My sister has a husband, and he is raising the child had his own. the child have no idea, this is not his real father. The real father want visitation and the child have no ides what is about to happen, everyone say he deserve to see his and know his real father. so far she have'nt got the heart to tell either of them what is happening, she say she got to find the right time for it. what do you think about the whole issue?
2006-06-05 14:36:02 · 37 answers · asked by birdsdafly 3 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
he is 7 and have no clue, He is a mommy and daddy boy, and value the both of them.
2006-06-05 15:18:50 · update #1
yes
right time to tell him is after 18 or till he completes his edu.
2006-06-16 18:54:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Now that the information has been held back, I'm afraid there is no good time. It is going to be hard no matter what. "Deserves" to see his son, well that depends a great deal on the relationship between biological parents in the past and any changes the "father" has made in his life in all this time. However, the child needs to know the truth and might be more likely to understand a simple explanation now...with more details as he is ready for them. Let the child ask the questions and have mom answer as best she can at his level. Again..It will be a difficult situation, but he she and step dad explain how much he loves the child and how he is the "daddy", it will all smooth out soon.
2006-06-17 00:23:32 · answer #2 · answered by elec_tro_lux 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in the same position as your sister. I have a husband and two young boys. The eldest is 7 yrs old, and isn't my husbands bio child. My husband has left it to me on whether son will know about his real father. I will tell my son about his father when he starts asking questions. I will wait until he does, and not bring it up myself. His real father is from a background that values boys over girls, and I was his possession not a partner. That's why I left him before he knew I was pregnant. I won't stop my son from knowing about his father nor will I bag his father to him. I have a vaild reason why I didn't stay with him, and if I have done a good job in bringing my son up he won't want to meet his real father as he will see my husband as his father. It is complicated, but it's in the child's best interest to know their bio parents no mattew how hard it is. If they find out later in life, they could be that inraged with anger, and feel betrayed that it can back fire. There is no "right" time to tell a child that someone else other to their knowledge is their real parent. It's never a good time, but the sooner you do it, the easier the transition is. How old is he? Children no matter the age do value honesty, and he'll thank your sister for giving him the chance to get to have a relationship with his father. And something your sister can say is that..... "son you are that special you have two daddy's who love you". That way he doesn't feel like he has or did anything wrong etc..... good luck and keep posted. Hope this helps
2006-06-05 14:48:47 · answer #3 · answered by my_ladymacfarlane 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Many things to consider. First of all at 7 the child may not understand and it can put so much confusion into his mind. Say his father, who no wants visitation decides to forget the whole thing after a single visit? Now what? The term "Father" is more than just being the seed that brought this boy into this world. Anyone can make babies.... Not many these days can be called "Fathers" ...
I believe your decision should be based on what's best for the child. If it was up to me I'd wait for the child to be older when his level of understanding could be better handle the knowledge.
2006-06-17 06:11:24 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, tney need to sit the son down and explain to him what's going on. The real father does have the right to visit and be with his son. The guy who has been with him for the last 7 years is pretty much his daddy and will alway's be. This situation can end up good for everyone but there will be a lot of emotional stress and identity struggle before the progress shows. Everyone needs to keep in mind that this about the child not them!!!!
2006-06-19 09:33:17 · answer #5 · answered by dlow1972 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as he has given up his paternal rights he has a right to see his child.
I suggest that your sister do a few visits with her, the child, and the biological father just to see how things go. Give the child the opportunity to get to know the biological father and get use to him while mom is still there. Once she feels ready they need to go to court and set up child support (if he wants visitiation he should be helping out) and visitiation.
I think your sister should give it a shot. This way she gave the biological father a chance and if he takes off than she won't have to feel it was because of her. I think it is important that she needs to disclouse the fact that he has a different biological father. If she doesn't and he finds out about it later from someone else or by accident he is going to feel really betrayed. My ex-boyfriend's best friend commited suicide when he found out he was adopted and couldn't deal with it and the fact that he was never told. That is a little extreme but I think it is important that the child knows.
If your sister, after the supervise visits has some doubts than she doesn't have to continue them. But she should at least give him a chance.
