How can i ever mourn for my best friend , when i never knew that she was sick?

Question

My best friend of 13 yrs. died on Valentines Day of 2006. I never knew she had cancer. I never received a phone call. I never thought that she would be gone. We hadn't talked since November of 2005 but we were still friends, or so i thought we were. Maybe she didn't want me to know that she was dying? I always thought that she was the stongest person i have ever met. When i went to her funeral and saw her lying in that cold box not smiling, not breathing, i didn't know what to do. I had my mother on one arm and my little sister on the other and my boy-friend standing behind me, all holding me up.Why did she never tell me that she was sick? Was our friendship not really a friendship? I am so overwelmed by this, could anyone out there help me?

Answer 1

More than likely she did not tell you for two reasons. The first was to protect your feelings. If you didn't know, her last months wouldn't be tainted by you knowing they were her last months. Beyond that, it was probably hard enough dealing with her own feelings on the matter...having you talking to her about yours would only make it harder. Perhaps also she did not want your pity. Maybe she wanted you to remember her as she WAS, not as what the disease made her into. There are many reasons people don't tell you these things.

Maybe she drew upon you, and the fact that you didn't know, as a source of strength. "This is one person who sees me for who I was/am, not what I am doomed to become."

Consider this one moment of weakness in the life of the strongest person you'd ever met. Forgive her for it. Grieve, for you loved her, and she is gone.

Answer 2

You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of an old friend... she may not have wanted you to know that she was ill. If you hadn't talked in a few months, she just didn't want you all freaked out as you seem to be by her death... she was strong no doubt about it. she didn't call and whine to you etc... she did this on her own with maybe just a family member around... it may have been rather quick for her also... its hard to say...
I just lost a friend of 30 years and two weeks before we had been emailing one another and though I knew he was ill and probably dying he said he was feeling better... it is hard I know... At least you found out about the funeral and all, imagine if you hadn't even known that she passed which has happened to me, where several years later I had found out a friend of the past had died....
Your grief is normal and just remember all the good times the two of you shared. this is what went on my friends memorial stone from us...."To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die."~Thomas Campbell try to keep that in mind... Take care

Answer 3

Its never easy to lose someone close...I lost my mother 2 yrs ago when she died in her sleep. We didn't know she was sick either. And you will never know why she didn't tell you only she knows the answer. The first step is to be mad, get angry its OK. The second step is to accept the fact she is gone and you didn't get to say goodbye ( I'm still in that step...its hard). One day you will get through this and be a stronger person for it but only in your own time. But no matter what I'm sure her reasons were out of love for you whether it was right or wrong.

Answer 4

Maybe she didn't tell you because she did not want to worry you. Yes it probably would have been better to tell you she was sick but you can not dwell on the past and have to look to the future.

If you want to do something to remember her by then maybe donate to the cancer foundation in her name or plant some flowers in your yard in rememberance of her. I know it hurts to lose someone you love but it does get better. The love and memory of her does not go away but each day will get a little better with the pain.

If you really can't shake off the depression you should seek some counseling. Maybe talk to your mom about it or go to a therapist. It might help you move past this and help you better understand your pain and grief.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Answer 5

Hi, please don't condemn yourself. The past is gone and there is nothing you can do to change it. I lost my dad last month. I was traveling back home and before getting in the car I found out he was gone. He was asking for me and I never made it on time. I loved my dad and it was so hard to see him in that cold coffin, lying down as though he was sleeping. He had lung cancer and never suffered from it. He just left us silently and with no pain and I know my dad is happy now. I miss him but his love and presence are always with me. I don't know why your friend did not tell you. Maybe she loved you enough not to grieve you or maybe she thought she was going to get better but please sweet girl do not blame yourself.
You have a friend in Heaven who cares about you. Use this pain to reach out to others and know that one day you will see her again, in that land of no more tears.
Here's something that has always encouraged me.
"In the presence of troubles some use crutches, others...
grow wings"
A big hug

Answer 6

I believe your friend didn't think that you could handle it, didn't want to use her illness as leverage in the friendship, didn't want to be doted over, to constantly be reminded that she was sick. Sounds like you need to forgive her, and or yourself for a picked-on party first. Grief and mourning will come after this issue is resolved, all five stages of it in no particular order. May the Good Lord bless you and keep you.

Answer 7

Of course, you can show your love for her by mourning.

In the Beginning God created heavens and earth.
God gives you air to breathe and sunshine to enjoy.
God gives you water to drink and food to eat.
God gives you a wonderful body and sound mind, to live.
God loves you, and you are precious to Him.
Son of God died on the Cross to save us from condemnation.
Jesus’ love is boundless and everlasting.
We have the hope of Heaven through Jesus.
Life therefore has fantastic and glorious future!
(Digestion of above can even prevent depression and suicide attempt.)

Answer 8

My deepest sympathy, it still hurts no matter if you knew or not, cry if you need to. Maybe you could call or visit the family and support each other. Talk to a minister,etc. Try not to keep it bottled up, and morn how long you need to, don't allow others to tell you to quit morning. Again, my sympathy.

Answer 9

i comprehend that being unattractive or obese could be a situation, yet i will inform you one element and that i do no longer think of that some human beings will agree, no longer even you. yet being notably could be a handicap additionally, there is somebody available who's continually desirous to hold you down and attempting to make you seem below what you're. by means of fact they ar sooo jealous of you. i'm notably, and that i do no longer % my pals by means of ways they seem or in the event that they're obese, i % them by means of ways they're and how they manage me. The greater pals you have the greater suitable no longer rely what they appear as if.

Answer 10

Start writing down everything you are thinking and feeling. In a journal or notebook. Write down everything you remember about your friend, good times and bad. Write how you felt when you found out about the death. write down everything. go back and read it occasionally. do this every day. This is the way to help yourself.