How do you respectfully tell your Grandma it is time to live in a nursing home?

Question

My grandama had a stroke 2 years ago we had her in assisted living for the last 2 years. However last month she fell down and fractured her hip and now she has to be in a wheelchair. The staff think she has gone past the type of care that they offer at assited living and she needs more of a 1 on 1 nursing home to tend to her.
She is very stubborn and hates the fact she has to be in assited living to beguin with, she thinks she is the temproraily and will be back to her old life pre-stroke but this is untrue. One time I accidently asked how her nursing home is and she got angry and said don't ever cal lit that and hung up on me.

How do I let her know that we need to move her to this new place.. She is not going to take it well.

She lives in Florida, and thinks where I live is too cold. So moving her up with me is not an option. We also sold her condo, to help pay for the assitance.

Please do not tell me to Grow up like one of you did. I hope you are never faced with htis type of decision!

Answer 1

I really feel for you, this is a very hard thing to go through. My family went through the same experience last year with my grandmother.

My grandmother had cancer and it basically debilated her. She was unable to walk or do any of her daily living activities.


You can try to explain to your grandmother that you can no longer provide the care for her that she requires and tell her that you are doing so because you love her and want her to have the proper care and just hope that she will understand. This will most likely be one of the hardest things you've ever done, but you are doing the right thing knowing she will have the care she needs.

Good Luck and God Bless.

P.S. I think some of these answers are pretty harsh. It is a very hard decision and people don't really understand unless they have lived through it with a loved one. There are situations when we just are not physically capable of giving the proper care to a person with sickness or illness. Try not to let some of the responses discourage you.

Answer 2

I feel sorry for you, honey, and for your Grandmother. If it is a decision that is up to you, and if it were my Granny, I would put her in a nursing home. She does need more attentive care at this point in time. However, be aware that she will not get "1 on 1" nursing care in a nursing home unless you hire a sitter for her. The nurses in those facilities have a wing of patients to medicate and take care of and the nurses-aides are usually overworked also. You will have to do alot of research to choose one that is right for you. I would also contact an umbudsman (intermediary for helping the elderly-help with abuse cases and other issues) and get his/her help in placing your grandmother. They will know which facilities are the best. If you can afford to have a sitter with her during the day, hire one for say 4 hrs. a day, or one 8-hr shift during the day. Maybe just for a few weeks until Granny gets out of the wheelchair and on her feet. She could also go into a "rehab' facility, which would help her walk again. Some of these places are located in the nursing homes and then she could just make an easy transition and you can say "you're going to rehab, Granny"...she will not be offended.

Do not feel guilty. You cannot take care of your grandmother alone. This is a tough job even for a professional nurse. Older people have different needs. If you want her to live and thrive, call the "umbudsman" and they will help you. You can get the information from any nursing home you might be considering. Just call them and ask for the phone number.

If your grandmother has had a stroke, she's probably not capable of making full decisions on her own. She may also not have the same personality as she had before; and be alot more emotional. It would be good to have someone you can trust to help the communication between you and Grandma, like a professional umbudsman.

God bless you both.

Answer 3

That situation is always a tough one to decide. My siblings and mother faced that several years ago with our own grandmother. But my grandmother had altsheimers and dementia and the move from a assisted living to a nursing home was rather painless on my grandmothers part. But it hurt us to see her in one of those places. It sounds like your grandmother still has her right mind am I right? If I am right, the deceision is going to be real tough on you. Is there anyone else in the family willing to let her live with them? If not, then the only option you have is to be realistic with her. Explain that she can't have her old place again because it was sold and nothing will be the same as she remembered it to be. Tell her change doesn't have to mean bad; let her know that change could be a good thing. Tell her what events she could belong to at the home and tell her she could meet some really nice people there and make friends. Reassure her that she is not abandoned or forgotten by her loved ones and reassure her that you and your other family members will visit her as often as you can.
Regardless of how you put things, be prepared that she could get mad or upset. But if you tell her she is loved and give her a hug or kiss, and make good on your promises, everything should turn out. Too many people don't care about the elderly much these days. I applaud you for caring so much about your grandmother! Good luck and may God Bless you Both!

