I need advice. SERIOUS ADULT ONLY PLEASE!?

Question

Let me give you some background: I have been married for over 4 years now. I have twin 3 year olds with my husband. About 2 years ago my husband became physically violent to me when he was drunk. This continued for about the next year until my husband was deported to Mexico. He is still in Mexico and should be able to come back in a few months. In the time he's been gone I have tried to talk to him about his behavior and how I want it to change. I threatened divorce about a month ago and now he wants to fix things. He wants one more chance. I told him that I wanted him to go to AA and counseling now. He said that he wont go to that, that in this year he has change. I need to give him that chance. I love him so much and want it to work for our family. So I agreed to give him that chance. Can I go back on my word? Should I wait for him to do it again? Do I move away and cut off all contact with him? I need serious answers. Thank you and God Bless.

Answer 1

Yes! Give him the chance! But this does not mean another chance to do everything again. I have been married for 8 years now and I love my wife very much.....even though sometimes she couls be a bitc* to me.... I love her still. but we had some sad times ourselves. you should first talk things over. find your own faults too, not just his. discuss things with him.... things about what you want and what he wants. try to compromise things. I belive it is very stubborn of him not to join AA..... I think he is the type who does not like being told what to do....the macho type..... that can be very dangerous.... if he really loves you.... he should be willing to take a lot of sacrifices. It would be better if he can afford not to drink anymore. you could consult a lawyer about this.... if your husband can sign some kind of agreement regarding hir alcoholism.

everybody deserves a second chance..... God give's us unlimited second chances.... but the problem is.... we are all human... we all fall for the temptation of commiting the same crime over and over again.

Make him know that you are serious about the lawyer thing. That the only thing that will make you agree to accept him again is that if he signs an agreement with you. I really believe AA will help. you could threaten him about that too. "It's AA or the highway!" tell him that. MACHO guys are afraid to face their weaknesses. AA will actually make people realize that they are only humans, that they are weak, and that they can be stronger.
anyway i hope i was able to help out. good luck

Answer 2

A question - did he want to fix things before you said that you were thinking about divorce? Did he say that he'd changed before or after you threatened divorce? If before then that's fine - if after... well, I don't know how much you'll be able to trust him on that. Most abusers do not change without some kind of counseling and the fact that he refuses to go sounds like he's not taking this very seriously. If he's already changed then he wouldn't have any problem going there and saying so.

It sounds like you still really care about him and do want for things to work out. If you stick with your agreement to give him another chance I don't think that you should let him live with you & the kids for a while until you've become pretty sure as to whether you're going to stay with him or divorce - it's just not fair to the kids. If you decide that you just can't trust him or don't want to go through this then yes, you can change your mind. He's lucky that you didn't get started on the divorce already, I know I would have.

If he does it again you need to act fast. Call the police & get pictures & have it documented. I don't know if you had any of the other times documented but it's something that you have to do. You may need to be able to prove this someday & nothing is better than a police report.

If you do decide to let him have another chance please be careful. As I said before, please don't let him live with you, it's just too risky. Make sure that you get the locks changed. If you've got someone that watches your kids for you make sure that they know that your hubby is not allowed to pick up the kids. Basically, don't trust this guy half as far as you can throw him. He has treated you in an unacceptable way that is inhumane and illegal and you don't have to take it.

HOWEVER...

If this guy ever hurt you badly (broken bones, left scars, burns, or threatened you with these things) then I'd tell you to cut him off. Abuse in any form is wrong, but to me, there's a difference between shoving someone and breaking someone's arm. A guy that does that kind of ##$## doesn't really believe that what he's doing is wrong and he won't stop until somebody makes him understand. If your husband fits into this category then please make sure that you have the telephone number for your local women's shelter and that he has no access to your bank accounts. Tell people that you know what is going on and try to set up a support system so that if you do need to leave you'll be able to stay a night with one of them.

Above all else, be careful. Think with your head and not your heart. Keeping you and your kids safe (physically, mentally, and emotionally) is the most important thing

Answer 3

I think you should give him that chance - in the clear understanding that if he lays one finger on you or shows signs of going back to the drink, he is OUT. So be prepared. Have the phone number of the police handy and a bag packed and think about where you might go if he did become violent again. Is there, for example, a Women's Refuge near you or perhaps your church will have a solution?

I feel that you both love each other and your family and maybe while he was away he has had time to think, so he deserves one more chance, even though, in the end, he is weak.

You obviously are regretting saying that you would give him another chance, though, and I can understand that the experience you went through before you wouldn't want to repeat. What you decide is up to you but I hope God gives you the strength to welcome your husband back and, perhaps, to help him with the drinking problem.

