I am having the worst time in my life. Help!?

Question

I am currently married to a man who when drunk is physically abusive. Two weeks ago I told him that I wanted to get a divorce. We have two young kids and I want to find a better father for them.

Now, I have a friend who is always nice to me and my kids. I told him about what’s going on and he expressed his immense love for me. He talked about how smart, beautiful and charming I was. I explained how I couldn’t have a boyfriend until after I was divorced. He agreed. I told him that it was fine if we remained friends while I was in the divorce process.

Yesterday I talked to my husband and he was VERY repentant toward me. He asked for ONE more chance. I agreed.

I have talked to the other guy, and while he is very sad, he is willing to wait for me. I figure that it is only a matter of time before my husband hits me again, but I want him to know that he had that chance to change.

What things can I do with the other guy now, to keep our relationship going? Write him letters? What

Answer 1

leave the drunk man. Realisticlly speaking, he won't change. drinking is a seirous problem and so is physical abuse. Why should u give him another chance to be physically violent towards you again. Get a divorce from him and marry the other guy while you can. Good guys don't stay for too long. And you shouldn't expect him to just wait for you forever.
What if tomorrow ur husbands goesback to his old self and the other guy is not around? Then u might still be able to get a divorce....but u won't have someone that really likes you and is really understanding?
Hope you make the right decision.

Answer 2

You are right to wait until you are divorced to have a boyfriend. You may need even more time after that. It sounds like you want to leave. It's good that he seems to have changed. For your sake and especially the sake of your children, you need to be ready to leave if things change. Maybe he seems "repentant" now, but be cautious as he might not stay that way. Here's how a friend of mine handled a similar situation:

She spent about a month secretly making preparations to move out. She rented a house, got her kids enrolled in school in the town she moved to, and got her house ready to live in. While her husband was at work, she packed up everything she needed (her friends all came over to help) and had a police officer stand in the driveway while she was packing in case he came home early. She took her kids and left him a note. She did not tell him her new address because she didn't know if she and the kids would be safe. She is making him get help with his problems and she is letting him see her and the kids at a neutral location like a park on the weekends. He is getting help. She is taking her time with the divorce or reconciliation, as she needs to see that he has truly changed and will stay changed.

I am very against divorce and believe that marriage is forever, but things change when it gets physically abusive. That is a dangerous situation.

Answer 3

Unless your husband is willing to give up alcohol all together he is never going to change. Close that door now before you get seriously hurt, or he turns on your children. On that note, however, don't fall head over heels for this other guy. Take his support, but don't let him think you care more than you do. The truth is you need time to get over your marriage and you need a good friend right now, not another partner. Also, if your husband is serious he may go though a step program or rehab and change, give him that chance and the time to do so. For now, go it alone and take your kids with you. Stay friends with the other guy, if he is willing to wait, you don't have a time limit enjoy life and the second chance you've got to be happy.

Answer 4

Well, personally.. I would ask yourself how long this has been going on with the hubby. From personal experience I know people like that can't just stop, and it gets worse... Unless he's willing to go to rehab and possibly counseling, I'd get out while the kids are still young enough to adjust, and to prevent any possible violence towards them...
As for the male friend, I would keep it on a friend basis, and make sure he understands.. Writing him shouldn't be an issue, but if you choose to stay with your hubby, think beforehand how he will react if he finds out and doesn't approve of that friendship..
If you do leave the hubby, I would stay away from relationships for a while - you will be vulnerable... take that time to refind yourself and have special time with the kids- they will need it ..
best of luck to you :)

Answer 5

You have no sense at all if you are going to give an abusive husband, who you admit will hit you again, another chance so that HE will know he's had another chance. WHO CARES if he gets another chance!! A man puts his hands on you, that's it.

And how are you doing anyone right by making someone, who you say is a good man, wait on you until you can get it through your head that the situation you are in isn't where you need to be?

Get out while you can. You may not live through the "next time".

Answer 6

First of all, scratch the other guy, he is clouding up your vision. What do you truly want? Be honest. If your husband is abusive. Boo you got to go. I am sorry your life or your babie's life is far more valuable than a beating. An abusive marriage is a no-go. All it takes is that one day he hits you, you fall and hit your head and it is over. I come from an abusive marriage and I Had a gun put up to my head a vase lunged at my car, etc. I THANK GOD I am alive.
Deal with the 2nd guy once you get to a safe place and perhaps once you are divorced or whatever happens with the marriage. Does your husband want help? Man be safe and God bless..

Answer 7

Unfortunately you're probably making the wrong decision in staying. Men like that have to learn the hard lesson (divorce and child support) to learn that you shouldn't hurt women.

And I bet you dollars to donuts that he thought about the prospect of childsupport and is changing his mind with you right now.

Abuse via alcohol is a sure sign of alcoholism.

You should go through with the divorce anyway (or at least a long term seperation to make him prove his sudden need for change).

As for the other guy, you can't start or continue to keep him in the wings. If you truely want it to work out with your husband you can't have any extra activites going on the side.

It sounds to me as if you want (and need) out of your marriage and are looking for affirmation.

You have it now.

Divorce and then wait a long time before getting on-board with another man.

Play the field.

Don't be dependent.

Be independent.

Answer 8

Make a plan, think of the kids, you don't want them growing up with a role model of the abusive drunk. But you certainly don't need to jump out of the frying pan into the fire with this other fellow, either! You have plenty to take care of & shouldn't depend on any man to take care of you. There is something wrong with the majority of them, anyway, & you need to kiss plenty of toads before you find the prince. You'll only set your kids up to a potential child predator. But get out of there! You'll either end up dead or on welfare, been there, done that! Life is a journey, & you need to think of what is best for the kids, your dad didn't treat your mom that way, you know it's wrong for your kids to see you get treated that way! Believe me, my friend stayed with her tyrant husband, & she didn't get out soon enough, the kid always bad mouthed her & the daughter can't shake the relationship she has with her abusive boyfriend, he makes her cry & the dummy stays with him. Don't damage the kids, but you don't need to be a harlot either! Make some plans, further your education. Don't be so gullible by swallowing up each & every compliment he throws your way, he only wants to get into your pants, and that's the last thing you need is another kid. Duh!

Answer 9

This is a very confusing situation. Is he physical when hes sober?? He definitely needs Rehab for the sake of himself you and your children. As far as the other guy goes, hmm.... its a toughie are you still in love with your husband? Do you really love the other guy or is it just a scapegoat to get away form your current situation?? You have alot to think about. I think you're first concern is your children, not another man in your life!

Answer 10

Whenever your husband gets home (drunk), try and not be in the house (or your children otherwise he may hit them too) and go over to a friends house. With your lover waithing for you, thats just so sweet. You could go out and have coffee's together and sit down and come up with a plan to get you and your children out of that violent relationship.