My wife was raped when she was 16. She told me when we were dating and we’ve now been married ten years. This happened 15 years ago. The man who raped her was 21 and since it was a small town, I know him. At a very minimum, he committed statutory rape but it was even worse then that. He took her out on a boat, got her drunk to the point she was vomiting and had his way with her. She did not report it and blames herself for being so “stupid” as to put herself in that situation. I am relieved she has put it behind her but I don’t think she ever really dealt with it emotionally. I don’t know why it still bothers me but it infuriates me to think of what he did to her. I too sometimes feel like a retroactive victim because to this day, my wife is not very affectionate with me and I think she still needs to heal. For a long time, she was very cold about sex and affection and I think this incident is largely to blame. She just wants to “forget it.” How can I convince her that she
2006-06-06 05:56:43 · 12 answers · asked by happilyeverafter 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Dude, this is your wife's problem to deal with not yours. You are making things worse by making yourself the victim and robbing her of her feelings. The best thing you can do for your wife is to let it go and just be supportive. If she wants counseling then great but at this point in her life it is her choice how to deal with it not yours. As for you maybe you need your own counseling to deal with your feelings. Turning yourself into a victim in regards to something that happened to someone else is not healthy. I think your feelings are more at issue here than your wife's and you need help dealing with them before you ruin your relationship with your wife over this.
2006-06-06 06:15:23 · answer #1 · answered by rkrell 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a couple, you need to seek counseling, it should relieve a lot of anxiously that you both have. Hopefully it will help her become a more affectionate woman for you. Since you live in a small town, seek your help in a neighboring town. Counselors won't reveal your dilemma in your town, but a neighboring town may just help you feel more comfortable.
2006-06-06 13:03:44 · answer #2 · answered by choppercam1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
simply put. i think you should create the most romantic night she could never imagine. whether it be at home or a get-away. Show her how beautiful it all can be with someone who loves her deeply. It could possibly over rule the feelings of shame and filth that rape leaves attached to a girl. But then again, I've never been raped, and i would never try to pretend like i understand what that feels like. But you should give my suggestion a try, i would do it in your situation. What do you have to lose?
2006-06-06 13:03:50 · answer #3 · answered by James 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What she needs more than anything from you is love,,, lots and lots of love, and support. She most likely has never dealt with this incident, but it continuing to bother you, and keep thinking about it, doesn't help her to forget it. Go ahead with your life, and leave this behind, for the both of you. Just love her, and be gentle with her. Let her see that not all men are like him. Good Luck!!
2006-06-06 13:02:31 · answer #4 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try having her go to counseling, both with you and without you. She has a lot of issues with this incident still and by going with her, you are showing her that you are supporting her, but you also need to let her go by herself so she can talk with the couselor without worrying about upsetting you and she can release all the emotions she still has inside about this incident. The important thing is that she deals with the incident and you are there to support her 110%.
2006-06-06 13:01:18 · answer #5 · answered by intelligentaphrodite 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that both of you should seek professional help to deal with this tragic issue that way you can both move on with your lives. She in no way to blame for what happened Rape is Rape and she was taken advantage of in an awful way. I hope it works out for you both
2006-06-06 13:04:02 · answer #6 · answered by dave g 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just let it go as it was in the past and if she can get past it then move on... You both need help and counseling and maybe even see a sex therapist... Marriage counseling may help as well.... I have been there in my first marriage and it hurt us alot... I was raped as a child and brought the pain into my first marriage and it was not good!
2006-06-06 13:02:53 · answer #7 · answered by Fast Steve 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
been there and done that scene.... takes a long time and lots of love to get thru it...... it does sound like she needs a little prof. help tho....... you need to sit down and explane to her how you feel about all this...... reassure her that it was NOT her fault and that you dont blame her and that is was not about the sex... rape is a power thing....... but you prob. know all that...... talk openly and honestly with her about it all...... start to finish....... you can not do anything legally prob. but you can take back control of your lives....... she has to learn to take herself back...... this jerk took a beautiful thing and made it ugly, and in the far back of her mind she still sees love making or sex as a dirty thing... I did !!
Please talk to her and see if you can get her to go get help....... be with her if that is how ya'll decide to handle it... do it as a team........... God bless
2006-06-06 13:08:16 · answer #8 · answered by Annie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she shouold find group supprt for victims of sexual abuse/violence. she needs professional help dealing with what has happened to her. SHE IS NOT TO BLAME. this was done TO her. She did not LET this happen. You may want to try counseling together. you are a good man for sticking with her and being concerned enough to want to help her.
2006-06-06 13:03:57 · answer #9 · answered by fiveflowersbloomin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She needs professional help.
You are a good husband.
2006-06-06 13:04:56 · answer #10 · answered by Simply Lovely 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