Answer 4

What about home health care, it is a lot better (especially for the Grandma!) if she can be left at her own home and have someone come in and care for her. Find a reliable person (family or a friend of family) clearly state the needs... laundry, dishes, meals prepared, medicine delivery, light housework. And then explain that you think that she needs more help than what you can provide. There is no reason why your Grandma can't stay home and NOT go to a Nursing Home. My Mom is a Home Health Care Provider and she has taken care of Cancer patients, stroke victims, even one woman who was bed ridden and pretty much in a coma. You should really ask yourself how would you feel if you were forced to go somewhere, where the food isn't what you want, you have no privacy (sometimes they have to share a room, plus there are caretakers, cleaners and strangers who come popping in all the time) then a set schedule, you don't get to go do what you want to do all day long, she would be restricted have a curfew and also I don't know if you know this, but you might look it up Do you know how many elderly women are raped in Nursing Homes? That is a very scary thought and there is no way I would send me Grandma off to one of those places ESPECIALLY when I KNOW that is not what SHE WANTS.

Answer 5

There is only 2 nursing homes within a 100 mile radius of Waco out of approx. 100, that I would put any of my family into. The staffing is terrible, there is no one on one, even tho they may say there is, the facilities for the most part are over 10 years old and are not well kept. My experience with nursing staff in these places are that they get the nurses that are too lazy or burnt out to work in a high volume, fast paced hospital or facility like a physician clinic. Now, nurses, don't get your feathers ruffled, this is my experience here. I have worked in EMS(Ambulance) for over 16 years and I have had more than one experience being called to a nursing home(911) with respiratory distress and the patient has a mask on with 4-5 litres of O2. And they don't understand why the patient is turning blue and getting worse since they put the oxygen on them. I have some close friends that are RN's and they work at nursing homes and they are trying to change some of the old habits of the staff at those homes. One is going well, the others not so well. Personally, it is a financial and emotional battle to keep someone at home, but in the end, you will like yourself more if you can work it out that way. What does your mom and dad think about grandma? My grandmother was put in the nursing home by my aunt and she lasted about 2 weeks. She had spent one week in the hospital and they sent her to the nursing home. She was 98 years old and worked in her flower beds every day until the week she went into the hospital. Worst case scenario most likely, but that is how she did. It is a hard and personl decision to make, but you will always have help if you look to the Lord and ask for it. He will let you make the right choice. Let us know how it goes for you.

Answer 6

I think you should turn over the decision to your grandmother. After all it's her life. Just tell her that the assisted living facility says she may not be able to live there anymore and what would she like to do. Maybe she just wants the control in her life. Try to empower her. She might be scared of a nursing home. Try to have options for her to choose from and ask her if she has any other ideas. If you are willing for her to live with you then give her that option if not don't give her that option. Do it in person. Maybe you could have some information from some other living facilities that she could look through. She may say she wants to go to a home that provides more aid. She is old not stupid, when left with the options she will make the right decision for her. Good luck. (i didn't read all the responses, I hope this isn't a repeat)

Answer 7

I'm sorry someone told you to grow up. You are right this is one of those situations you hope nobody will ever have to go through.Your Grandma is longing for the freedom she once had and does not like the finality of a nursing home. Try to find a nursing home that is more resort like. There are many out there. They have places for them to garden and walk and buses to take them places when they are physically able. Then instead of telling your grandma she is moving to a nursing home(since she does not like that term) Tell her you think she would be happier in a more advanced/modern facility and highlight the pluses she would enjoy. Things that make her feel young and vibrant. Ask her opinion on these things, the one thing we forget is that they are still people and were once our guides and controllers. It is very hard to allow your children and grandchildren run everything. She needs to feel like her feelings matter and like she has a say. I would tell her you think there are much nicer places she could live and would she be willing to move if you could find something together that is more suited to her needs? Tell her you want her to make the decision since this involves her happiness and comfort. She just needs to know she has a say in how and where she lives. Really listen. The whole thing in a nut shell is she does not want to be concidered for the morgue just yet. And she feels as if no one careswhether she is happy or not. I'll pray for guidance for you in this endeavor. Good Luck!

