What to do? Stepkids are coming.... They have no idea their daddy is remarried..?

Question

My dh has two kids (6&8) from lst marriage. They are gonna be in my house soon. I'm gonna meet them the very first time. The point it they have no idea their parents have been divorced, needless to say about their daddy's remarriage. My dh has been afraid of telling his ex about his remarriage. He's been afraid that his ex will use his kids to againist him. His ex is very hostile woman. Now the cat is coming out of the bag very soon. Once the kids see me, there is no way he can hide from his ex anymore. I don't know what to do when I see his kids.. We don't have any kids ourselves. These kids have been brainwashed by their mother. Once their mom finds out our marriage, it's gonna be a diaster. I'm getting neverous and worried. Whenever I talked to my dh about his ex, he got pissed. He would tell me he knows the time when he should tell his ex about marriage.. Well.. ... I really don't like to be "stepmother"... ...Any advise or personal experience is appreicated..

For your reference, dh's mom (my mother-in-law) is living with us. She has known me even before we got married. She wouldn't say anything about our marriage to her grandsons before (due to my db's requests).. I'm very mad that my hb hides the the truth of our marriage from his ex. He has been putting me in a very stressful position.. He has know idea how much stress I have now. But I love him..

The kids are coming to our house for visitation.. (3 weeks).. We've been married almost 3 years. The past visitation I was out of the state.

Answer 1

Let's face it; there is no right or easy answers for this one. Accept the fact that the ADULTS will probably say all the wrong things to each other but it is very important to remember that the CHILDREN need their father in their lives, no matter what opinion the adults have about each other. If the ADULTS want to say terrible things to each other, do it thru the internet. So the kids are given a wonderful day where they get to see their father again. PS don't be the stepmom. Give it time. You need to slowly get into their lives.

Answer 2

well if he loves you and has loved you from the get go he should have been a man and stepped up to tell his EX.

If he doesn't think that she can handle the truth say you are roommates for this visit and have him go file paper work for custody or visitation rights.

There isn't much you can do, if you love him you have to deal with all of it. The longer you wait the harder it gets and the more pissed she will get!

If you knew what you were getting into in the first place you should not be surprised that all of this is going on and you need to be the woman and tell the EX he is now yours and you don't want to be a replacment to her you want to start a new life with him.

Most likely she will find someone else and she could be worried about the same thing that you guys are. Just think if she is dating someone and the kids spill the beans on that one.

Don't worry just try and have a good time and see what happens

Answer 3

I am sorry you are worried. You really don't need to be. The kids are 6 and 8 and will only judge you by what they experience with you. Be VERY positive, be excited to finally meet them. DO NOT talk about their mother...ever....if you never talk about their mom, they are more likely to accept you. If they bring her up, only listen.... if they ask you a question about her, tell them you can't answer it because you don't know her. If you treat them with love and DO NOT talk about their mom, it will work out. You need to be the one they can say nothing bad about. If your dh's ex wants to be rude and hateful...let her be. Rise above it and make your home a fun place for them to visit each year. Remember they already have a mother...just try to be a fun, positive adult for them to trust. Try and enjoy this visit. The fact that you are a surprise gives you the advantage to give them a great impression of you! Their mom did not have time to ruin that for you. Consider it a blessing, not a stress. If you let them choose a "nickname" for you, it will also take away the "stepmother" image. You married their dad...that makes you a friend not a mommy. Have fun!!!

Answer 4

Wow I thought I had it bad :) No just kidding :) I too am a stepmom. It I must admit is harder than being a mom. I do have a child now. However when we got married we hid my age. My hb and I are 8 yrs apart. His ex too is and has been since I met him very angry (11yrs ago). My step children were 1 1/2, 3 and 5 when we married. I had no clue whatsoever what I ws getting myself into until the I dos were said and done. :) I dont why men with exes seem to be afraid to tell them they have gone on with their lives. Isn't that what a divorce is about? The kids are old enough to know Daddy hasnt been with mommy so they already know something isn't right (sort of say). Your hb needs to let them know that u are the nanny...Joking! No he does need to be the one to tell them and I wish u luck. I know it's not easy I my daughter (the mid child) man oh man she gave me hell! I was reminded every day that her mom did things this way and that and her mom didn't cook this way or that. Yeah it is hard. Remember one thing that is their mother reguardless of how u feel about her and same for ur hubby. Never say anything negitive about her when they are in ears distance. Just think of how u look at ur mom (if u have a good relationship with her;)
Like I said I wish I had a magic wand to whip up something great to tell u but it doesnt work that way and the hardest thing is dealing with the ex and ur hubby not standing up to her for fear of loosin his kids. I am a member of the ex wife hater club...:) need to chat email me [e-mail] I know what u goin thru and I am still goin thru it. It does get a wee bit easier as the kids get older. My dtepkids are now 16,14 and 11. She still tries her brainwashing but they see the light now and sometimes are blinded by momma's word. Just remember to be more of a buddy than a parent...that's the fun part of being a stepparent!! Good Luck Honey

Answer 5

It's important that the kids know right away about your marriage. As far as the ex, she will find out when the kids return to her house. I would suggest that your husband let her know in advance (after the kids arrive to visit and before they go back home) so she has time to think about it while the kids are with you. My daughter's dad got remarried to his current wife last October and failed to inform our daughter and his oldest son from another relationship. Needless to say, both of the adult kids were upset and were not invited to the wedding, which I am certain had alot to do with his current wife. With the kids not knowing, it breeds resentment. It's important for you and your husband to reinforce to the kids how much you love and care about them. If his ex-wife spits venom (which she undoubtedly will upon learning of your marriage), just continue to show support for the children. There is an excellent book that I am reading and you might want to consider it - it is called Remarried with Children - Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family by Barbara LeBey also the author of Family Estrangements. She has some excellent tips that cover all the questions you are asking. I found the book to be an excellent reference in dealing with our extended family situation.

