my marriage, all advise is welcome..please help me?

Question

I have been married for 8 years we have no children. My husband changes jobs a few times a year and he lies to each of these companies. He went as low as to tell one of them that his parents died. I have caught him in several lies. Last year we were actually tring to get pregnaunt from Aug 05 to almost the end of Dec 05. I never got pregnaunt. He had some arrguments and then it got to the point like it has in the past that he thretens divorce, takes his wedding ring off at me, says I am a waste of his time, the marriage is a waste of time, he has packed up a suitcase and his truck and has thretend to leave. I went after him a few times. Now I don't. I love him but I feel like I deserve more. We have had sex 2 times this YEAR!!! I do not think that I am ugly. He has told me in the past that he does not think that we are connected anymore. I am scared to be by myself. All of my family and family friends wonder why I am still with him. Please help me I don't know what to do anymore.

Answer 1

what the heck are you waiting around for...to be beaten up? GEt the hell out of this mess and find someone who is in love with you. You are wasting both your time and ours. You know it, we know it.

Answer 2

I was in a similar situation in my marriage (now divorced) . Although, we had two children , so that actually made it harder. I was like you for a long time - scared to death to be by myself. When I thought it through I realized I didn't NEED him, but I was in a comfort zone (even though he made me miserable). After all, I'd been with him all my adulthood.I had moved straight from home with my parents at 18 into marriage with him, so I didn't know HOW to live on my own... Not have someone there with me (when he was actually there) It took some time.. but I realized life would be alot easier if I was living my own life, and not being treated the way he was. I got lonely at times, but I went out and made friends, got a job - and that all helped, and I felt SO much better about myself, and was so happy... Everyone can tell you you should get out and you deserve better, and you do.. But it has to be when you are ready and strong enough to walk away (otherwise you will keep going back to the same thing happening). Just realize, and keep telling yourself there IS life out there - and it can be better if you let it. And I'm sure you will have friends and family as a support group to help you through it (very important) But there's no point in being unhappy and treated wrong, when there's a whole world out there, and someone who will treat you the way you deserve.. Just take time to find yourself and enjoy the whole new world you will discover before you get involved with another man .. Best of luck :)

Answer 3

Here is my thoughts.

1. You have to decide if you feel there is any chance of him coming back to the relationship in a positive way. If you feel their is a chance then you need to seek help in one form or another. Counceling, Religious whatever will work for you and him. If he refuses to go then you have your answer.
2. Can you support yourself without his paycheck whatever little that may be. If no then consider staying in the relationship but start taking some classes to build your skill set so when you do break out on your own you will be able to support yourself. Continuing education can also be a great way to meet other people.
3. If he does not want help and if you can support yourself ok without him. Let him go. Next time he threatens to leave, when he hands you his ring take it, offer to help him pack his bags and show him the door.

No matter what you do you have to make sure you think things all the way through before making drastic moves. Unless it truly is physically abusive. Then, just get out, get away and pick up the peices after the fact from a safe distance. But talk to professionals as to the best way to do that as well.

Answer 4

It is normal to be scared to be by yourself especially after having been married for 8 years. That whole being alone part was the worst thing when my first marriage ended after 7 years. And not only the fear of loneliness but also your so unsure who you are without that relationship. The fact is you know your relationship is over and that you deserve more but fear of the unknown is keeping you from moving forward with your life. Divorce is never easy and there are a lot of feelings still involved even when you know the relationship is over and you need to move on. I can tell you though that as hard as is it is getting through this the end result is worth it. There are other far better relationships out there waiting for you.

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear this. My husband was similar in some ways. He probably has really brought you self estem down. If I were you I would take your families advise. They know whats best for you and they want you to be happy. Believe me this man will never change and you should be happy that you two do not have children. If yoy did I bet my life on it that he would still treat you the same. It may even get worse. I would stay away from him for awhile and make him wonder about what your doing. You need to stand up to him, make him not expect it becasue he knows how you are and what you all about. He loves it . It gives him control. I know if you act like you don't give a **** he will stop and think about the **** he does to you. He will get scared and come crawling back. I know because been there. Turn the tables around and never let him see you upset because that is what he wants. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Even though you're afraid to be alone, remember all your family and friends that are wondering why you're still with him and lean on them. They will be happy to lend a shoulder and a listening ear. I'm against divorce unless it's for infidelity but as soon as your man starts treating you like this, he is being unfaithful to the vows he made when you got married. Maybe there's a reason God has kept you from having children. Take this as a sign and get out! You obviously deserve better than what he is giving you. Don't take no for an answer. Go stay at a friend or family members home, but don't tell him who. Take a breather, then take back your life!

Answer 7

He is not ready to settle down with you. He is not mature at all. And I would say that he is cheating on you. Why else would he not want to have sex with you everyday if he is true to you. I think you have wasted 8 years of your life with this looser. The next time he acts like he is going to go, help him pack and tell him to hurry up and get out or you will call the law on him for domestic cruelty by emotional distress. Look for a man that will treat you like a queen everyday. Start looking now, cause I think he has done the same to you long ago. Don't get pregnant what ever you do. That would suck for everyone involved. Good luck.

Answer 8

I think you should consider marriage counseling. It is not a cure all, but it will provide you a safe place to talk with your husband about how you are feeling and a place to be honest. a lot of times the things that break couples up are the littlest things that can be resolved if you just talk about it. The problem is both parties are to stubborn to be the first one to confront the other.
It sounds like there are issues with your husband that need to be confronted, so I would suggest finding a marriage councilor, not a family member to discuss your problems with. Sometimes having someone on the outside look at the problem brings light to issues that are hard to deal with.

Answer 9

Being scared of being alone is sooooo normal! Think of it this way...would you rather be with him in a miserable relationship or alone where you can be happy? Sometimes it is best to lose that ugly baggage. Especially when you know that you are a worthy person. Shame on him for making life so difficult for you. I find myself repeating myself in all of my answers, but, I too was in an abusive relationship (you do realize that you are, don't you?) and have found that once I got away from him that my life turned for the better. You are just scared of the unknown, which can be truly wonderful if you let it!

Answer 10

You need to leave. Its not easy, I know. But it is what you need to do. And do not have children with him. Be glad that you do not. That would complicate this 100x. No one deserves a man like this.

It will not be easy. He will try and stop you. He will be angry. He will blame it on you. He will do everything he can to stop you, even cancelling your credit cards and emptying your bank account. He might even hurt you physically.

You need to decide to leave. Get a plan, someplace to go. Get all your CASH together and away from him. Get all your legal documents - birth certificate, marriage certificate - everything. You will need these in case you need to get a protective order against him.

Most importantly you need to leave and not look back. Don't cave in. Be strong and realize no matter what he says or does it will not change him. He will promise you the moon but it means nothing. Leave and leave soon.

Good luck. (This is the right thing to do - Do It!)

Answer 11

Sounds to me like you DO deserve better than that!! Being alone is a hard pill to swallow, but being miserable with the man you are with is worse. I have been there and done that. My ex husband was very mentally abusive, we had three children and he wanted more, but couldn't keep a job just as your husband does, he lied and we ended up moving alto (mostly being evicted, how embarrassing). I finally found the courage to leave him (oh yeah and he was unfaithful over and over) and since me and the kids left it has been four years. We are doing much better. We are happier. I have not moved any more. I am lonely at times, but the loneliness does not feel as bad as it felt to be with him.