Answer 4

It sounds like you have put some serious thought into this. However, you have already given him a chance. It sounds like you gave him 365 more chances! If he did this to you for a year I would hesitate to let him come back into your house. If he were willing to get treatment, it would be one thing, but if he can't put you before alchol and abuse I wouldn't take him back. I would worry that he may one day hurt your children. Even if he has never hurt them before it doens't mean it won't happen. I don't know how many stories where the first time they hurt the children was the time they did them serious harm or death. You have a responsibility to your children. If you do give him a second chance, I would not let him live in the house for a while. Maybe have separate residences for a while and gradually ease back into more contanct over a period of SEVERAL months (just so you can feel better to see if he has really changed). I would be really careful letting him around you or your children again. I know that it hurts, but it is possible that you might find someone who will cherrish you and your children, and would never in a million years think of harming you EVER. You deserve someone who thinks the world of you. I bet you have put more thought into this in the last year than he has. He has probablay only thought about he feels without you, not how he made you feel for that year of abuse. I hope this helps.

Answer 5

Well, you have had the time to think and see what the world has to offer you without the abuse.
Now, no matter what he has done in the past, no matter how many times he says he is sorry, he won't do it again, loves you, wants to be a family, you won't find anyone who will love you and accept you.
I suggest to you, only give him a chance if you feel that you are ready to subject yourself to the abuse again. I am not saying it is going to happen again, but the thought is always going to be in the back of your head.
I too was abused for 8 years before I got the balls so to speak to leave and never look back. Two children later.
My ony regret is not leaving sooner. My oldest son was only 4 at the time and saw way to much. It caused him to have hatered towards his father for the way he treated me. He still to this day at 21 yrs old can remember what his father did to me. But he had me convinced I would and could not find anyone else.
He was so wrong. SO, now with that being said. Follow your heart, only YOU know if you are really ready to walk away from this marriage and not look back, only you know when your ready to stand up for yourself and no longer tolerate a man abusing you. Only you know . Everyone else can tell you what to do and what you should do, but you will never stay away from the abuse unless your done it with him and the abuse.
Until then you will continue to allow him or anyone else to abuse you. So sweetie I am sorry to say this but follow your heart and do what YOU want to do.

Answer 6

I put up with that kind of abuse for several years, hoping he would change. praying that the love I had for him would be enough to help him change,
I WAS A DAMN FOOL. He will not change for you or the kids. He will only play you for a fool, like my ex. did me.
They play this game that pulls at your core and blinds you with the HOPE that WE have that THEY WILL CHANGE..
He will suck you in as far as he can, then it will be 10 times harder the leave.
IF HE LOVES YOU AND HIS KIDS, he will go to AA and to counseling. He will do the things needed to make it right and to work for all of you.
Do Not Let Him Move right in, make him work hard for your trust again. Make him prove himself by doing the right thing by his family and make him hold on to these things for a set amount of time. Have group counseling and some counsel ling for the kids and for yourself,
Attend AA with him and put the kids in Al anon, if they are old enough. Ask the kids how they feel about him coming back. This affects everyone, not just you or just him.
If the kids are not ready for him to come back, make the changes needed for that.
Sometimes our kids are smarter then we are in this judgment. Talk it over with the kids soon, discuss this as a private matter, ( that you will not tell him), so they feel safe and know that they can trust you..
I wish you and your kids well in this upcoming journey.
Take care.......if you need a shoulder, email me, ok..

Answer 7

OK, my first question would be -- if he was deported, how is he coming back in to the USA? And secondly -- yes, you most certainly can go back on your word. Batterers will not change their behavior unless they get counseling, which may include the AA or detox of some sort, and some anger management skills. I would not let him back in the home especially with children in the home until he has proven himself -- FIRST. You may love him and want him back in the home but if he is not a healthy and stable partner think of the emotionally and psychological impact he will have on your children.

Answer 8

I kinda know where you are coming from, seeing how I know what its like to love someone so much that you hate to quit on them. My advice to you is simply do what your heart tells you. Remember you have children in this situation... A lot of people seem to think it only gets worse when it comes to abusive relationships, but all in all its not what other people think, its what YOU think and what you think he deserves. I would have a long conversation with him telling him that if he abuses you one more time there will be no talking but you leaving or him leaving. If he agrees that he has Truly changed will not contest to that at all. But really, sweet heart no one deserves to get hit...I realize he was drunk and people make mistakes but you need to understand that people can change but if they don't show it thats when you need to "change" the situation, at least for children because I am a psychologist and it is very detrimental for children to be in a abusive home, and sadly most of time the abuser turns to the children next, so please consider this when trying one last time and if he does hit you again, YOU must know you did all you can and its not your fault! Stay STRONG for yourself and your children and god bless!

Answer 9

You need to forgive him yes .. Do not however let him move back in with you for a while until he can prove to you and your kids that he has changed. He definitely needs counseling or i dont feel he has changed... If he refuses counseling and help then dont take him back. you can date him and get to know him again without him moving back into your home and be sure to meet with him only in public places with lots of people around and talk to a pastor or counselor too about this and see what advice they give you!

Answer 10

God loves you and the kids only a moran would say God dosent care. look if you love him and want to give it a second chance go ahead if he comes back and in a few months starts over again the abuse leave and dont look back because he want change then you want have gone back on your word i wish you the best and may God bless you and the kids