關於淋雨而感冒的英文短文寫作

Question

這是我的短文寫作~關於淋雨而感冒
請各位大大 ~幫我修正 文法,句型或是建議
Yesterday was the first day of rainy season and the sky was full of dark
clouds.On the way to my office, it suddenly rained cats and dogs,
that made everyone wet, including me. I had to go to the office for the
important meeting this morning, at the same time, forgot to change the
clothes. Unfortunately, the air conditioner strongly puffed and morning meeting tired me with
weak body. At night after work, I felt bad, but it
was too late. I caught a cold. It wasn't my day today.

Thank you for your help.

"unfortable " should be "uncomfortabel".

試著去檢查能不能讓文意更加精簡，把重複或冗贅的字句去掉.
請問你是如何訓練自己,達到這樣的功力.

真的很感謝你的建議
讓我收穫多多

Answer 1

andy

基本上你的英文文章已經相當通順，顯見下過一些功夫。不過在寫完一篇文章之後，試著去檢查能不能讓文意更加精簡，把重複或冗贅的字句去掉，經過一番調整，文章可讀性會越高。以下是我改寫後的文章，希望對你有所幫助。
At the begining of the rainy season, the thick clouds boded a rainstorm is coming. On the way to my office yesterday, it suddenly rained cats and dogs. Everyone on the streets was soaked. I could not go back home for a change due to an important meeting to attend.
Sitting in the air-conditioned room whole morning with wet clothes, I felt very unfortable. Eventually I found myself catching a cold in the evening. It was an aweful day.

2007-05-23 18:54:52 補充：
抱歉，第二段的一句話應該是 I felt very uncomfortable 才對。

2007-05-23 21:56:02 補充：
要讓文章精簡，就是要嚴格檢視哪一句話是合主題無關的，或者多餘的。例如"Yesterday was the first day of rainy season and the sky was full of dark clouds." 這句起始句，便與主題「上班途中遇雨感冒」主題無直接關係，因此我把第二句改成"the thick clouds boded a rainstorm is coming."試圖與下一句上班途中遇傾盆大雨發生一點牽連關係。

2007-05-23 22:00:11 補充：
避免文意冗贅，也是要靠再三檢視。例如你說" made everyone wet, including me." 其中"including me"便是是冗贅。因為連貓狗都從天而降（雨勢極大）當然全身淋濕無人倖免。精簡文章避免贅詞，與英文能力無關，而是對文章內容與意義的掌控能力。

2007-05-23 22:04:20 補充：
最後才是遣詞用字，這就要靠平時閱讀英文的功力了。it "made every one wet." 就沒有"everyone was soaked" 來得傳神。因為"soak"有「濕透」的意思。

2007-05-23 22:04:58 補充：
以上是個人淺見，如有失禮冒犯，請勿介意。