Answer 6

I hate to come off so harshly, but you knew what you were getting into. It's too bad that your marriage is clouded with lies and deceit.
There's no easy answer for any of this! You need to get some real help! Don't do anything without speaking to a professional therapist first. Not only would it help you deal with your anxiety, but the therapist could offer some good coping skills when dealing with an ex and when speaking to the kids. You are going to have to choose your words wisely and remember that you are not their mother, you are an outsider. Do not try to mother his kids, but do be cordial and friendly to them.
My kids are 10 and 8. If faced with a similar situation, I really don't think it would matter too much to them as long as they weren't thrown into a hostile situation. So keep the peace as best as you can for your own sake....you husband is the one who has to face the ex in the end, after all he is the one who has to answer to his kids when the questions start!
Good luck........

Answer 7

Well, for starters he is a louse. He should have grown some balls and told his ex the truth stood up in court and held his ground. But seeings as he didn't do that and now you are his "family secret" I think you will be the one sitting down with the kids explaining more of the situation to them then what he will. So my best advice to you is be as open and honest to kids their age as possible. Just tell them that no matter if their parents are no longer together does not make either one of them love them any less if anything they love them even more because they don't get a lot of opportunities to do everything they want to do with them such as spending time together. And that you will love them just as much as both their mom and their dad does, but to them you can be their friend and their stepmom never their mother because thats their moms place. Just take your time and don't be so nervous. I think things will go better than what you are thinking.

Answer 8

Wow- it's a little late down the chain of events for this to be coming up, don't you think?! For a start, nothing can change the fact that yr dh (?) has not taken the leap and confronted his ex with the step he has taken in his life. Now, if he was child-less, perhaps that wouldn't have mattered...as it is, he has children, and naturally he wants to still see them. He just hasn't thought this through fully, and is now reaping the consequences. Or rather, YOU ARE! I'm so sorry that you are starting your life out this way! This must be causing you a lot of stress, which is very understandable. Now, I think you should sit him down, and coax him into taking responsibility for this, and it's going to put him at cause over his ex to do this, because right now he's sitting at the effect of his own back-off, right??! Try and get him to see this, and perhaps he can figure out a way to deal with it. I wish you luck, and hope this gets sorted out for your sake, and his, and the children!

Answer 9

Tips for Stepparents

THE U.S. Bureau of the Census predicts that stepfamilies will outnumber traditional families by 1995. By then, 59 out of every 100 children will live in “blended families” (families with a stepparent) before they reach 18 years of age. Following are just a few suggestions to help the growing number of stepparents.

Give It Time: Stepparents must remember that it takes time for stepchildren to accept a new parent. Mental-health professional Mavis Hetherington explains why the first few months—or years—can be so difficult: “In the early stages of remarriage, both sons and daughters are hostile, sulking, negativistic and angry not only at their stepfather but at their mother. They’re mad . . . at their mother for remarrying.” Stepparents must try to understand the feelings of the children, challenging though that may be.—See Proverbs 19:11.

Build a Good Relationship First: Joy Conolly, in her book Stepfamilies, wisely cautions that stepparents will be in a better position to correct their stepchildren’s behavior after they have built a good relationship with them. In the meanwhile, it may be best for the natural parent to handle needed discipline. (Compare Proverbs 27:6.) On the other hand, stepparents can give children a sense of continuity by supporting the routines they have long enjoyed—such as taking long walks or playing games together. Stepfathers, though, should not use mealtimes as occasions to lecture the family.

Avoid Favoritism: The stepfather or the stepmother should avoid, if possible, any evidence of favoritism toward his or her natural offspring, however difficult this may be at times.—Compare Romans 2:11.

Draw Close With Caution: A recent study of stepfamilies found that it is often particularly difficult for stepfathers and stepdaughters to get along. One author put it this way: “Stepfathers reach out, and the girls shrink back. Stepfathers try to exert some discipline, and the girls fight back.” The author summarizes: “It seems there is nothing a stepfather can do, early on, with girls that is successful.” Great patience and empathy are thus needed. While girls appreciate verbal praise from their stepfather, they often feel uncomfortable with physical gestures such as hugging. The stepfather should be aware that a girl might feel this way. If she does, he should put more emphasis on verbal praise and discussion than on physical displays of affection.—Compare Proverbs 25:11.

Beware of Jealousy: Experience shows that many a stepdaughter tends to perceive a stepmother as a competitor. A stepmother who anticipates and empathizes with the girl’s feelings may thereby wisely prevent unnecessary power struggles. The father can do much to relieve tension by reassuring his daughter of his continuing love and esteem. (Proverbs 15:1) Researchers caution that stepmothers often try too hard and too soon to become parent figures for their new stepdaughters. Again, patience is the key.

Being a stepparent is far from easy. But it can be done, as thousands of successful examples show. And remember, the Bible gives the best advice for success in any family situation when it says: “Clothe yourselves with love, for it is a perfect bond of union.”—Colossians 3:14.

Answer 10

I think you need to talk to your husband again and after 3 years he should not hide you anymore. What is he afraid of? His ex is his ex, you are his wife and you do have wifes rights. I think he should get a back bone and introduce you as his wife and their step-mother. The marriage vows say forsaking all others and that means his ex. He should not give the children the impression it is ok to have sleep with a woman not being married. He should be concerned about the childrens morals than what his wife thinks. Good Luck. Ask Zella