your mom is looking to be dependent on you. So she plays up things to attract your attention, envy, interest; and when you challenge her or check on her lies, she flips out and tries to hurt you, save her own face, preserve her illusions. Just remember at the bottom, she’s a dependent personality, doesn’t believe she’s worth much unless others constantly “stroke” her, and to give up that attention feels like death to her.

What you can do? One thing is accept where she is at, and take her for what she is… letting all your ideas and desires for her as a “mother” to you go, because she can’t meet them. I know that hurts, because you want a mom in your life; but you’ve grown up now, become independent, and can offer yourself to others as their mother now. You can make it, with your family’s support.

(In a way, you have to “mother” your mother… which stinks, but she apparently needs it.)

If you can accept your mom where she is at, it should take some of the tension out of your reactions to your mother. I’d continue to check up on her stories, but not necessarily to “confront” her with the truth – mostly so that you can be exactly aware of where she is at in her mental health.

Don’t reward or overtly punish her dramatic behavior. You don’t need to challenge her on all of her exaggerations or lies. That’s what she wants – some extreme reaction from you that she can milk for her own affirmation. Just accept her comments at face value and move on; or challenge them gently, and move on, without pressing the issue.

When she's not around, talk to your kids and constantly reaffirm for them what acceptable, healthy behavior is (so they don’t get confused), and explain that your mom can’t do better right now. They shouldn’t hate her, they will be hurt by her behavior, but they don’t have to let it shake their self-value or feel they are bad because she is doing unkind things to others. Talk about their feelings; let them know you love and care about them; confirm that you will all make it through this together.

Since you seem to be a Christian (you say you are very active in your church), I would compare this sort of love to God’s love. He accepts people right where they are at, even if he knows their behavior at that time is wrong. He is patient. He doesn’t let other people’s behavior control his reaction to them. He has self-value, so he is unshakeable and doesn’t need to react angrily or hurtfully. This also enables him to give and be patient, until a person changes. Still, he adheres to a standard of what is right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy, does not enable the bad behavior, and is constantly “nudging” people towards the right way.

So pray for her to become aware of her problems and want to change; and pray for your family for strength, patience, and the ability to love her selflessly, even when she's hurtful.

Wish it would be easier for you. It’s hard. Love is really hard, when you’re still being hurt. Don’t give up.

Answer 2

i have a sister that exhibits most of the behaviors of histrionic personality disorder. i too had children that could have been affected negatively by her behavior, as well as lies. the best thing i found, since she doesn't think she has a problem that requires treatment, was to cut myself off from her. that may sound harsh, but it was the only way i saw to avoid the drama that surrounds her. i'm not suggesting you do that with your mother, but i would think it best to shield your children from her negative behaviors as much as possible so it doesn't affect them. it does require a lot of patience, as well as some "planned ignoring" in dealing with a person with this disorder, until it gets to the point that the impact on your family is just too much. then you have to decide what is more important, the well being of your family or your relationship with your mother. at that point you do either have to cut her off, or at least cut her off from your husband and children, or insist that she seek therapy. albeit brief, that is my opinion and advice. good luck!

Answer 3

I would not say that she has a 'Histrionic Personality Disoorde. If you were looking it up in the manual for diagnostic and statistical use of psychiatrist and psychologists (DSM IV) then you were doing your moother an injuststice ,you cant use the manual to bdo diagnosis withoutother knowiedge both about her reactions and your actions are not being considered.Raaching for a dianosis is a dificult and exacitng process that you shuouldnot even attempt to do. i think both of you are seeking support for yourselves and your rather inflexible positions.So my solution would be to ask both of you to attend councelling immediatly to get downto ther roots of the relationship problem,that you most certainly have ,.if i was "Thomas Gordon" of the active listening self help books then you are still playing the role of the spoiled child while your mother may also be playing that role. now one of you has to change the role that they play and bringabout a positive changein the other., you both have a lot to learn so get busy



the good doctor was here
ajd/6

Answer 4

Can't change anyone but yourself! Since you cant change them then you'll have to change the way you react to her. In saying that, I suggest you get the help you need in order to set healthy boundries with your mother. Going through the process myself leaening my personal boundries. Good luck darlin

Answer 5

I have this disorder.

It's tough on others, but it's very painful when people get angry with me. Get ready to have a lot of patience and acceptance.
It's not fair to expect no damage. But yes there can be awkward moments. I suggest you open your mind to not caring what other people think. Your seven children as well. Don't make it seem like there's something so wrong, just go with it, to a point.

Keep her away from Alchohol! lol

Beware of "Boy who cried wolf" scenarios.

Always Check on supposed emergencies. You never know when it's a real one!

Answer 6

You can't help her; she needs professional help and she has to seek it out for herself. But you must do what you can to protect yourself and your family.

When her lies impact your reputation, all you can do is make it clear to your neighbors and friends that she is not telling the truth and they should know better than to believe her.

Good luck to all of you.

Answer 7

Is it a possibility that you could move away? At least far enough that she wouldn't bother you and your family.