How do you let go?

Question

My husband has cheated on me but I forgave him but eveytime we fuss I alway's bring up the time when he cheated and it just makes things worse then what they already are so he 's been gone for 3 days and I feel I ran him off by living the past

Answer 1

He cheated on you. If you keep bringing it up... you didn't forgive him.

Hun.. it isn't your fault.

I know a guy who tells me, "I don't think you are capable of trusting..." He feels this way because I don't trust him. I love him dearly and always will and chances are we could have made a wonderful relationship. I mean the chemistry is there and the emotion is there. He will probably be the greatest love of my life when it's all said and done. He wants to date but I absolutely refuse to go there with him because I do not trust that he is ever telling me the truth about anything.

The reason for that is that he is always telling me little lies. Nothing huge... we have never been in a position where there was a need for him to tell me big lies. He lies about things like... why I haven't heard from him in so long. I don't even ask. I answer the phone and he says "Hey... sorry I haven't called or e mailed in a while... I havent been near a computer or phone" when I know he has a cell phone and I can see that he has posted on a message board we go to. It's no big deal to me that I haven't heard from him. The big deal is that he LIES to me. I truly believe that a man who will lie to you about little things that don't matter will certainly lie to you about big things that do matter.

If you can't forgive and trust him again it's not because you have a problem. It's because he has proven to you that he is untrustworthy.

You want to trust him.. you DID trust him. He Sh*t on you and your trust and threw it away when he cheated on you. He doesn't then get to demand it back and get all pissy when you can't find it within yourself to trust him again just yet. And he doesn't make it any easier for you to develope trust again when he disappears for 3 days... does he?

We can decide to risk being hurt because of closing our eyes to the truth about people we don't trust... we can decide to overlook things for the sake of not losing someone...

But trusting someone isn't something we can DECIDE to do. You either feel it, or you don't. And if you don't, chances are there is a damn good reason.

I'd say his little 3 day vacation should be extended at YOUR discretion.

Answer 2

Sweetie.....once a cheater, always a cheater.
you gotta find a way to find some comfort in the fact that some day soon, YOU WILL BE someone's number one.
this might help.....it's by Sara Evans


You say your every day,
Is a bad dream that keeps repeatin',
Maybe you should have thought about that...when you were cheating

How do you like that furnished room
The bed, the chair, the table?
The tv picture comes and goes,
Too bad you don't have cable.
How do you like that paper plate?
And those pork and beans your eatin'
Maybe you should have thought about that...when you were cheating

How do you like that beat up car?
I think it's fair we traded
Your pickup truck is running fine
It's a cozy ride for datin'
Yes I've been out a time or two
And found the comfort I've been needin'
Maybe you should have thought about that...when you were cheating

You made your bed and you're out of mine,
You lie awake and I sleep just fine,
You've done your sewing, now you can do the ripin'
Maybe you should have thought about that...when you were cheating

Now what became of what's-her-name
After she spent all your money?
Did she leave you just like you left me?
Well sometimes life is funny
Yes I'll be glad to take you back
Just as soon as I stop breathing
Maybe you should have thought about that...
Ohhhh maybe you should have thought about that...
Maybe you should have thought about that...when you were cheating
When you were cheating

Answer 3

I know exactly how you feel, but I am glad that my wife is to be out of my life soon. The lies and excuses didn't make sense to me. I kept questioning them. I got the first info from my own family, who knew of it while I was away. Far away. I don't think you ran him off by living in the past. I think that he ran off because he can't face what he has done. If the cheating was very recent then you have every right to be bringing it up in his face. It takes time to heal. You will have many questions and thoughts racing through your head. I know I did. Once the trust is gone, there is no marriage in my opinion. Maybe in order for you to let go, you must let go of him.

Answer 4

Well first of all he thinks he has the better of you since you took him back after cheating on you. I know everyone has their own personal views on the topic, but your reaction is completely normal. You may feel like he may do it again, and you use that against him for everything he is doing wrong, or if you get into a fight with him.

By bringing up the past it would inevitably make matters worse, and it is hard not to do it, especially when he has hurt you as bad as he did.

If you want the marriage to work, and you both are willing to give it a good try, I suggest going to marriage councelling. It is not as bad as it sounds, not if it would make things better for yourself anf for your marriage. Instead of allowing to build up even more, sort it out right now before it gets worse!

Good luck!

Answer 5

I KNOW I could never let go of of something a cheater has done, for exactly that reason I would never let him live it down. He would never hear the end of it, therefore we would end up, just ending things. Because of trust issues, and the fact he cheated I would want him to pay some how. My soon to be ex husband had a threesome before I even came along and he cheated on his GF the fact that he did those 2 disgusting and evil things right there were one of the things that ruined our marriage because I would always bring it up out of anger and I wanted him to pay although it wasn't done to me, I think what he did was wrong, and the fact he just might do it to me, also.

Answer 6

Did you really forgive him? That should be your first question and look for the answer in your soul.

It takes a while for something that dramatic to get over. When you put your heart and soul into someone and they disappoint you in that way you get a different look of that person.

Speaking from someone who is in your position you have to take time, think, do rush yourself. Ask for the Lords help, and then come to the problem and fix it. If you can't trust him like you could try harder if that doesn't work then maybe some time apart will do you some good.

Good Luck on you choice.

Answer 7

You can't bring up old transgressions every time you fight, or you'll never survive. You already know that what you're doing is wrong, and since speech is not an involuntary reflex (unless you have Turrette's Syndrome), you should be able to prevent yourself from opening up your mouth and saying the wrong thing, simply by remaining calm and thinking before you speak.

Answer 8

I understand. It's getting better every day, but the pain comes back instantly on a moments notice. I'm working on loving him and I have to really forgive him so we can be together. It's hard. Just take it one day at a time and try to fill your thoughts with good things. Don't let it play over and over in your head. That only makes it harder to deal with. Don't give it your energy!

Answer 9

You need to stop bringing this up and speaking pain to your and your husband through this... You need to gorgive him and let the past be the past. Move on and you dont want to lose him by continuing to bring this up... You may need counseling and maybe even marriage counseling as well to learn how to deal with and get past things. Talk to him and try to work it out this is very important to try and save your marriage!

Answer 10

You shouldn't feel bad since he left. It wasn't your fault he cheated. I say let him go and find someone you can trust. You should be the one leaving. It may be hard but you got to stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone put you down like that. Good Luck!!