if my boyfriend does not want to have sex is there a problem?

Answer 1

Hi Kelly, I'm Kate, a 38-year-old married woman. The second time around is working very well for me and I'm happily married, but I was married the first time to a man who never wanted sex. To this day I still don't know what the real deal was. But ultimately, sex became a deal-breaker with him and me. I hope you can learn something from my story.

When I married the first time I was 25, an average age for marriage. There were signs in my husband that I should have seen, but I was young, idealistic, naive, and I thought that love would conquer all. I thought, no problem, if we're not *that* close now, we'll become close over time. Wrong on all counts. Sex is a part of intimacy that you have to have in order to get close and stay close.

There were deeper problems with my husband other than sex, and they also went to the heart of intimacy. He didn't like to talk or communicate. He didn't like to kiss, hug or touch. Ultimately he gave me sex 3 times in 3 years when we were married, and the sex had tapered off considerably before that.

I should have seen what was going on, but I chose not to. I really wanted to be married, thought everything would work out, and assumed that he was normal, but he was not. There were issues there going back decades that no amount of love could erase. He would have had to have seen a psychotherapist to *begin* to heal.

So my advice to you is this: evaluate your relationship overall. If you and he are highly incompatible sexually, this might be a dealbreaker for the relationship. A good relationship means that you agree on major things like sex, housework, finances, children (to have or not), religion (to have or not), work, and leisure time. Disagree on one, and your relationship is in jeopardy; disagree consistently and without resolution on two or more and, I'm sorry to say, your relationship is doomed.

If your boyfriend talks to you, and likes to hug, touch, kiss, and cuddle, then the problem may be physical, like stress or something wrong with his plumbing. Go to a doctor, preferably an internist or urologist to rule out any physical complaints.

But if his problems are emotional, there is nothing you personally can do to fix him. He has to fix himself, and will probably need professional help.

I hope for your sake that you get everything resolved. Keep the lines of communication open and really listen to what he says. The tendency in all of us is to hear what we want to hear, what pleases us, what corresponds with our own hopes, dreams and wishes. Human sexuality is a complex thing. Good luck.

Cheers, K

Answer 2

has he had sex before??

I dont think there is any problem at all.

Answer 3

Yes he is seeing somebody else

Answer 4

maybe he's just nervous or stressed. maybe he's just not that sexual a person. if he really likes you it shouldn't be that big a deal. (as long as he still kisses, cuddles, etc.)

Answer 5

no, it depends on your age and his age, hes just nervous . give him time