I feel so weak and worthless...?

Question

Basically I am a long term alcoholic with OCD, self harm disorder, long term depression and otherr ptoblems it's best not mentioning.

Today I had 14 beers - I have not drunk properly in months and now I feel drunk, dizzy and sick. I have not gone into my usual 24 beers and pass out cycle so (perhaps) I am less addicted than I I thought. Then again I wrote a (crappy) poem today:

This is not what I want to say
The words I need won't come
I can't ask you to stay
And abandon your place in the sun

You know that I'm falling
And falling fast it's true
It's not the first time I've fallen
From grace, from favour, for you

Now I am reclaiming
My part in this thrice blighted day
It's myself I'm blaming
Because I can't ask you to stay
- EKL 2006

I have considered becoming a priest of some kind - will this make me less hollow?
Also I thought I was over her but I still occasionally feel for her 8 years after I last saw her. Is this normal? Is there such a thing?

Alcohol is not the real issue here - I can handle booze (Lord knows I have learned to cope with this). I need to improve everything and going without a beer or 5000 won't alter anything aside my level of sobriety - I need to improve my whole life before I just give in and kill myself. Any ideas?

Answer 1

Gosh I feel bad for you...sounds like a hardcore case of depression. It's so easy for other people to just tell you to seek therapy, isn't it? I have lifelong bipolar disorder, so I know how it feels to have been down in the depths of depression...thankfully for me, I eventually snap out of it and go into "happy" mode. In my experience, talking to a therapist has not helped. They ask me a million questions, write them all down and make me feel like a science project, give me a prescription, and send me on my way -- all for $175 for a 30 minute appointment. I have found that when there is a constant vague feeling of depression for seemingly no reason, it is because I have suppressed that reason. Identify the sources of your unhappiness. For me, I finally realized that it was about three different instances in my past that had changed my mindset or my innocence in some way -- made me jaded to the world. I'm still working on it, but I'm hoping to confront and forgive or be forgiven by the people involved. And yeah, I've had my heart broken and I still have feelings years later, so it's perfectly normal. If you have self-esteem issues, work on something that you enjoy and that you are good at -- don't worry if you fail at first, practice makes perfect. Help others or be a friend. It's almost impossible to feel low about yourself if you know you are good at something or worth something to someone. If your self-esteem is in the dumps because you are worried about what people think of you, then don't be. Look at people who are stupid and unattractive and have confidence -- if they have it, then why shouldn't you? Basically, you need to recognize meaning in your life. It's already there, you just need to find it. All right, enough Dr. Phil crap from me. Good luck and bless you.

Answer 2

Maybe you should get therapy or become your own therapist.
But nothing and nobody is going to fill your hole for you.
Becoming a priest is only an option if your heart is calling you that way and i doubt if you can really hear or process what your heart says when you drown it in alcohol all the time.
You only have 2 choices really you can be drunk and linger in pain and be really selfish and self-absorbent, or you can get help get sober deal with the monster under your bed.
No matter how much you drink how hard you run you know in your sober moments the boogieman won't go away until you tell him to.

By the way alcohol is the real issue because it doesn't allow your brain to fully function so you can feel the pain and process it in a proper way.
You have a serious case of low self image.
If you knew half how precious beautiful and unique we all are you wouldn't commit slow suicide by poisoning your body every day.

Answer 3

Feelings are funny. I don't think the pain goes away really, if we want it, it's there for us, we just have to reach out and touch it. Sometimes it reaches out and touches us... I'm sorry if it's got you, maybe it'll clear soon?

Dark poetry can help diffuse bad energy to an extent I guess, solidity a negative feeling. Just keep at it, I will flatter you and say you're not so bad. Reminds me of a friend I once knew...

Become a priest? Do you have it in you? Who can say if you'd be less hollow? Find anything you can achieve, anything to help you just live happily, that'd be enough.

If you're still missing her after eight years, that's your life, your feelings. If you feel it, it's valid... it must be as familiar an old friend to you by now.

Answer 4

just remember one thing you've only got one life!! when you've gone you can't come back and when you die you'll regret the things you didn't do. think of all those people who are dieing or who have died and who would have done anything to live their lives longer. one life so live it! there is always someone worse off than you remember that! one life!!!!

Answer 5

quit that **** gd it that stuff is bad for you i think drinking can kill you. ive tryed it it waz nasty take care of your self

Answer 6

I FEEL THE SAME

Answer 7

well, who doesn't