I have gotten myself into a bind! What do I do?

Question

I am currently married to a man who when drunk is physically abusive. We have been separated for 11 months and 2 weeks ago I told him that I wanted to get a divorce. We have two young kids and I want to find a better father for them.

Now, I have a friend who is always nice to me and my kids. I told him about what’s going on and he expressed his immense love for me. Well after being separated for so long I loved all the compliments he had for me. He talked about how smart, beautiful and charming I was. I explained how I couldn’t have a boyfriend until after I was divorced. He agreed. I told him that it was fine if we remained friends while I was in the divorce process. We got together for lunch a few times and took my kids to the park.

Yesterday I talked to my husband and he was VERY repentant toward me. He apologized to my family. He talked about rededicating our marriage. He asked for one more chance. I agreed to give him ONE more chance.

Now what I’m I supposed to do with this other guy? Help!

Answer 1

First your stupid for wanting to give the husband another chance..he will not change.
As for the other guy you really don't have any feelings for him and he's just there to pick up the pieces.You will be doing him a favor.
Hopefully through all this your kids will be somewhat normal.

Answer 2

Ahh sweetie, I am sorry that you are having a hard time. However, I would be remiss if I did not point out that abusers usually continue to abuse. It is not wrong of you to not give your husband another chance. Ask yourself this question, do you have feelings for this other guy? If you do then divorce your husband and see where things go. If you don't then I would still be very VERY careful about your husband, that can be a physically dangerous situation. What has changed? sombody doesn't just wake up and decide oh.. I am going to appologize to my wife for beating her. What in his life changed that has lead to this epiphany. As far as what to do about this other guy... well... that is a tough call. What I would do however, is make a decision about your husband, if you have made it... then let him down easy, tell him you feel you have to give this another shot. You havn't said to him that you love him (have you) and if you havn't done that then... you technically don't owe him anything, just don't be suprised when he moves on and when you really want to be with him that he isn't available for that sort of thing. However I think that you should give this guy a shot, because your husband MIGHT change but history has shown that he probably hasn't. And unlike somthing like cheating or lying, when he betrays you in this fashion you might not survive. I beg you to leave him for your sake and for your childrens. I am sorry that you are in a tight spot, but I hope this helps.

Answer 3

List all the ways that your husband has changed. What has he done to change. Does he attend alcoholics anonymous? Has he gone to anger management classes? Has he promised to go to individual counseling with you? Have you seen a big change in him when he gets angry? I think I know the answer to this already. Your husband is just telling you he will change. It is all part of the cycle of abuse. He will not change unless he has extenisve amounts of counseling and really works at it. It doesn't happen in a matter of months.
You should be by yourself now. Remain friends with Mr. Wonderful. Take time to grief your marriage/divorce. Work on healing. And then begin a relationship with the man. You will be better prepared and have a more successful relationship.

Answer 4

You have to be honest with both guys. First tell the other guy that you just aren't ready, and that you are having second thoughts.
You also have to tell your husband that he needs to get into an AA program before you will take him back, and that you will only let him back into the house if he completes the AA as well as takes anger management training and completes it.
The abuse is a whole other issue,you should not put up with that at all, and it is teaching your children that abuse in a marriage is an exceptable behavior. You are making a big mistake with that. Just because of the abuse you shouldn't take him back. If you do you need to wait for a while so that you can see that the behaviors are gone, and he must complete the AA and anger management before you take him back.

Answer 5

PLEASE do not go back to your husband. It is NOT going to change and you are going to be stuck in a place you never wanted to be again. It's going to be tougher too because your husband does not see you as a beautiful, charming and smart person---he would not attack you otherwise. Please, let him go. I am now realizing these things and there's nothing I can do. My husband has physically hurt me too while drunk and he's always apologized. The first time it happened, I got a restraining order against him and he could only see his daughter through the court with supervision and it lasted for two months. Well, we got back together and I gave him another chance, after he vowed he would stop drinking, stop flirting, stop going to bars and he would never let anything like that happen again. I, too, was seeing a man during our separation who was a friend and who wanted to begin a relationship after the divorce went through and he took me wherever I wanted and made me feel so sexy (my husband didn't like it if I was sexy anywhere else except in the bedroom with him alone). He was also tender, respectful and would listen to me. But, I chose my husband and yes, he did well for the first month, then, slowly he started coming up with excuses to drink. Excuses to go to the bar and then he started arguing just so he could go to the bar and then start arugments there so he could close down the bar and come home drunk. Then, in March, he left me on the freeway at midnight, in the snow with a badly wounded knee (it was cut very close to the bone). He didn't care I was crying. He didn't care if I wanted to get back up, he kept pushing me back down and yelling at me. He even threw me cell phone in the snow so i couldn't call anyone and ripped off my jacket all because we ran into a girl who he spent a few hours with drunk when we were fighting (he said nothing happened and that he spent the time talking about our marriage and divorce) and I was suspicious and upset.
Now, I am caught. He knows now how far to push things and still, has no respect for me. He doesn't care if I hurt. He just sees me as a person to use and I'm tryin to get out but it's a lot harder this time because he's used up my resources, I just cant get a restraining order to keep him away or to get him out of this house since he's not hitting me or even here, and he's dug himself deeper into my life to make it harder for me just to leave.
So please, just move on now, he is not going to change. He has a problem that some therapy doesn't even work on.

Answer 6

You were so close to a clean getaway. You actually think an alcohlic, abusive husband is the way to go. Do you like someone beating the crap out of you???

You are not doing a service to your children.

As for the other guy, you probably just lost the best thing that never happened.

Tell him that after all of these months waiting to be with you, you decided to give the biggest problem in your life one more chance.

Answer 7

The other guy, by waiting, did the right thing. Now you do the right thing and fix your marriage if possible. It is important that you do this stuff. The other guy does not want to interfere. You need to give husband the one chance he asked for. It may not work out. If so your other might still be there. If it was meant to be it will be. It is nice to think there are guys out there who have integrity and character. It sounds like he will understand that the retry is something you must do. If you were married to him he would appreciate that as well.

Answer 8

Don't be so quick to take back an abusive husband. If he has really changed and agrees to go to counseling and isn't just repenting because you are talking divorce, then consider it. As for this guy if he was your friend before he will understand if you explain it to him honestly . Tell him you want to give your husband another chance.

Answer 9

Give your husband the chance but tell him absolutely no drinking. None at all. If he does, then leave. I am serious. The first time he does and doesn't abuse you he will think it is alright to drink and get worse and abuse you again. This male friend of yours has to realize your family is your priority. If yall were meant to be it will happen. if not, then either your marriage will work or the right person will come along.

Answer 10

You are in a tough spot. The fact that a man is drunk is ABSOLUTELY not an excuse for abuse. If your ex was willing to go to counselling for alcohol and for violent abuse program, that is one thing. If you want to go back just for the kids, DON'T do it. It doesn't help one bit. Children are not stupid, and the violence hurts them to.
Husbands are always repentant when they are evil, and most times they do it again, and again.
I have been there, and do it, except I stayed and it got alot worse.
If you really love yourself, trust yourself. As far as the friend is concerned, if you truly want to stay married, he should understand and want YOU to be happy. But don't throw away any real happiness, hang onto it.