I have a HUGE problem, Someone please give me some advice! PLS?

Question

My husband and I have been married a little over 2 yrs. We have a son together. He has been deployed for 9mo now and before he had left we were having some problems in our marriage. Since he has been gone, I have checked his buddylist and he's been talking to other females, I know its only talking but they call him baby and ask when hes going to call again and so on and so forth. I love my husband, yet I am no longer in love with him. Everytime something comes up about divorce he makes me promise I would never leave him. He's kind of insecure and we are each others first love, I am scared that if I leave I am making a bad choice however if I stay I don't know if thats the best answer either. He should be home in a few months and I want to try to rekindle our love for one another but I feel like we are more friends than anything. He knows I have been unhappy for a little over a year and we have stopped being the people we were when we were first together & Iraq has changed him BIG time

Answer 1

Please at least wait until he gets back to sort it out. There is nothing worse than a soldier on deployment getting a dear John letter. I don't know how it may turn out once he gets back but give him the chance!

Answer 2

Oh honey, I have been married about 2 years and I have an 8mo old daughter and my husband has been gone 7months. I know the feelings you have. I have been that wife that checks my husbands buddylist, HOWEVER, I know that calling home isn't cheap. So, if I found out that my husband was calling other girls from Iraq, I would be pissed. If your husband doesn't want you to leave him then why is he talking to other girls? Have you asked him that? You said that Iraq has changed him big time but you didn't say in a good way or bad...my husband has changed a lot also so I understand you when you say that but my husband has changed for the better. He realizes things he took for granted and things that he did that I didn't like.

Well, you said that you love him but you aren't IN love with him anymore...I'd see how you feel when he gets back. Maybe you are just used to him being gone and forgot how good it feels to be with him.

It's hard to put all this to words but I do understand you to a certain point and I hope that everything works out for you.

Answer 3

Hey,

This is some serious stuff. First and foremost do what is best for you and you son mentally emotionally and physically. Having a unhealthy relationship can affect you and your kid and you don't realize it. Communication is key (defiently talk it over in person).. you all need to be communicating if he has nothing to hide then the girls he talk s to shouldn't be an issue in conversation. Bring it up but not in an argumentative way. The way I see things is you should definitely try to rekindle your love when he comes back . You are married and you took vows..which i think people take for granite.. you should talk the situation out and do all in your will to try and make it work . If you all are first loves that means a whole lot to .. its still there u just have to re-new it ... If this then fails at least you know you tried. You cant force something that is no longer there. It might even build you guys stronger to be apart and who knows what the future holds... What is to be will be!! Good luck and look to the sky !!

Answer 4

You do have a huge problem. Your husband should not be talking to other females in the manner which you described. It is just wrong. You need to talk to him when he comes home and work on finding out if you can put your relationship back together. Love is something that can be rekindled, but you have to willing to both try. First and foremost, do not be influenced to make a decision based on anything you read here. Make your decision based on what you and your husband can come to terms with. Can you forgive??? Did you get married forever? Where do you want to be in ten years ??? Irag has changed many "Big Time" but, that in no way diminishes your vows. Each person in a relationship will change many many times over the years, but the person we marry/love is still there. Happiness is what you chose to make it. Good Luck.

Answer 5

As far as the buddylist goes, forget it, it is all in fun, that's just the way chat buddies talk. that's why you have chat buddies, to help brighten someones day. If you think divorce is the answer, think about it a little more. Just because you aren't happy? it isn't his place to make you happy, you married for the romance and not the love , now that he has quit romancing you, you want to pitch the towel in and try and find someone else to romance you, if you don't get that need for romance out of your system and make yourself happy, it will be a never ending search for romance. where in the wedding vows did it say he will make you happy, love , honor and cherish, no happy there. you thought having a b/f would make you happy, it didn't, then you thought getting married would make you happy, it didn't then you thought having a child would make you happy, it didn't now you think a divorce will make you happy, it won't. did it ever occur to you to look inside you for happiness? your husband is in Iraq, putting his life on the line and the best you can do is complain about some other females giving him some much needed attention when all you desire to do is complain about your needs not getting met. if divorce is the only way out for you, do it as quickly as possible before more kids are spawned, your husband might have a shot at a decent life when you quit sucking the life right out of him. this may sound brutal but I get so tired of poor pitiful me stories. you should be counting your blessings but the best you can do is complain oh well , good luck.......

Answer 6

First off, you are "practically newlyweds" and he's coming home from Iraq. Of course that changed him, big time. The most important thing to remember is he is coming home to you and needs "you", his wife to be there and help him deal with what he has gone through. Now is the perfect time to try going back to being "the people you were" when you were first together. If you really want your marriage to work, don't let little things like the Internet destroy your life's dreams. Be supportive and understanding of him when he first gets home and try and be your "old self" as best you can. Give it time, if you see him going back to his old ways on the Internet, once he's back home and settled, then will be the time to put your foot down and say you've had enough. Until then, try to find who you were when you guys first got together, be there for him and try to understand that you will have no idea or understanding of what he actually went through, but it's okay, he just needs stability right now.

