Is this the right thing to do?

Question

I am trying to divorce my husband of 4 years because he is an abusive alcoholic. We have been separated for 11 months. He has not sought any help in that time. A few weeks ago I told him that I wanted a divorce and he told me that he had changed and wanted a second chance. I told him okay. But I wanted him to go to AA, etc. Well he told me that was not necessary since he had changed. I feel like I need to help him find an AA meeting place and nag at him to fix his problems. But there's a part of me that wants to drop him and FINALLY move on! Which is the right thing to do?

Answer 1

Whatever you feel in your heart. If your heart isn't really in it, then just move on. You don't have to take him back just because he said he's changed.

Answer 2

All alcoholic say they can change. But the truth is they are only taking a break from it. When you have a fight or he is stressing he will reach for a bottle again. The fact that he did not want to go to the AA would be a huge red flag, he did not change. It might be hard for you, but the best thing for you to do is to move on. You have already wasted 4 years, do not waste any more. This is you life, direct it. Be a strong women. Be ready, he will beg you, bring you flowers etc., just be strong.

Answer 3

Having dealt with an acholoic in my family (now recovering, thank God) I can tell you that until he is in a place where (a) he admits he has a problem, and (b) truly wants to change, there is NOTHING you can do that can help him. Worse, you may become an enabler.

If you are still interested, tell him the two of you can talk after he has been in AA for six months.

Answer 4

He definitley needs to go to AA and counseling to prove to you he has changed for at least 6 months to a year becore you should even think about ever even seeing him in person again at all! You also need counseling to help you with all of this either. It is not your place or duty to make sure he goes to AA it is your place to protect yourself and to go on with your life. It is your choice whether you want to divorce him or not but DO NOT go back or even see him again until he can PROVE to you and others and that he makes sure to get the help he needs to change!

Answer 5

As Dr Phil say "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge". It is so true. He is a grown man but is sick yet do not want to seek help. He may need alot of pushing to get to those AA meetings; however, if you see that he is still drinking and you find yourself mentally exhausted from trying to encourage or nag at him to go seek help, perhaps you are dealing with an individual who do not want the help. If he does not want to compromise on your terms, then he better be prepare to suffer the consequences.

Set a limit. With that, I mean set a deadline. If he still chooses not to heed to your wishes by the given time frame then you need to move on. You have given him plenty of opportunities to help himself and it sounds like you've been quite patient. Don't feel defeated or guilty for his inadequacy. Afterall, you can't help those who don't want to help himself. Furthermore, alcoholics usually drown their sorrows in a bottle...with that in mind...i believe that you can't make someone else happy unless you are happy with yourself and the world you live in.

Answer 6

If this man is not at least willing to attend AA meetings to try and save the marriage, then it's not worth your time. If he truely wanted to save the marriage, he would do anything. What's not to say that even if he is not drinking he won't still be abusive. I say if you've already been separated for eleven months, just leave him.

Answer 7

If he isn't willing to go to AA, then he hasn't really changed has he. We all know that alcoholics and drug addicts, lie constantly, swearing they have changed. But they really haven't.
You have been through four years of hell, do you really need any more.
If he has changed, let him prove it, if after even one year, being sober, then perhaps, you could trust him.
One other big problem, is one drink, and they are back where they started.
Time to move on and start the rest of your life.

Answer 8

You shouldnt have to nag your partner into bettering himself. So my suggestion is to move on with your life. Let him live his life the way he chooses. If he honestly changed then you two can look forward to falling in love all over again, and if he hasn't then you made the right choice for both partners by moving on.

Answer 9

From experience if you tell him to get help and he agrees to it and you take him back and he says that he doesn't need it. Don't beleive it. I gave my ex 3 chances the last time he was using heroin behind my back and robbed 3 banks. Prior to that everytime he got arrested he told me that he would do what ever it took to make things right. It was a bunch of bull ****. Everytime I let him back he went right back to the drugs. They lie, get divorced it is not worth it..expecially if he is abusive.

Answer 10

If you decide to take him back and help him, make sure you don't go accepting his old ways and make sure you don't put off the fact that he needs help. Always remember why you left the first place. For some unknown reason, women tend to easily fall for the "I will get better" speech and forget everything.

Answer 11

Drop him and move on. A person won't change unless they are ready to change. You go back and things will only get worse. Save yourself now while you still can.