^ _^ 請幫我改文 pls~~~

Question

A-level 作文，比多d意見我，同埋比分，A,B,C,D,E,F。
感謝您們~~~

Young people like to become thin

Nowadays, many youngsters in Hong Kong, especially girls are going to lose their weight. Many methods they use to lose weight are unhealthy and not work. Why do young people so likely to look thinner? In this essay I will examine the cause and the harmful effects of lose weight.

http://www.uwants.com/viewthread.php?tid=3682743&extra=page%3D1
在裡面~~thx!

Answer 1

你篇文都幾ｏｋ，但去到ａ－ｌｅｖｅｌ就應該多用不同的詞彙，促使文章生色。

Nowadays, many youngster in Hong Kong, especially girls are going to slim their figure. 　Nevertheless a lot of methods used are fruitless and even harmful. Why young people want to look thinner(or look more slender, or look slimmer)? In this essay I will explore the causes and the harmful effects of losing weight.

注：(你原本的句子也有錯，因為are unhealthy and not work，並不是平行句子，因若你這樣寫其意是are unhealth and are not work，are not work是錯誤句子；而且最後examine the cause真是有些少怪怪的，所以我改用explore探究）


2007-03-31 12:27:52 補充：
Most of them think that their appearance will look more attrative and beautiful after their slimming. And also their schoolmates will prefer having slender figures because they believe

2007-03-31 12:28:54 補充：
"Thinness is pretty itself" and "Boys will like to befriend (or make friend with) thin girl more" .Moreover, under the influence of the slim images of today's popular stars and models,

2007-03-31 12:29:50 補充：
they wrongly think that only they are as slim as those idols, they will be so welcome as them as well. Besides, in their mind, fat boys and girls are tokens of the unpleasant kind in school and even in society,

2007-03-31 12:30:24 補充：
and fat people will have less friends and less chances of having lovers than those who are fit.”Thinness is beautiful” and ”the thinner the better” are commonly accepted by most people, nevertheless, a lot of methods they used for slimming are wrong and harmful.

2007-03-31 12:40:35 補充：
本來想幫你改整篇，但用”補充”字數有限制，所以到此為；但我發覺你的文章有許多重覆，文章最好精簡，一矢中的。你也有用錯字，如”tummy stomach”這都是港式文，應該是”waist"

Answer 2

Nowadays, many youngsters in Hong Kong, especially girls are going to lose their weight. Many methods they use to lose weight are unhealthy and not work. Why do young people so likely to look thinner? In this essay I will examine the cause and the harmful effects of lose weight.
Nowadays, many youngsters in Hong Kong, especially girls are going to lose their weight. Many methods they use to lose weight are unhealthy and not work. Why do young people so likely to look thinner? In this essay I will examine the cause and the harmful effects of lose weight.
Nowadays, many youngsters in Hong Kong, especially girls are going to lose their weight. Many methods they use to lose weight are unhealthy and not work. Why do young people so likely to look thinner? In this essay I will examine the cause and the harmful effects of lose weight.
Nowadays, many youngsters in Hong Kong, especially girls are going to lose their weight. Many methods they use to lose weight are unhealthy and not work. Why do young people so likely to look thinner? In this essay I will examine the cause and the harmful effects of lose weight.
Nowadays, many youngsters in Hong Kong, especially girls are going to lose their weight. Many methods they use to lose weight are unhealthy and not work. Why do young people so likely to look thinner? In this essay I will examine the cause and the harmful effects of lose weight.

Answer 3

Nowadays, there are many youngsters, especially girls, in Hong Kong want to lose their weight. Many methods they use to lose weight are unhealthy and not work. Why do young people desire to look thinner? In this essay, I will examine the cause and the harmful effects of losing weight.

2007-03-27 12:55:08 補充：
睇過全文, 比較多錯字, 可能typing mistakes. 仲有D 係word form 同modal 問題... 基本上都幾好.

Answer 4

我比B+,而問題係邊到就自己搵下啦
從錯誤中學習係最好的學習方式
睇多幾次就搵到嫁啦!!!!