Answer 8

ask her first what her long term plans are. She might have already thought about it. then ask her if she would consider going along to an open day to see what the nursing home is like. The staff at the new place should be willing to help you convince her to have a look.

Get all the written information you can about the place and give it to her. Tell her you love her alot, and are worried that she might not be safe where she is anymore, and you worry she might hurt herself again and not be noticed by anyone in time. Promise her you will visit on a regular basis, and if possible, take her out alot more. She probably craves escape every now and then. Ask her doctor to also bring it up with her. It can be very hard for older people to cope with losing mobility. that's what scares her the most. Keep reasuring her, and she will eventually accept change. Good luck.

Answer 9

I have also heard about the cruise. It's cheaper and someone will care if you fall out of bed! And she will still be enjoying life. Maybe she needs a nursing home for awhile until she can walk again but after that let her make her own decision. Just remember...nursing homes really do not offer 1 on 1 care. There are so many patients and not too many CNAs and LPNs to take care of them. Just talk to her and tell her that her assisted living home cannot help her and tell her that she can move into a nursing home or move in with you (if you have the money for a private nurse to come in a few hours daily).

Answer 10

This is going to be difficult-no easy answer here but just concentrate on doing what's best for your grandmother.You can refer not as it being a nursing home -for carries a picture of being a dismal place where old people go to die and all personal freedom taken away but rather as a "Personal Care Home" and depending on what you're able to pay some are very nice ,with caring staff and activities-such as outings etc. You may also get some brochures-for the nice ones also have brochures showing the pretty grounds, etc. and leave them laying around for her to find and look at unless she's open to looking at them with you-which would be better. Most old people have this fear that once they go to the "nursing"home they'll gradually be forgotten, left alone to die and it is this fear that is making her rebel against Even the idea of it. You and all other family members must do all you can to reassure your grandmother that the family will still be there and give her examples of family schedule -time spent with Grandmother and have all the family members sign as agreement-can get a pretty card and include in the inside of it. Can also arrange visit so she can see and adjust herself before she goes there and also important that you find out what and how much of personal items she can take with her-favorite chair maybe etc. Good luck,hope my suggestions will help and I'll include you and your grandmother in my prayers.

Answer 11

I'm so sorry to hear that you are stuck in this situation. I, too, am struggling with my 98-year-old grandmother's condition.

My grandmother has lived alone for over 40 years, and she is as stubborn (and downright mean sometimes) as they come. For us, the most problematic part is that my mother and uncle (her only two children) both died in 1994, so my father and aunt are not blood relatives. My father does hold a power of attorney, so we are legally able to force the move on her, but so far have not.

After several years of pursuasion, 2 broken hips, a crushed knee, one fractured leg and two house fires (that she unintentionally set), we have given up, and I will tell you why. As old as she is, and as stubborn as she is, she is still an adult. By choosing to stay at home, she is choosing whatever life (and death) comes along with it, and my family has finally reached a peace with that decision.

As far as a new way to convince her, try this on for size. It's the only argument that has had any influence with my grandmother. I told hersomething to this effect, "Grandma, it's not that we want you to leave your home, or that we don't want you to be happy. I would never have you live in a place that would be unhealthy or painful for you in anyway, and it hurts me that you think I might. My biggest concern is that someday you will slip and fall down the stairs and not be able to get yourself to safety. I'm worried that you'll leave the oven on and the house will catch fire while you are taking a nap. There are a lot of scenarios that you think you can handle, but my biggest concern is regarding the situations that you CANT handle. Not only would all of those be horrible experiences for you, but I don't know that I could live with myself knowing that I could have prevented it."

This may be a bit of a guilt trip, but it will force her to realize that this isn't a fun decision for you either, and perhaps make her consider the horror of each of those potential situations. I also understand that it is a slightly smaller step from assisted living to a nursing home, but you can tailor this statement to fit her situation.

I hope that you have better luck with this than my family did. If you need any more advice, please feel free to email me! Good Luck!