How do you help someone deal with their abusive childhood?

Question

My boyfriend was beated by his dad on a regular basis as a child for as long as he can remember and he hasn't really dealt with any of it.I'm scared that he's just been bottling it up inside and that if he doesn't deal with it soon I won't be able to help him when it gets too much to handle.What can I do to encourage him to deal with this?He's nothing like his dad but you can tell that the events of his childhood affect every part of his life.I'm really scared for him.Please help

Answer 1

My first answer to you is, "why are you asking for help and not the boyfriend?" I would suggest you look up the meaning of being co-dependent to your significant other.

You are not doing anything "wrong" just stting yourself up for additional problems that may take a life time to deal with. They can become very destructive in a very subtle way.

You did not cause the problem with the boyfriend, you are not a therapist trained to treat the problem (this is why therapist and clients are not supposed to have intimate relationships while they are seeing each other professionally) and finally you are not responsible to "fix" the problem. To think that you are, means you are co dependent. You take on ownership of the problem.

Your boyfriend needs professional counseling at the very least. Family counseling at the very best. You need some counseling on how not to take his problems into your head. That just sucks you down the same never ending rabbit hole as he is in, and that means there are now two of you in the hole instead of just him.

Does this mean that you care any less for him? Absolutely not! It means that you value your relationship and that you want the very best chance of helping him resolve his issues (they are his, as he is the one packing them around and still is affected by them) Give him space to come to his own conclusions. And yes, these unresolved issues will affect him for his entire life and those around him to include children for generations if not taken care of. It is called "dysfunctional" we all carry some type of it with us throughout our lives, some have it bad and others have recognized the issues, try hard to come to grips and make life better.
So, what to do? Gently, but firmly insist on personal counseling, just for him alone and then after awhile, perhaps for you both together. No counseling, then your relationship will suffer.

Answer 2

Children usually respond to abuse in two ways after they grow up: They become like the offending parent, or they become the opposite of the offending parent.

Either one is a real problem. To survive, your bf developed emotional safety measures (based on his personality style). Once he got out of the environment, the old behaviors and perceptions still exist but are no longer needed.

There's also a bunch of emotions that he'd have to deal with:

1. Hurt (Why did my dad do this to me? I loved him!)

2. Anger (He wasn't supposed to do that, I didn't do anything wrong! What he did was evil!)

3. Fear (How am I supposed to treat my kids? Will I be like him? Can I ever trust anyone? Will others abuse me if they notice me?)

4. Self-disgust (I must be a terrible person, since my father beat me.)

5. Self-Isolation (I have to avoid people -- they'll abuse me like my dad; I'm undesirable and don't deserve friends anyway; I don't know how to act around people in a way they accept; I might accidentally abuse them and have to stay away to protect them)

You're right, I'm scared to imagine what it will be like when he finally "unbottles" things. There will be a lot to come out.

You don't want to pressure him. You do just want to create a "safe place" for him to be himself. You want to let him know you value him as a person and that he is worthwhile and loved.

You can give him the option to open up ("When you're ready to talk, I'm always ready to listen.") without pressuring him more. You can also encourage him to be strong and use his energy to help out others -- positive use of his strength as a man, rather than the negative use of strength that his father used on HIM.

(He probably will need to retrain himself to realize that "strength" is not an evil to be feared or a club to be wielded -- but a positive force that can protect, serve, guide, and love others.)

Your words suggest a lot of love for him, and I think you can create that safe place for him to finally let down the walls, over time.

Answer 3

I would recommend not pushing him to talk about it. Just let him know that your there for him, and willing to listen when and or if he does.
Making someone talk or deal with something like that just makes them feel pushed and thats not a good feeling for them to have. Maybe even being extra physical would help if its keeping him from touching and stuff. Just hold his hand on a regular basis, give him hugs. That kind of 'good touch' stuff, every once in awhile.

Answer 4

I had the same problem as a child and it lead to a lot of problems later in life and still does. There is hope though number one I learned to forgive my dad and also let it go. I cried a lot to my wife and was very self destructive for along Time. My wife stuck with me during the worst of times and we had children. Time and love helped me and I believe and hope it helps both of you. Stick it out with him and be there for him he will come around with love and time. Good luck

Answer 5

most people who were abused as a child and weren't too affected by the abuse usually are not like there abusers,the best way to deal with it is to confront the abuser if possible and safe, then just getting some type of counciling to allow him to espress his feelings about the abuser and to be assured that he was not responsible for the abuse he went through.

Answer 6

Let him know you know he's nothing like his dad, suggest professional help, ask if he'd like you to go with him? Let him know the benefits of getting help & that you admire him for doing so. Obviously his dad needed help & didn't get it- does he want to be like his father, encourage, support & understand.

Answer 7

First let him know that this problem HAS a solution. There are loads of methods that help. I like to meditate and use EFT on such stuff. Best of luck!

Answer 8

Get him to seek professional help. If he does get help go with him to the sessions. Be supportive and understanding.