Answer 7

Girl please beleive me when I say this, I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!! When I was deployed, I found out that my husband and my best friend were talking. When I say talking I dont mean just comversations on the planets....I mean TALKING. I asked them both about it and they both said nothing was going on that they were just talking. So for a few months I was asking him why and trying to get her to tell me why but they both just made it seem like I was blowing things out of wack. So I gets back home and he deploys and I then find out that they had been talking back and forth since 2004 and we have been married since 2002!!!! Girl I almost lost my damn mind. They had been emailing each other, sending instant messages and making late night phone calls all the time. This was all happening the first time he deployed, 2003, during my deployment and even when I was home....they were doing this right under my nose and I had no idea!!!!! Now that I have found out she wont return my calls and he has admitted to everything and said he cant let me go. He said that he made the worst mistake of his life and he doesnt know why he did it, but I just cant let go. Everyday this thing kills me girl. He broke my heart . I thought that man loved me and was satisfied being with me. Im telling you this to say.... girl I just-dont-know!!!! I have debated back and forth so many times if I should leave him or not but just like the two of you, we also have a son and I dont want to take the only father he has ever known away from him. But as far as this marriage thing, I just dont know. All I can tell you is to pray and ask God for guidance. I know you may not want to hear that but trust me, thats what I have to do. Sometimes it hurts so badly all I can do is pray. It hurts physcially, my body hurts!!!! Although God has not told me to leave my husband, thats all I want to do. Thats whats in my heart. I think about it constantly and I feel like leaving would be the best thing for me. Then I think about my son and how much I love that man and it all changes. He is deployed right now so maybe when he returns he will want to leave me....you know they say anthing when they are deployed only because of where they are. I hope this has helped. Just to know that I wasnt alone in this matter gave me some type of stability. I hope I have done that somewhat for you.

Answer 8

Don't blame it on IRAQ honey....you knew when you married your husband that he was in the service. The military life is difficult on married couples. It also sounds like you want to close the door but as you well know....all those medical benefits, housing, etc...will all go to the way side if you decide to call it quits with the big D.

I would suggest you get counseling 1st. You have some major issues in your own head that have popped up.

Then after you get your head on straight...enter into couples counseling maybe even seeing a sex therapist to help put that spark back into the fire gone out relationship.

Divorce shouldn't be your answer at this point!

Answer 9

Wait until he comes home, that gives you time to really think things over. Also, let him know what you know about the other women he has been in contact with and that this is not acceptable behaviour, he wouldn't accept that sort of behaviour from you, would he?
When he gets home reinforce the fact that things have to change or your marriage is over, at least then you can say you didn't just up and leave him when he was away fighting for his country. As a wife you are under as much pressure as he is and deserve the same consideration and respect

Answer 10

War changes people as you wrote. What used to be normal isn't normal and what you thought was real becomes a joke because one realizes that he/she could die any moment.

You need to go get counseling. I'm not copping out from helping you but you and your husband need to go seek professional help. Viet Nam proved that many marriages will fail when the man goes to war and comes back a different person. Unless someone in this board is a professional, you're not going to even make a dent in your problem.

One thing for sure is that your problem is extremely complicated and big. It's nothing that you can solve immediately. So the sooner you get professional help, the better off you are.

If there is one word of advice, I can tell you this much. Love isn't a feeling that comes and goes. Love is the act of sacrificing oneself for the sake of others. Like a mother sacrifices herself for a newborn, knowing that she will not get anything in return. That is sacrifice. As you sacrifice your life for your husband, the pain of sacrifice will turn to the joy of giving. And that is what love is about. Remember love isn't a feelig. It's not a warm fuzzy cozy thing. It's brutal sacrifice. It takes a lot of energy and understanding. It requires forgiveness and that's something not bred into our DNAs. But don't give up because if you run from this, you'll end up running into the same monsterous problem in the future, only to run and run and run. I've been there. Done that. And I tell you that it all starts by accepting my own faults and humbling myself in front of God. If you don't believe in God, that's fine too. Just remember what I wrote to you about love.

Answer 11

Don't do anything until he gets back. After being gone so long you both have changed. Work on getting to know each other again. Let him know how you feel about him talking to other girls and let him know it must stop. I was told along time ago if you have to question...should you leave, you are not ready. Do you want to live the rest of your life without him? If you can answer yes with no doubt.....It is time. IF you have any doubt the marriage still has a chance.
I had doubt 9 years ago, thank God. We both wanted it and worked hard and are very glade we didn't give up!
Good Luck...Listen to your heart.