請高手幫我看看英文履歷

Question

I have a very busy and colorful college life. I worked while I studied. I have three year working experience in the HUN NAN commercial Bank first as an assistant then as a clerk. The practical experience helped me a lot not only on my studies in college but also influenced my personality. It made me more mature and independent. And despite of limited time, I still actively participated in our university’s student union and played basketball varsity. I believe all of us have a different life to lead and deal with. Though my college life is not as carefree as others, I have my own vision and have more confidence under pressure.

I am a self-starter, highly motivated, energetic and goal-oriented, but also cooperative and a team player. I am optimistic and always passionate to learn new things. I love working with people and sharing the load and credit for a job well-done. I think that has a beneficial effect on those around me and ultimately the company itself. I would be very grateful if I were granted the opportunity to your company. I would give any effort to work well in order to meet the requirements and expectations of your company.


不才,請教高手有沒有哪裡有問題

TO 小彭
請問一下
我在銀行的工作是正職(朝九晚五)
這樣應該不算part-time
還是說學生時代的工作都算part-time job??

先謝謝你費心訂正:)

Answer 1

潤飾版:

I had a very busy yet colorful college life. I worked part-time for three year at HUN-NAN Commercial Bank as an assistant first and a clerk then. This practical experience not only helped me a lot with my studies in college but also influenced my personality. ... In spite of limited time, I still actively participated in the student union and the basketball varsity of my university. I believe each of us has a different life to lead and deal with. Though my college life was not as carefree as those of some others, I have my own vision of getting more confidence under pressure.

I am a self-starter, highly motivated, energetic and goal-oriented, and also a cooperative team player. I am optimistic and always passionate about learning new things. I love working with people and sharing the loads and credit for a job well-done. .... I would be very grateful to be granted the opportunity working for your company. I would not spare any effort to work well in order to meet the requirements and expectations of yours.

改寫版:

A very busy yet colorful college life, working part-time at Hua-Nan Commercial Bank for 3 years as an assistant first and a clerk then, not only helped me a lot with my studies but influenced my personality, making me more mature and independent. Limited as time was, it never kept me from taking part in the student union and the basketball varsity. As a college student not so carefree as some others though, I have my own vision of getting more confidence under pressure.

Being a self-starter, highly motivated, energetic and goal-oriented, and a team player optimistic and always passionate about learning new things, I enjoy working with people and sharing the loads and credit for a job well-done, which I believe has a beneficial effect on those around me and ultimately the company itself. It would be my supreme honor to work for the company that I would spare no effort to meet the requirements and expectations of yours.

Answer 2

I worked while I studied
=> I worked part time when I was still a student.

I have three year working experience in the HUN NAN commercial Bank
=> I have a three-year working experience at HUN NAN Commercial Bank

The practical experience helped me a lot not only on my studies in college but also influenced my personality.
=> That practical experience not only helped me a lot on my studies in college but also influenced my personality.

And despite of (the) limited time,

I believe all of us have a different life to lead and deal with.
=> I believe each one of us has a different life to lead and deal with.

Though my college life is not as carefree as others,
=> Though my college life is not as carefree as those of others,

but also cooperative and a team player.
=> but also a cooperative team player.

I am optimistic and always passionate to learn new things.
=> I am optimistic and always passionate to learning new things.

I would be very grateful if I were granted the opportunity to your company.
=> I would be very grateful if I am granted the opportunity to join your company.

I would give any effort to work well
=> I would give all efforts to work well

Answer 3

第二行bank不用大寫，
其他沒問題了。
祝你好運!