我的英文自我介紹文法有錯誤的地方嗎?

Question

我明天就要去第二階段的面試囉...超緊張的! 不免俗的,我準備了一小段簡單的英文自我介紹,由於英文能力不是很好,想請問以下內容是否有錯誤或疏漏的地方....煩請幫忙解答! 感激不盡吶!! > ~ <



Good afternoon. My name is xxx. I was born in Taichung. There are five members in my family. I am the second child. My hobbies are to play the piano and read books. I am an introvert person and I fell shy easily, but my life attitude is optimistic. I think people alive should laugh heartily crosses every day! I have one older brother and one younger sister. Although I grow up in a family which is not very wealthy, it has actually provided me 17 years of warm and happy life!
I am graduate from National Donshih Industrial High School, and major in Chemical engineering. I think that I am very blissful, because I am a healthy girl, and I believe I have a great future for me to carve out!
I like English because it gave me a kind of achievement which is far over the feeling of setback! I know my professional knowledge is not good enough; however, I will work harder to improve more. Please give me an opportunity to be your student. Thanks for your listen.

Answer 1

I changed some of the 順序 of your sentences, and added some 連接詞, to make the sentences smoother.

Good afternoon. My name is xxx. I was born in Taichung. There are five members in my family AND I am the second child. I have one older brother and one younger sister. My hobbies are to play piano (no “the”) and read books. I am an introvert person and I GET shy easily, but my life attitude is TO BE optimistic. I think people IN THIRE LIVES should laugh HARDLY every day! Although I grow up in a family WHO is not very wealthy, BUT it has actually provided me 17 years of warm and happy life!
I GRADUATED from National Donshih Industrial High School, and major in Chemical Engineering. I think that I am very BLISSED, because I am a healthy girl, and I believe I have a great future AHEAD OF ME!
I like English because it GIVES me a kind of achievement which is far FROM the feeling of setback! I know my professional knowledge IN ENGLISH is not good enough YET; however, I will work MY BEST to improve more. Please give me an opportunity to be your student. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

Answer 2

Good afternoon. My name is xxx. I was born in Taichung. There are five members in my family. My hobby is playing piano and reading books. I am conservative but optimistic. I think people should laugh to keep a good feeling every day. Although my family is not rich , it still provide me about 17 years for living.
I graduated from National Donshih Industrial High School, and my major is Chemical engineering. I am in good condition . I wanna create a better life for the future .
I like English because it makes me feel great . I know my professional knowledge is not good enough; however, I will work harder to improve it. Please give me an opportunity to attend your university. *****

Answer 3

以下是小小的建議跟修正喔

Good afternoon. My name is xxx. I was born in Taichung. There are five members(改成people比較好) in my family. I am the second child. My hobbies are to play the piano and read books. I am an introvert person and I fell(feel) shy easily, but my life attitude is optimistic. I think people alive(不要alive) should laugh heartily crosses(不需要coress) every day! I have one older brother and one younger sister. Although I grow up in a family which is not very wealthy, it has actually provided (it did provide my 17-year life of warm and happiness)me 17 years of warm and happy life!
I am graduate(graduated) from National Donshih Industrial High School, and (加was)major in Chemical engineering. I think that I am very blissful, because I am a healthy girl, and I believe I have a great future for me to carve out!
I like English because it gave(gives) me a kind of achievement which is far over the feeling of setback! I know my professional knowledge is not good enough; however, I will work harder to improve more. Please give me an opportunity to be your student. Thanks for your listen(listening).