2006-06-05 14:44:58 · answer #6 · answered by butterflykisses427 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i have 3 biological and 2 which i am getting ready to adopt i have had one of then since he was 4 months old and now he is 6 and the other i have had for four years the youngest doesn't know his biological but the oldest does the youngest thinks i am his real daddy . tell your sister to try going to legal aid or get an attorney and the have her file to sever his parental rights if he hasnt been in the childs life for that long and also have her tall the lawyer that she doesnt feel safe for the bio to have him or see him for the saftey and the emotional stability of the child and that if he wants to push the issue of seeing him that she wants back chikd support from the time hi, and her split up and most likley he wont man up and pay but if he is willing to pay i would have tha laywer make it where it all has to be paid be visitation to so sincerityon his part and most likley he wont or she can tell the lawyer that her hubby wants to adopt and you dont know where the father is and if they ask for the last jnow address tell them you dont know it but it was and tell them the name of a county a couple of counties away so if they do a publication h ewont know it i can tell you a whole lot of things if you want to talk or want more info just email me and i will fill you in also ask them about declearing him dead i know that sounds funny but in indiana as far as i know if the biological doesnt have contact with the child for a certain amout of time then they can declare the bio dead and then the adoption will go thru
2006-06-17 17:06:45 · answer #7 · answered by wholesale_priced 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seven is a smart enough age to understand somethings. They are fragile but resilient! He should no his parent now. At least have a visit or two to see how they get along then tell him the truth. When children are introduced to people they usually don't have preconcieved notions, they can sometimes be shy at first but when they like someone they like someone. It is also important to point out to him that now he has 2 dad's instead of one- isn't that Lucky, some kids don't even have one father let alone any parents...
Your sister I am sure is worried over the situations, decisions, and experiences she has had and how that may make her look because people can be judgemental. However, no one has the right to judge her even if they do. What's important is her family and her son should know his father.
I know someone who never knew his dad wasn't his dad, when he found out he confronted his mom, she admitted it, he wasn't angry but hurt that she never told him, when he tried to find his biological father it was too late- he had passed away and his family had moved. I think it's sad that he has an entire other family that he will never know or will never know him because people were afraid to admit to the truth of the situation for fear of looking bad/keeping up appearances/not losing their reputation or just having someone mad at them.
What happaned has happened. Admit the truth sooner rather than later. Doing it sooner would help now especially because he hasn't really reached those tough teen years where withdrawal and anger and emotions really rule. Do it know when he still talks to his mom and dad about how he feels and still goes to you and other family and trusted members for thoughts. If people treat the situation like it's a horrible horrible thing he will think that too. Treat the situation as cordially as possible and when he sees others are okay with it he will be okay with it. And becareful what is said because kids have good ears. If people want to see not nice things about mom and dad do it when is absolutely positively out of the area. Kids eavesdrop when you think they are busy doing something else. Don't you remember eavesdropping on thing your family discussed while coloring in the coloring book or pretending to do homeowrk or seeming like you were hooked on the t.v.?
Kids react to how they see their moms and dads react.
It is tricky be honesty at this age is the best.
Be positive and he will be positive.
IF his dad is trully a person he should still meet him. Just don't leave the child alone with him for too, too long.
IF she had a child with him there must have been something nice or good about him at some point. If he is a nice man who can be trusted than what are you still worried about.
Above all when they are introduced let the child know he can ask what he wants when he feels like it. Ask him if he has questions. Let him know he can say what ever he wishes.
Also, it is important for him to know that he can Love both dad's, one man should never put the other down in front of the child- it's counterproductive and can cause conflicting emotions.
When he does ask questions? Try to answer as much as possible, or as easily as can be explained with out being confusing. He is a little person, he knows when he's being lied to sometimes, Okay?
I wish you all the luck and all the love.
He is lucky to have all the family and love he gets and for having a nice aunt not afraid to ask for advice.
2006-06-18 10:29:41 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
the real father Had's rights to but if the husband had adopted the 2 children then it like a catch 22. i had a step father and met my real dad at the age of 12 and i never accepted my real dad as my father i accepted my step dad as my father so i would leave that choice up to the children and see how they feel about it. They might not want anything to do with the real father and also have a counsellor on hand to help with any emotions that they might go through.
2006-06-19 05:09:06 · answer #9 · answered by jazzyjazz 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My son is 6 and doesn't know his real father either. Bio father never wanted anything to do with him. My husband has been in my sons life since he was 3 weeks old. My son at least knows he has a father somewhere. However, if for any strange reason, my sons bio father wanted to start seeing him - there would be no way in hell I would let it happen. Does her kids bio father have rights to the kid? If not - then first they would have to go to court and get that taken care. Your sister could prove that bio father has never been involved in said childs life and fight it.
2006-06-17 04:16:17 · answer #10 · answered by bluskygreengrass 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's upsetting, but you haven't said that the father is a monster or anything. Fortunately the boy is only 7 and though it may be hard to grasp at first, a child can never have too many people love them. Hopefully the bio Dad has grown up and will only bring joy and love into your nephew's life. My prayers are with you all.
2006-06-17 14:02:57 · answer #11 · answered by butrcupps 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